老爸老妈罗曼史第一季.docx
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老爸老妈罗曼史第一季.docx
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老爸老妈罗曼史第一季
Pilot [1.01]Edit
[Firstsceneoftheseries,in2030]
FutureTed:
Kids,I'mgoingtotellyouanincrediblestory,thestoryofhowImetyourmother.
Ted'sSon:
Arewebeingpunishedorsomething?
FutureTed:
No.
Ted'sDaughter:
Dad,isthisgonnatakeawhile?
FutureTed:
Yes.Twenty-fiveyearsago,beforeIwasDad,Ihadthiswholeotherlife…
[TedjustsawRobin]
FutureTed:
Itwaslikesomethingfromanoldmovie,wherethesailorseesthegirlacrossthecrowdeddancefloor,turnstohisbuddyandsays,"Seethatgirl?
I'mgonnamarryhersomeday."
Ted:
HeyBarney,seethatgirl?
Barney:
Ohyeeeahh,youjustKNOWshelikesitdirty.Gosay'Hi'.
PurpleGiraffe [1.02]Edit
Lily:
Hey.I'mjustsittinghere.Wearingmyring.Mybeautifulring.Kindamakeswearingotherstuffseemwrong.Like...myshirt.Kindadon'twannawearmyshirtanymore.Ormyunderwear.Oh,that'sright,I'mnotwearingany.
Marshall:
[stopsworkingandlooksatLily] Nounderwear?
Lily:
Notevenslightly.
Ted:
Guys... [camerapanstorevealheisintheroomwiththem] BOUNDARIES!
[RobindiscoverswhyTedthrewthreestraightpartiesinasmanynights]
Ted:
Robin,lookIdidn’tinviteyoutothispartytosetyouupwithCarlos.Ortheonebeforethat.Ortheonebeforethat. [Robinsmiles] IthrewthesepartiesbecauseIwantedtoseeyou.
Robin:
Well,hereIam.
Ted:
There’ssomethinghere,look,unlessI’mcrazy.
Robin:
You’renotcrazy.I—Idon’tknow,Ted,Imeanwebarelyknoweachotherandyou’relookingatmewiththatlookandit’slike—
Ted:
Likewhat?
Robin:
Like—let’sfallinlove,andgetmarriedandhavekidsanddrivethemtosoccerpractice.
Ted:
I’mnotgonnaforcesportsonthemunlessthey’reinterested.
Robin:
[laughs] It’sagreatlook.Butyou’relookingatthewronggirl.
Ted:
No,I’mnot.
Robin:
Yes,youare.Idon’twannagetmarriedrightnow,maybeeverandifwegottogetherI’dfeellikeI’deitherhavetomarryyouorbreakyourheartand—Ijustcouldn’tdoeitherofthosethings.Justlikeyoucan’tturnoffthewayyoufeel.
Ted:
[reachesinjacket] Click.Off.Let’smakeout.
Robin:
[laughs] What?
Ted:
What?
Thatwastheoffswitch!
AndIturneditoff.Imeansureyes,Iwannafallinlovegetmarriedblah,blah,blah,but—ontheotherhand-you,me,theroof.
Robin:
There’snooffswitch.
Ted:
Thereisanoffswitch…andit’soff.
Robin:
[smiling] no,it’snot.
Ted:
[silence] yes,itis. [drawsclosertoTed]
Robin:
No…it’s—not.
Ted:
Yes—itis [longkisswithRobin] Noit’snot.You’reright,there’snooffswitch.GodIwishtherewasanoffswitch!
SweetTasteofLiberty [1.03]Edit
Ted:
Thetruthis:
Myfriend,hedoesthisthingwherehegoestoairportswithfakeluggagetopickupgirlsandwefollowedsomeheretoPhiladelphia.That'sit,that'sallthisis!
AirportSecurityGuard:
Nobody'sthatlame.
Ted:
Yes,he'sthatlame. [toBarney] Tellhimyou'rethatlame.
Barney:
...weareinternationalbusinessmen!
Barney:
[ataparty] Doyouevergobehindtheropeandtouch it?
EmployeeatLibertyBellSite:
Onlyallthetime.
Barney:
Doyoueverlike,stickyourheadinsideit?
Employee:
Yeah.
Barney:
Haveyoueverlickedit?
Employee:
Nope...Ihaveneverlickedit.
Barney:
IbetnobodyinhistoryhaseverlickedtheLibertyBell.Ifsomeoneweretopullthatoff,Idaresayitwouldbe-what'stheword?
Ted:
I'mleaving.
Barney:
Legendary!
ReturnoftheShirt [1.04]Edit
Barney:
Booger.
Ted:
Yes,helloBarney.
Robin:
Barney'sofferingme50buckstosaysomestupidwordonalivenewsreport.
Barney:
Notsomestupidword.Booger.
Robin:
ButIamnotdoingit.Iamajournalist.
Barney:
What?
Journalist?
Youdothelittlefluffpiecesattheendofthenews.Oldpeople,babies,monkeys.That'snotjournalism.That'sjustthingsinadiaper.
Robin:
Foryourinformation,mybossisabouttobumpmeupto...theCityHallbeat.
Lily:
CityHall!
MissThang!
Robin:
So,I'mnotgoingtojeopardizemypromotionbysaying"booger"for50bucks.
Barney:
Ofcoursenot.Becausenowyou'resaying"nipple",andit'sahundred. [motionswithfinger] Stepintomyweb.
[TedjusttoldNataliethathewantstobreakupwithher...again]
Natalie:
[afterthrowingahandfulofspaghettiathim] I'mNOTTHEONEFORYOU!
?
Ted:
I-I'msorry.Ithoughtthatwasthematurethingtodo,I...
Natalie:
It'smybirthday!
Ted:
Yes,Iknowit'sjust...
Natalie:
It'smybirthday,andyou'retellingmeI'mnottheoneforyou?
Ted:
It'snobigdeal.It'snotlikeyoulostthelottery--
Natalie:
Oh,sodatingyou'slikewinningthelottery?
[Tedstammers] Sowhat'stheproblem?
Ted:
Ican'texplain.
Natalie:
Try!
Ted:
Well,it'sjustineffable.
Natalie:
Oh,soI'mnot'F-able'?
Ted:
No,no,no,ineffablemeansitcan'tbeexplained.
Natalie:
SoI'mstupid?
Ted:
What'sgoingon?
Natalie:
What'sgoingonis,youbrokemyheartovermyansweringmachineonmybirthday.Waitedthreeyearsformetogetoveryou,trackedmedown,beggedmetogooutwithyouagain,onlysoyoucoulddumpmethreeyearslater,againonmybirthday!
Ted:
Nono,it'snotlikethat...it'sjust...it'sjust-
Natalie:
WHAT!
?
Ted:
I'mjustlikesuperbusyrightnow.
FutureTed:
RememberwhenNataliesaid...
Natalie:
[inflashback,atthebar] Igota KravMaga classinabouthalfanhour.
FutureTed:
ItturnsoutthatKravMagaisnotaformofyoga.It'saformofguerrillastreetfightingdevelopedbythe IsraeliArmy.
[NatalieproceedstobeatupTed]
OkayAwesome [1.05]Edit
Barney:
Ted,getyourcoat,we'releaving.
Ted:
Whathappenedtothat,uh,cutletyouweregrindingwith?
Barney:
ThatwasmycousinLeslie!
Ted:
What!
?
[beginstolaugh]
Barney:
No,no,no.Wearenotlaughingaboutthis,Ted.Thisisnotgonnabesomefunnystorythatwe'regonnabetellinginacoupleofmonths.It'snotgonnabelike"Rememberthattimewhenyouweregrindingwith-"NO.Anddoyouknowwhy?
Because,italics, [Barneyholdshishandsupandslantsthemtoanangle] thisnightdidnothappen.
Lily:
Hey.
Robin:
Hey.
Lily:
Marshalljustditchedoutonourownparty.Couldyougetmeinthere?
Ikindaneedtokillhim.
Robin:
ActuallyIcan'tevengetmyselfin.Iwassuchadork.IgetrecognizedonetimeandIstartthinkingI'm JuliaRoberts.I'mnoVIP,I'mnotevenanIP;I'mjustalonelylittlePsittingouthereinthegutter.
Lily:
Youknowsomething,I'dtakeaPinthegutteroverJuliaRobertsanyday.
SluttyPumpkin [1.06]Edit
Lily:
Nobodyrememberswhatthehellahangingchadis.
Marshall:
Whatasadcommentaryonournationalattentionspan,thatwecouldforgetsucha turbulenttimeinourpoliticalhistory.
Lily:
[Asparrot] Sadcommentary!
Rrrawk!
Allright,Pollygottapee!
Marshall:
Again?
[MarshallfollowsLilytothebathroom]
Ted:
Whereareyougoing?
Marshall:
It's...anelaboratecostume.
Robin:
HowdoyoudothisTed?
Howdoyousitouthereallnight,inthecold,andstillhavefaiththatyourpumpkin'sgoingtoshowup?
Ted:
Well,I'mprettydrunk.LookIknowtheoddsare,theloveofmylifeisn'tgoingtomagicallywalkthroughthatdoorinapumpkincostumeat2:
43inthemorning.Butitjustseemsasniceaspotasanytojust,youknow,sitandwait.
Matchmaker [1.07]Edit
Lily:
Justplaycool,don'tTed-outaboutit.
Ted:
Didyoujustusemynameasaverb?
Barney:
Oh,yeah,wedothatbehindyourback."Ted-out":
tooverthink.Alsosee"Ted-up"."Ted-up":
tooverthinkwithdisastrousresults.Samplesentence:
"BillyTedded-upwhenhetried-"
Ted:
Okay...Igetit!
Robin:
Sowhatwasit,acockroachoramouse?
Lily:
Itwasacockamouse!
Robin:
What?
Lily:
It'ssomesortofmutantcombinationofthetwo.It'sasifacockroachandamouse,youknow...
Barney:
Didthehorizontal,ten-legged,interspeciescha-cha?
TheDuel [1.08]Edit
[Flashback]
Marshall:
SowhenLilyandIgetmarried...who'sgonnagettheapartment?
Ted:
Wow...that'satoughone.Y'knowwhoIthinkcouldhandleaproblemlikethat?
Marshall:
Who?
Ted:
FutureTed&FutureMarshall.
Marshall:
Totally.Let'sletthoseguyshandleit.
[PresentDay]
Ted:
Dammit,PastTed!
[LilyconfrontsTedandMarshallatthehospitalovertheirswordfight]
Lily:
OnMondayI'mgonnahavetotellmykindergartenclass,whoIteachnottorunwithscissors,thatmyfianceranmethroughwithafreakin'broadsword!
Marshall:
Well,justtobefair,itdidn'tgoallthewaythrough.
Lily:
I'msorry,isthisadiscussionaboutthe degree towhichyoustabbedme?
BellyFullofTurkey [1.09]Edit
Robin:
I'mCanadian,remember?
WecelebrateThanksgivinginOctober.
Ted:
OhrightIforgot.Youguysareweirdandyoupronouncetheword'out','oot'.
Robin:
Youguysaretheworld'sleaderinhandgunviolence;yourhealthcaresystemisbankruptandyourcountryisdeeplydividedonalmosteveryimportantissue.
Ted:
[beat] ...yourcopsarecalled'mounties'.
Ted:
Barney.
Barney:
Yeah,what'sup?
Ted:
Youhaveatimesheet?
Nooneelsedoes.
Barney:
Yeah,so?
[Tedstealspaper] Hey!
That'smyprivatepersonalbusiness!
Ted:
"CourtMandatedCommunityService"?
?
Robin:
OhmyGod,you'reonprobation?
Whatdidyoudo?
Barney:
That'smyprivatepersonalbusiness!
[flashbacktoBarneyrunningawayafterpeeingonawall.]
Barney:
Iwasunfairlypunishedbecausethewallbelongedtothejudge'schurch!
Ted:
Youpeedonachurch?
Barney:
IpeedinanalleywhichhappenedtohaveachurchwhichIdidnotseebecauseIwasdrunk!
Ted:
You are evil!
Robin:
Allisrightwiththeworldagain.
ThePineappleIncident [1.10]Edit
Marshall:
Youokay?
Ted:
Sure.Why?
Marshall:
Ah...Idon'tknow.Girlofyourdreams...datingabillionaire.
Ted:
Okay,firstofall,hundred-millionaire.Andsecond,she'snotthegirlofmydreams,we're
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