S1E1.docx
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S1E1.docx
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S1E1
-Sheldon:
Soifaphoton(particleoflight)isdirectedtoaplanewithtwoslitsinitandeitherslitisobserved,itwillnotgothroughbothslits.Ifit'sunobserved,itwill.However,ifit'sobservedafterit'slefttheplanebutbeforeithitsitstarget,itwillnothavegonethroughbothslits.
-Leonard:
Agreed.What'syourpoint?
-Sheldon:
There'snopoint.Ijustthinkit'sagoodideaforaT-shirt.
-Leonard:
Excuseme.
-Woman:
Hangon.
-Leonard:
Uh,1acrossis"Aegean".8downis"Nabokov".26acrossis"MCM".14downis...moveyourfinger...Phylum,whichmakes14across"Port-au-Prince".See,"PapaDoc'scapitalidea",that's"Port-au-Prince".
-Woman:
CanIhelpyou?
-Leonard:
Yes.Um...isthisthehigh-IQspermbank?
-Woman:
Ifyouhavetoask,maybeyoushouldn'tbehere.
-Sheldon:
Ithinkthisistheplace.
-Woman:
Filltheseout.
-Leonard:
Thankyou.We'llberightback.
-Woman:
Oh,takeyourtime.I'lljustfinishmycrosswordpuzzle.Oh,wait.
-Sheldon:
Leonard,Idon'tthinkIcandothis.
-Leonard:
Whatareyoukidding?
You'reasemi-pro.
-Sheldon:
No.Wearecommittinggeneticfraud.There'snoguaranteethatourspermisgoingtogeneratehigh-IQoffspring.Thinkaboutthat.IhaveasisterwiththesamebasicDNAmixwhohostessesatFuddruckers.
-Leonard:
Sheldon,thiswasyouridea.AlittleextramoneytogetfractionalT1bandwidthintheapartment.
-Sheldon:
Iknow,andIdoyearnforfasterdownloads.Butthere'ssomepoorwomanwho'sgoingtopinherhopesonmysperm.Whatifshewindsupwithatoddlerwhodoesn'tknowifheshoulduseanintegraloradifferentialtosolvetheareaunderacurve?
-Leonard:
I'msureshe'llstilllovehim.
-Sheldon:
Iwouldn't.
-Leonard:
Well,whatdoyouwanttodo?
-Sheldon:
Iwanttoleave.
-Leonard:
Okay.
-Sheldon:
What'stheprotocolforleaving?
-Leonard:
Idon'tknow.I'veneverrenegedonaprofferofspermbefore.
-Sheldon:
Let'stryjustwalkingout.
-Leonard:
Okay.
-Woman:
Bye.
-Sheldon:
Bye.
-Leonard:
Nicemeetingyou.
-Sheldon:
Areyoustillmadaboutthespermbank?
-Leonard:
No.
-Sheldon:
Youwanttohearaninterestingthingaboutstairs?
-Leonard:
Notreally.
-Sheldon:
Iftheheightofasinglestepisoffby2millimeters,mostpeoplewilltrip
-Leonard:
Idon'tcare.2millimeters?
Thatdoesn'tseemright
-Sheldon:
No,it'strue.IdidaseriesofexperimentswhenIwas12.Myfatherbrokehisclavicle.
-Leonard:
Isthatwhytheysentyoutoboardingschool?
-Sheldon:
No.Thatwasaresultofmyworkwithlasers.
-Leonard:
Newneighbor?
-Sheldon:
Evidently.
-Leonard:
Significantimprovementovertheoldneighbor.
-Sheldon:
200-poundtransvestitewithaskincondition?
Yes,sheis.
-Penny:
Oh,hi.
-Leonard:
hi.
-Sheldon:
hi.
-Leonard:
hi.
-Penny:
Hi?
-Leonard:
Wedon'tmeantointerrupt.Weliveacrossthehall.
-Penny:
Oh,that'snice.
-Leonard:
Oh,no,uh,wedon'tlivetogether.Imean,welivetogether,butinseparate,heterosexualbedrooms.
-Penny:
Oh.Okay,well,guessI'myournewneighbor.Penny.
-Leonard:
Leonard.Sheldon.
-Penny:
hi.
-Sheldon:
hi.
-Penny:
hi.
-Leonard:
hi.
-Leonard:
Well,uh...oh,uh,welcometothebuilding.
-Penny:
Oh,thankyou.Maybewecanhavecoffeesometime.
-Leonard:
Oh,great.
-Penny:
great.
-Sheldon:
great.
-Leonard:
great.
-Leonard:
Well,uh,Bye.
-Penny:
Bye.
-Sheldon:
Bye.
-Leonard:
Bye.Shouldwehaveinvitedherforlunch?
-Sheldon:
No.We'regoingtostartSeason2ofBattlestarGalactica.
-Leonard:
Wealreadywatchedtheseason2DVDs.
-Sheldon:
Notwithcommentary.
-Leonard:
Ithinkweshouldbegoodneighborsandinviteherover,makeherfeelwelcome.
-Sheldon:
WeneverinvitedLouie/Louiseover.
-Leonard:
Well...andthatwaswrongofus.Weneedtowidenourcircle.
-Sheldon:
Ihaveaverywidecircle.Ihave212friendson"myspace".
-Leonard:
Yes,andyou'venevermetoneofthem.
-Sheldon:
That'sthebeautyofit.
-Leonard:
I'mgoingtoinviteherover.We'llhaveanicemealand...chat.
-Sheldon:
Chat?
Wedon'tchat.Atleastnotoffline.
-Leonard:
Well,it'snotdifficult.Youjustlistentowhatshesaysandthenyousaysomethingappropriateinresponse.
-Sheldon:
Towhatend?
-Leonard:
Hi.Again.
-Penny:
Hi.
-Sheldon:
Hi.
-Leonard:
Hi.Anyway,um...webroughthomeIndianfood.Iknowthatmovingcanbestressful,and,and,IfindthatwhenI'mundergoingstress,thatgoodfoodandcompanycanhaveacomfortingeffect.Also,curryisanaturallaxativeandIdon'thavetotellyou,that,youknow,acleancolonisjustonelessthingtoworryabout.
-Sheldon:
Leonard,I'mnoexperthere,butIbelieveinthecontextofaluncheoninvitation,youmightwanttoskipthereferencetobowelmovements.
-Penny:
Oh,you'reinvitingmeovertoeat?
-Leonard:
Uh...yes.
-Penny:
Oh,that'ssonice.I'dloveto.
-Leonard:
Great.
-Penny:
So,whatdoyouguysdoforfunaroundhere?
-Sheldon:
Well,todaywetriedmasturbatingformoney.
-Leonard:
Okay,well,makeyourselfathome.
-Penny:
Okay.Thankyou.
-Leonard:
You'reverywelcome.
-Penny:
Thislookslikesomeseriousstuff.Leonard,didyoudothis?
-Sheldon:
Actually,that'smywork.
-Penny:
Wow.
-Sheldon:
Yeah.Well,it'sjustsomequantummechanics,withalittlestringtheorydoodlingaroundtheedges.Thatpartthere,that'sjustajoke.It'saspoofoftheBorn-Oppenheimerapproximation.
-Penny:
Soyou'relikeoneofthosebeautifulmindgeniusguys.
-Sheldon:
Yeah.
-Penny:
Thisisreallyimpressive.
-Leonard:
Ihaveaboard.Ifyoulikeboards,thisismyboard.
-Penny:
Holysmokes!
-Sheldon:
Ifby"holysmokes"youmeanaderivativerestatementofthekindofstuffyoucanfindscribbledonthewallofanymen'sroomatMIT,sure.
-Leonard:
What?
-Sheldon:
Comeon.Whohasn'tseenthisdifferentialbelow"hereIsit,broken-hearted"?
-Leonard:
AtleastIdidn'thavetoinvent26dimensionsjusttomakethemathcomeout.
-Sheldon:
Ididn'tinventthem.They'rethere.
-Leonard:
Inwhatuniverse?
-Sheldon:
Inallofthem.Thatisthepoint.
-Penny:
Uh...doyouguysmindifIstart?
-Sheldon:
Um...Penny...that'swhereIsit.
-Penny:
So,sitnexttome.
-Sheldon:
No...Isitthere.
-Penny:
What'sthedifference?
-Sheldon:
What'sthedifference?
!
-Leonard:
Herewego.
-Sheldon:
Inthewinter,thatseatiscloseenoughtotheradiatortoremainwarm,andyetnotsocloseastocauseperspiration;inthesummer,it'sdirectlyinthepathofacross-breezecreatedbyopeningwindowsthere,andthere.Itfacesthetelevisionatananglethatisneitherdirect,thusdiscouragingconversation,norsofarwideastocreateaparallaxdistortion.Icouldgoon,butIthinkI'vemademypoint.
-Penny:
Doyouwantmetomove?
-Sheldon:
Well...
-Leonard:
Justsitsomewhereelse.
-Sheldon:
Fine.
-Leonard:
Sheldon,sit!
-Sheldon:
Ah.
-Leonard:
Well,thisisnice.Wedon'thavealotofcompanyover.
-Sheldon:
That'snottrue.KoothrappaliandWolowitzcomeoverallthetime.
-Leonard:
Yes,Iknow,but...
-Sheldon:
TuesdaynightweplayedKlingonBoggletill1:
00inthemorning.
-Leonard:
Yeah,Iremember.
-Sheldon:
Iresentyousayingwedon'thavecompany.
-Leonard:
I'msorry.
-Sheldon:
Thathasnegativesocialimplications.
-Leonard:
IsaidI'msorry!
-Penny:
So...KlingonBoggle?
-Leonard:
Yeah.It'slikeregularboggle,but...inKlingon.That'sprobablyenoughaboutus.So,tellusaboutyou.
-Penny:
Um...me?
Okay.I'maSagittarius,whichprobablytellsyouwaymorethanyouneedtoknow.
-Sheldon:
Yes.Ittellsusthatyouparticipateinthemassculturaldelusionthatthesun'sapparentpositionrelativetoarbitrarilydefinedconstellationsatthetimeofyourbirthsomehowaffectsyourpersonality.
-Penny:
Participateinthewhat?
-Leonard:
IthinkwhatSheldon'stryingtosayisthatSagittariuswouldn'thavebeenourfirstguess.
-Penny:
Oh,yeah.AlotofpeoplethinkI'mawatersign.Okay,let'ssee,whatelse.Oh,I'mavegetarian.Exceptforfish.Andtheoccasionalsteak.Ilovesteak!
-Sheldon:
Well,that'sinteresting.Leonardcan'tprocesscorn.
-Leonard:
Well,uh,doyouhavesomesortofajob?
-Penny:
Oh,yeah.I'mawaitressattheCheesecakeFactory.
-Leonard:
Oh...Ilovecheesecake.
-Sheldon:
You'relactoseintolerant.
-Leonard:
Idon'teatit.Ijustthinkit'sagoodidea.
-Penny:
Oh.Anyways,I'malsowritingascreenplay.It'saboutthissensitivegirlwhocomestoL.A.fromLincoln,Nebraska,tobeanactressandwindsupawaitressattheCheesecakeFactory.
-Leonard:
So,it'sbasedonyourlife.
-Penny:
No,I'mfromOmaha.
-Leonard:
Well,ifthatwasmovie,Iwouldgoseeit.
-Penny:
Iknow,right?
Okay,let'ssee,whatelse...um...Guessthat'saboutit.That'sthestoryofPenny.
-Leonard:
Well,itsoundswonderful.
-Penny:
Itwas.UntilIfellinlovewithajerk!
-Sheldon:
What'shappening?
-Leonard:
Idon'tknow.
-Penny:
God,youknow,fouryearsIlivedwithhim.Fouryears…that'slikeaslongashighschool!
-Sheldon:
Ittookyoufouryearstogetthroughhighschool?
-Penny:
Itjust...Ican'tbelieveItrustedhim!
-Leonard:
ShouldIsaysomething?
IfeellikeIshouldsaysomething.
-Sheldon:
You?
No,you'llonlymakeitworse.
-Penny:
Youwanttoknowthemostpatheticpart?
EventhoughIhatehislying,cheatingguts...Istilllovehim.Isthatcrazy?
-Sheldon:
Yes.
-Leonard:
No,it'snotcrazy.It'suh...uh...it'saparadox.Theparadoxesarepartofnature.Thinkaboutlight.IfyoulookatHuygens,lightisawave,asconfirmedbythedouble-slitexperiment,butthenalongcomesAlbertEinsteinanddiscoversthatlightbehaveslikeparticles,too.Well,Ididn'tmakeitworse.
-Penny:
I'msosorry.I'msuchamess.Ontopofeverythingelse,I'mallgrossfrommovingandmystupidshowerdoesn'tev
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- S1E1