作文评分及修改.docx
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作文评分及修改.docx
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作文评分及修改
Nowadays,asthedevelopmentoftheeconomics,manypeoplehaveprivatecars.Thereisnodoubtthatcarshavealotofadvantages.Forexample,itcansavealotoftimeanditisalsoasymbolofstatus.Everycoinhavetwosides.Asweallknow,carsalsohavemanydisadvatages.Mostcarsneedpetroltostart,anditisawasteofenergy.Carsalsocanpollutetheenvironmentanddoharmtoourhealth.Inmyopinion,weshouldtryourbesttotakebusesorbikesinsteadofdrivingcars.Onlybythiswaycanwehaveapureenvironment.
分数/满分:
22/30
Nowadays,as(把”as”改成介词”with”。
as作“随着……”的时候是连词,应该接从句)thedevelopmentoftheeconomics(改成”economy”。
”economics”是指经济学,说国家经济则应该用”economy”),manypeoplehave(这个have语法上没错,但是我倾向于用”starttoowntheirprivatecars”。
因为前面表达了“随着经济的发展”这么一个过程,主句的语义表述也应该展现一个过程)privatecars.
Thereisnodoubtthatcarshavealotofadvantages.
Forexample,itcansavealotoftime(save这个动词的主语一般来说是人。
所以可以改成itcanhelpustosave… )anditisalsoasymbolofstatus.
Everycoinhave(改成”has”,记住动词的用法要和主语相对应哦~)twosides.
Asweallknow,carsalsohavemanydisadvatages(disadvantages).
Mostcarsneedpetroltostart,anditisawasteofenergy.
Carsalsocan(改成”canalso”。
also”是副词,应该放在助动词后面和实意动词前面)pollutetheenvironmentanddoharmtoourhealth.
Inmyopinion,weshouldtryourbesttotakebuses(这里用publictransportation比较好。
地铁和城铁都属于公交系统而且污染很小)orbikesinsteadofdrivingcars.
Onlybythisway(改成bydoingthis/inthisway)canwehaveapureenvironment.(嗯~用了倒装呢~很好!
记住哦,特殊句式在各种考试里面都是非常加分的!
)
总结:
文章思路还是很清晰的。
正反两方面的意见都考虑到了。
但是用词的准确性上还是有进步空间的。
很多时候不是同学们不会写,是写不准,然后就丢分了。
一定要小心!
Todaywecanseecarseverywhere.Moreandmorepeoplehavecars.Ourlifeshavechangedthatit'smorescienceandtechnology.Intheonehand,carshavemanyadvantages.Itcanmakesusmoreconvenient.Wecandriveitwherewewanttogo.Itcansavetimessothatwedon'thavewaitingbus.Wedon'thaveunbrellaorraincoatwhenrainning.Carshelpusverymuch.Intheotherhand,carsmakeaccidenteasily.Itwillmaketrafficjam.Wehavn'topportunitiestotakeexercise.Soourhealthywillbrokedown.Themostimportantthatthemorecarsthemorepollute.Wemustprotectourenvironment.Inmyopinion,wecanparkcarsfarawayfromsomewherewherewewanttogo.Wedrivecarswhenrainning.Wecangotoworkbybikeintheshinningdays.Let'sprotectoursurroundings.
得分:
17/30字数不够
Todaywecanseecarseverywhere.Moreandmorepeoplehavecars.Ourlifeshavechangedthatit'smore(这里没看懂……不过改成becauseof就可以通顺了) scienceandtechnology.Intheonehand(改成Onthe onehand),carshavemanyadvantages.Itcanmakesusmoreconvenient(我倾向于把这里改成"bringusmoreconvenience"。
英语里面一般来说我们不说谁很"convenient",这和汉语思维有点不一样).Wecandriveitwhere(改成driveto wherever就可以了。
driveacar在语法上没有错,但是很少这么用。
drive本身就足够说明在开车了) wewanttogo.Itcansavetimes(改成time。
时间不可数,但是时分秒可数)sothat(用and就好了。
sothat通常表示结果或者目的。
放这里好像不大合适吧~) wedon'thavewaiting(改成havetowaitfor。
1、表示不得不或者必要的意思的时候,用haveto;2、表示等待什么的时候用waitfor) bus(改成buses).Wedon'thaveunbrellaorraincoat(这里同学是想说“就算下雨我们也不用带雨伞或者雨衣”吗?
那应该改成"don'thavetocarryanumbrellaoraraincoatwithus"。
记住可数名词的单数形式一定要视乎情况和定冠词或者不定冠词一起出现,不能单独出现) whenrainning.Carshelpusverymuch.In(改成on)theotherhand,carsmakeaccident(改成haveaccidents。
注意区别中文思维和英文思维) easily.Itwillmaketrafficjam(改成"wehavetrafficjamsbecauseofcars").Wehavn't(改成haven't)opportunitiestotakeexercise.(换成逗号)Soourhealthywillbroke(改成break)down.Themostimportant(插入"thingsis") thatthemorecars(插入一个逗号)themorepollute(改成pollution,动词不能和冠词以及形容词连用).Wemustprotectourenvironment.Inmyopinion,wecanparkcarsfarawayfromsomewherewherewewanttogo.Wedrivecarswhenrainning.Wecangotoworkbybikeintheshinningdays.Let'sprotectoursurroundings.
总结:
这位同学前半部分虽然有些小错误,但是还是写得很不错的。
但是后面写汽车的坏处和解决方法的时候有点小问题。
一来是开车和我们身体素质下降其实没有什么直接联系吧,写作的时候最好不要为了凑字数或者一定要写坏处所以硬安一个莫须有的罪名。
怎么说人家汽车也不容易。
咱们做人要厚道~二是解决方案那块parkcarsfaraway有什么直接效果呢?
老师一下子没看出来呢……能解释说明一下可能会效果更好。
The carisoneofthosethingswhichconvincemethatourcountryisbecomingmoreandmoreprosperouse.Itisconvenientforpeopleowningcarstogowherevertheywant.Inaddition,otherswillbejealousofthosecarowners.
However,whenyouareexcitedaboutgettingacar,whynotthinkaboutsomethingbroughtaboutbycars?
Cars have somethingto dowithorenvironment.Theexhaust gasespollutetheair,affecttheclimate,andarisethesealevel,whichinreturnruinourhumanbeings.Furthermore,theincreaseofcarsmaketrafficcondition worse.Worsestill,itgivesrisetomoreandmoretrafficeaccidents.Andyouhavetospendmoremoneyandenergyinkeepingacarthanbuyingone.
ButIdon`tmeanweshouldn`tusecars.Everycoinhastwosides.Inmyopinion,weshouldusecarsifnecessary,orwecouldtakebusorotherpublictransport.I suggestthatourgovernmentbeinfavorofitbymakinglawsandtakingsomepracticalmeasures.Besidesweshouldtryourbesttofindclean,cheapandeffectiveenergysources.
分数:
25/30[
The carisoneofthosethingswhichconvincemethatourcountryisbecomingmoreandmoreprosperouse(改成prosperous).Itisconvenientforpeopleowningcarstogowherevertheywant.Inaddition,otherswillbejealousofthosecarowners. >
>
However,whenyouareexcitedaboutgettingacar,whynotthinkaboutsomethingbroughtaboutbycars?
Cars have somethingto dowithor(withour)environment.Theexhaustgasespollutetheair,affecttheclimate,andarisethesealevel(这里用theexhaust就可以了。
全句改成”Theexhaustpollutestheair,affectstheclimate,andcausesthesealeveltorise.”Exhaust放在名词前面作形容词讲,表示用之不竭的,这里这么用不恰当吧。
汽车尾气不能直接让海平面上升。
所以最好不要直接就说尾气让海平面上升。
),whichinreturnruin(改成ruins。
这里的which指代的是前面整个事实,用单数形式)our(用us比较好。
Ourhumanbeings给人的感觉人类是我们家宠物或者财产似的)humanbeings.Furthermore,theincreaseofcarsmake(改成makes,因为主语是”theincrease”不是”cars”)trafficcondition worse.Worsestill,itgivesrisetomoreandmoretraffice(traffic)accidents.Andyouhavetospendmoremoneyandenergyinkeepingacarthanbuyingone. >
>
ButIdon`tmeanweshouldn`tusecars.Everycoinhastwosides.Inmyopinion,weshouldusecarsif(改成when)necessary,orwecouldtakebus(改成abus)orotherpublictransport(改成vehicles。
Transportation一般来说用在比较抽象的交通和运输概念里。
Transport作名词讲的时候运输;运输机之类的。
公交工具一般来说用publicvehicles。
但是公交系统我们则常说publictransportationsystem).I suggestthatourgovernmentbeinfavorofit(这里it指代的是什么?
应该再说明一下)bymakinglawsandtakingsomepracticalmeasures.Besidesweshouldtryourbesttofindclean,cheapandeffectiveenergysources(表示“资源”应该用resources).
>
>
>
>
>总评: 这篇文章总体写得很不错呢~同学要继续努力,争取更大的进步! 下一期会针对专四出题。 欢迎参与~
>
MyOpinionAboutTheCarCars,asaratherimportantkindoftransportation,isquitecommoninoureverydaylife!
Itsurelyhassomanyadvantages.However,itdoeshaveplentyofdisadvantagesaswell.Carsaremuchfasterthanothervehicles,suchasbieks,publicbusesandsoon.Sousingcarscansavealargequantityoftimeforus.Andallweshoulddoisjustsittingcomfortablyinacarandwatchingthesceneoutsidethewindow.Wedon'thavetopedalourbikesorwaitatthebusstop.Besidesthis,wecanhaveaquieterplaceandareabletoavoidnoisesfromothers.Buteverythinghastwosides.Iftoomanycarsareinthecity,thestreetswillbemuchtoocrowdedandthetrafficwillbeheavier.Besidesthis,therewillbelotsofpollutedgasandwilldoharmtoourenvironment.Thereisalsoaneedtobuildmoreparkingspots.Andcitieswillbemorecrowded.Inmyopinion,eventhoughcarshavequiteafewadvantages,forourenvironment,weshouldreducethenumberofcarsandshouldchoosethebus,althoughit'smoreuncomfortableandslower.
得分:
23/30
MyOpinionAboutTheCar
Cars,asaratherimportantkindoftransportation,isquitecommoninoureverydaylife!
(用句号就可以了。
用感叹号显得太激动了……)Itsurelyhasso(删掉so)manyadvantages.However,itdoeshaveplentyofdisadvantagesaswell.Carsaremuchfasterthanothervehicles,suchasbieks(bikes),publicbuses(改成buses就好了。
Buses一般来说都不是私人的)andsoon.So(so一般来说不做句子开头用。
所以考虑换一个词或者和前面那句结合在一起比较好哦~)usingcarscansavealargequantityoftimeforus.Andallweshoulddoisjustsittingcomfortablyinacarandwatchingthesceneoutsidethewindow.Wedon'thavetopedalourbikesorwaitatthebusstop.Besidesthis(用Besides就足够了),wecanhaveaquieterplaceandareabletoavoidnoisesfromothers.Buteverythinghastwosides.Iftoomanycarsareinthecity,thestreetswillbemuchtoocrowdedandthetrafficwillbeheavier.Besidesthis(最好不要重复地用同一个词或者短语。
试试moreover,inaddition,toaddtothispoint之类的吧~),therewillbelotsofpollutedgas(用exhaust就可以了。
过去分词表示被动,”pollutedgas”感觉上那些气体原来是干净的,后来被污染了。
但是事实是二氧化硫之类的气体本身就是污染源)andwilldoharmtoourenvironment.Thereisalsoaneedtobuildmoreparkingspots(改成parkinglots,停车场).Andcitieswillbemorecrowded(这一句出现的意义在哪里呢?
).Inmyopinion,eventhoughcarshavequiteafewadvantages,for(插入thesakeof)ourenvironment,weshouldreducethenumberofcarsandshouldchoosethebus(改成choosetotakethepublicvehicles比较好),althoughit'smoreuncomfortableandslower.
Haveyoueverdreamedofacarofyourownwhenyouhavetogo
toworkinacrowdedbus?
Haveyoueverhopedaprivatecaras
youintendtospendyourholidayoutside?
Thereisnodoubtthat
carsmakeusmoreconvenientthaneverbefore.
However,carsalsobringmenatrailofproblem,suchastraffic
jam,airpollutionect.Valuingthosequeations,moreandmorepeople
indifferentcountriesstarttotakeactionstosolvethem.Asthe
problemconcernsouractuallives,everyoneshouldtakeit
seriously.Inmyopinion,notonlydowemakeoursevles
comfortable,butprotecttheenviromentfirstaswell.、
19/30
Haveyoueverdreamedofacarofyourownwhenyouhavetogotoworkinacrowdedbus?
Haveyoueverhoped(加上toha
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