SOUTH PARK 111.docx
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SOUTH PARK 111.docx
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SOUTHPARK111
SOUTHPARKEpisode111
"Tom'sRhinoplasty"
ByTreyParker
ACTI
INT.CLASSROOM-DAY
WENDY
Stan,youknowit'salmostValentines
day...
STAN
Iknow.
WENDY
Maybeweshouldgoonacruiseor
something.
STAN
Ican'taffordacruise,dude!
WENDY
(Sweet)
Iknow,butwecouldmakealittle
boatoutofcardboard,andpretend
it'sacruise!
Cartmanhearsthisandjuststartslaughinghisassoff.
STAN
ShutupCartman!
CARTMAN
HOO,HOO!
OHHTHATISSOLAMEHAHA
HOOHOO!
WENDY
Andthenwecoulddressupinlittle
costumesandpretendlikewe're
gettingmarried.
Cartmanhearsthisandjuststartslaughinghisassoffagain.
CARTMAN
Stop,seriously.You'rekillingme
overhere.
PrincipalVictoriastepsinfrontoftheclass.
PRINCIPALVICTORIA
Children,Ihavesomedifficultnews
foryou...Mr.Garrisonwon'tbe
teachingforawhile.Hehastohave
surgery.
Thekidsallcheer.
PRINCIPALVICTORIA
Soyou'regoingtohaveasubstitute
teacher.AndIwantyoutoshowthe
substitutetheSAMErespectyoushow
forMr.Garrison...Yes,littleboy?
KYLE
(Flatly)
Wedon'thaverespectforMr.
Garrison.
PRINCIPALVICTORIA
Oh.
Thekidsjustsitthere.
PRINCIPALVICTORIA
Anyhoo,Iwantyoualltomeetyour
newsubstitute...Ms.Ellen.
MS.ELLENwalksin,sheisbeautifulandclassy.
MS.ELLEN
Hello,children.
STANANDKYLE
Woa...
CARTMAN
Wow,she'sPRETTY!
!
KENNY
Mphrmphrmrmph!
!
STAN
Youcansaythatagain!
KENNY
Mphrmphrmrmph!
!
PRINCIPALVICTORIA
GoodLuck,Ms.Ellen.Iftheyget
outofcontroljustusethistear
gas,okay?
PrincipalVictoriadropsacanofteargasonthedeskand
walksout.
MS.ELLEN
Thankyou,I'msureI'llbefine.
Theboysstare,enthralledwiththebeautifulteacher.
MS.ELLEN
Now,children,Iknowthatyoumust
beveryupsetaboutyourteacher
havingsurgery...ButIpromiseI'll
trytomakethingsaseasyaspossible
forallofus.
Stan,Cartman,KyleandKennyallhavelittleheartsabove
theirheadsandbigsmilesontheirfaces.
WendynoticesStan'sexpression,andstartstogetworried.
WENDY
Stan?
Stan?
Stanisjustfocusedontheteacher.
MS.ELLEN
Now,letmetryandlearnyournames
byyourseatingassignments.
(Readingoffofpaper)
Youare...EricCartman?
CARTMAN
Yesma'am!
MS.ELLEN
Okay...And
(TurningtoStan)
YOUmustbeStanMarsh!
Stanvomitsalloverhisdesk.
Wendy'seyesgrowhuge,shecan'tbelieveit.
MS.ELLEN
Doyouneedtogotothenurse's
office,Stanly?
CARTMAN
No,healwayspukeswhenhe'sin
love.
STAN
I'llkickyourass,Cartman!
!
MS.ELLEN
Soyou'realright?
Stanpukes.
KYLE
(Pointing)
Dude,youhadwafflesforbreakfast,
huh!
!
Wendylooksreallysad.
INT.TOM'SRHINOPLASTY-DAY
TomtheRhinoplastandMr.Garrisonsitinfrontofalarge
computerscreen.
MR.GARRISON
IhavetoadmitI'mstillembarrassed
aboutgettinganosejob,Tom.I
didn'twantpeopleatschooltoknow,
soItoldthemIhadherpes.
TOM
Youshouldn'tbeembarrassed,Mr.
Garrison.Peoplehavecosmeticsurgery
allthetime.
Tomturnsonthecomputer.
TOM
Beforewestartthesurgery,this
computercanhelpyoupickwhatkind
ofnoseyouwant.
MR.GARRISON
Wow,isn'tthatamazing,Mr.Hat?
MR.HAT
Itsureis,Mr.Garrison.
Tomhitsafewkeysonthekeyboard.AnimageofMr.Garrison
comesuponthescreen.
TOM
Now,wecouldgowithsomethinga
littlesmaller,whichwouldmakeyou
looklike...This.
Thecomputerimagemorphs,thelittlelineofGarrison's
nosegetsalittlesmaller.
MR.GARRISON
Hmm...
TOM
Or,wecouldstraightenoutthe
bridge,whichwouldmakeyoulook
likethis...
Againtheimagechangesslightly.
MR.GARRISON
Oh,that'snotbad...
TOM
Ofcoursewecouldnarrowthebridge,
whichwouldmakeyoulookmorelike--
This...
TheimageofMr.Garrisonmorphsintoafullcolorheadshot
ofDavidHasslehoff.
MR.GARRISON
WOW!
!
!
THAT'SIT!
!
THAT'STHENOSEI
WANT!
!
TOM
Alrightythen.
Tomturnsoffthecomputerandtakesafewnotes.
TOM
NowImustwarnyou,Mr.Garrison,
thatthereARErisks...
OminousMUSICswellsup.
TOM
Youcouldwindupahideous,foul,
shadowofacreature,soterrifyingly
uglythatyouareforcedtolivein
thesewers,onlyemergingatnight
tohuntforscrapsoffood.
Garrisonthinks.
MR.GARRISON
Icanlivewiththat.
TOM
Alrightythen,let'sgetstarted!
EXT.PLAYGROUND-DAY
Theboysareallgatheredontheplayground.
CARTMAN
Shewasn'tlookingatyou,buttLord!
ShewaslookingatME.
KYLE
Wellthatgoeswithoutsaying,Fat
ass--HowcouldsheHELPbutlook
atyou!
!
STAN
Youguyscanstopfighting,itwas
MEshewascheckingout.
CARTMAN
Untilyoupukedonher.
Chefwalksup.
CHEF
Hellothere,children.What'sall
thisI'mhearingaboutanewteacher?
KYLE
Ms.Ellen,dude!
She'sBEAUTIFUL!
WendyissittingontheswingsetnexttoherfriendBebe.
BebelooksatWendywhoishearingallofthisandlooking
pitiful.
CHEF
Isshelike,VanessaWilliams
beautifulorToniBraxtonBeautiful?
Theboysthink.
CHEF
OrPamelaAndersonbeautiful?
Theboysdon'tknow.
CHEF
OrissheErinGreyinthesecond
seasonofBuckRodgersbeautiful?
STAN
Yeah,thatone!
CHEF
WWOOH!
!
!
Igottameetthiswoman!
!
Finally,Wendywalksup.
WENDY
Stan,Didn'tyounoticehowherleft
armislongerthantherightone?
STAN
No.
WENDY
Wellitis!
CHEF
That'sokay.Youknowwhattheysay
aboutwomenwithonearmlongerthan
theother...
KENNY
Mphrmphrmrmphrmrmph!
!
CHEF
That'sright!
Theboysalllaughmerrily.
WENDY
Welldidyounoticethatmoleonthe
backofherneckwiththehairgrowing
outofit?
Everybodythinks.
CHEF
That'sokay,youknowwhattheysay
aboutwomenwithamoleontheback
oftheirneckswithhairgrowingout
ofit...
Pause...
KennylooksatChef,confused.
WENDY
Stan,we'restillvalentines,right?
STAN
Sure,Wendy,whatever.
TheboyswalkawayADLIBBINGlinesaboutMs.Ellen(Sheis
sopretty)etc.
KYLE
Hey!
WeshouldbuyMs.Ellen
Valentine'sdaypresents!
STAN
Yeah!
We'llgotothemalltonight!
CARTMAN
I'mgoingtobuyavacuumcleaner.
Chickslovevacuumcleaners.
Wendylookslikeshe'sabouttocryasSADMUSICswellsup.
TRACKinonWendy'ssadlittlefaceasthesongbegins:
SONG
Irememberwhenweweresoin
love.........
AstheSONGCONTINUES,weseeamontageofStanandWendy
together:
FromEp.1:
StanBarfsinthecafeteria.
FromEp.1:
Stan'sBarfsatStark'sPond.
FromEp.7:
StanBarfsinthecemetery.
FromEp.1:
StanbarfsinWendy'sface.
SONG
Themomentsthatwesharedwere
timeless...
Thesongends,andpoorlittleWendywalksaway,sniffling.
EXT.SOUTHPARKELEMENTARY-DAY
Establishing.
INT.CLASSROOM-DAY
Thechildrenarebackintheirdesks.
MS.ELLEN
Oh,goodness.Wouldanybodymind
cleaningmyerasersafterclass?
Theboysallshoottheirhandsup.
CARTMAN
ME!
ME!
ME!
BebeNoticesWendy'spitifulexpression.
BEBE
Youguysaresoimmature!
Actlike
eightyearolds!
MS.ELLEN
Stan,howaboutyou?
Stanvomits.
STAN
I'dloveto!
Wendylooksreadytokill.
MS.ELLEN
Now,children,let'sreviewour
multiplicationtables.
Cartmanraiseshishand.
MS.ELLEN
Cartman?
CARTMAN
What'samultiplicationtable?
MS.ELLEN
Didn'tMr.Garrisonteach
multiplication?
Thekidsallshaketheirheads.
MS.ELLEN
Well,wheredidheleaveoff?
CARTMAN
WewerelearningabouthowYasmine
BleethwasgoingoutwiththatRichard
Greicoguythatusedtobeon"21
JumpStreet",butthenhegothis
ownshowforjustalittlewhile.
Chefwalksinunannounced.
CHEF
Oh,hello!
MS.ELLEN
CanIhelpyou?
CHEF
(Suavely)
I'mChef...
MS.ELLEN
And?
CHEF
Ijust,uh...Istoppedby'cause
littleKyleforgothislaundry
detergentontheplayground.
ChefholdsoutaboxofWhooshLaundryDetergent.
KYLE
Mylaundrydetergent?
STAN
That'snotKyle'slau-
CHEF
Shh!
ChefputsthedetergentonKyle'sdesk.
CHEF
Crazycrackersarealwaysleaving
theirdetergentallovertheplace.
Whatwasyournameagain?
CARTMAN
(Aside,toKyle)
Oh,oh,Chef'smovin'inonMs.Ellen!
MS.ELLEN
I'mthesubstitute.
CHEF
Well,I'msurethere'snosubstitute
foryou.
MS.ELLEN
That'sverynice,Mr.Chef.Nowif
you'refinished-
MUSICkicksin.
CHEF
(Singing)
NobodycouldtakeyourplaceNoway
theycouldmatchyourface'no,you
gotitgoinoninawaysoclear...
Ijustwannabuyyouabeer-ormaybe
tonightatseventhirtyorsomething
Icouldcomebyandpickyouupin
mycar...(NoSubstitute)No
substituteforyou,(Nosubstitute)
Nobabythere's...(Nosubstitute)
foryougirl(Nosubstitute)foryou
now.Youknowthatit'strue,(No
substitute)There'sjustnosubstitute
foryou.
Asabruptlyasitstarted,thesongends.
STAN
WehaveGOTtolearnhowtodothis,
dude.
KYLE
Yup.
MS.ELLEN
Thatwasenthralling,Mr.Chef.But,
couldIgetbacktoteachingnow?
CHEF
Ifwecanhavedinnertonight.
MS.ELLEN
Fine,Chef,justletmedomyjob
beforeIgetfired.
CARTMAN
Oh,weak!
Chef'sgonnamakesweet
lovetoMs.Ellen!
MS.ELLEN
WHAT?
!
EXT.TOM'SRHINOPLASTY-DAY
Establish.
INT.TOM'SRHINOPLASTY-DAY
WeseeTomtheRhinoplastfromthecamera'sP.O.V.Tomis
splatteredwithblood.
TOM
Mr.Garrison?
Mr.Garrison?
The
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