Nobel Lecture On the Battle Lost.docx

Nobel Lecture On the Battle Lost.docx

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NobelLectureOntheBattleLost

NobelLecture

7December,2015

OntheBattleLost

Idonotstandaloneatthispodium...Therearevoicesaroundme,hundredsofvoices.Theyhavealwaysbeenwithme,sincechildhood.Igrewupinthecountryside.Aschildren,welovedtoplayoutdoors,butcomeevening,thevoicesoftiredvillagewomenwhogatheredonbenchesneartheircottagesdrewuslikemagnets.Noneofthemhadhusbands,fathersorbrothers.Idon'tremembermeninourvillageafterWorldWarII:

duringthewar,oneoutoffourBelarusiansperished,eitherfightingatthefrontorwiththepartisans.Afterthewar,wechildrenlivedinaworldofwomen.WhatIremembermost,isthatwomentalkedaboutlove,notdeath.Theywouldtellstoriesaboutsayinggoodbyetothementheylovedthedaybeforetheywenttowar,theywouldtalkaboutwaitingforthem,andhowtheywerestillwaiting.Yearshadpassed,buttheycontinuedtowait:

"Idon'tcareifhelosthisarmsandlegs,I'llcarryhim."Noarms...nolegs...IthinkI'veknownwhatloveissincechildhood...

HereareafewsadmelodiesfromthechoirthatIhear...

Firstvoice:

"Whydoyouwanttoknowallthis?

It'ssosad.Imetmyhusbandduringthewar.IwasinatankcrewthatmadeitallthewaytoBerlin.Iremember,wewerestandingneartheReichstag–hewasn'tmyhusbandyet–andhesaystome:

"Let'sgetmarried.Iloveyou."Iwassoupset–we'dbeenlivinginfilth,dirt,andbloodthewholewar,heardnothingbutobscenities.Ianswered:

"Firstmakeawomanofme:

givemeflowers,whispersweetnothings.WhenI'mdemobilized,I'llmakemyselfadress."IwassoupsetIwantedtohithim.Hefeltallofit.Oneofhischeekshadbeenbadlyburned,itwasscarredover,andIsawtearsrunningdownthescars."Alright,I'llmarryyou,"Isaid.Justlikethat...Icouldn'tbelieveIsaidit...Allaroundustherewasnothingbutashesandsmashedbricks,inshort–war."

Secondvoice:

"WelivedneartheChernobylnuclearplant.Iwasworkingatabakery,makingpasties.Myhusbandwasafireman.Wehadjustgottenmarried,andweheldhandsevenwhenwewenttothestore.Thedaythereactorexploded,myhusbandwasondutyatthefirеstation.Theyrespondedtothecallintheirshirtsleeves,inregularclothes–therewasanexplosionatthenuclearpowerstation,buttheyweren'tgivenanyspecialclothing.That'sjustthewaywelived...Youknow...Theyworkedallnightputtingoutthefire,andreceiveddosesofradiationincompatiblewithlife.ThenextmorningtheywereflownstraighttoMoscow.Severeradiationsickness...youdon'tliveformorethanafewweeks...Myhusbandwasstrong,anathlete,andhewasthelasttodie.WhenIgottoMoscow,theytoldmethathewasinaspecialisolationchamberandnoonewasallowedin."ButIlovehim,"Ibegged."Soldiersaretakingcareofthem.Wheredoyouthinkyou'regoing?

""Ilovehim."Theyarguedwithme:

"Thisisn'tthemanyouloveanymore,he'sanobjectrequiringdecontamination.Yougetit?

"Ikepttellingmyselfthesamethingoverandover:

Ilove,Ilove...Atnight,Iwouldclimbupthefireescapetoseehim...OrI'daskthenightjanitors...Ipaidthemmoneysothey'dletmein...Ididn'tabandonhim,Iwaswithhimuntiltheend...Afewmonthsafterhisdeath,Igavebirthtoalittlegirl,butshelivedonlyafewdays.She...Weweresoexcitedabouther,andIkilledher...Shesavedme,sheabsorbedalltheradiationherself.Shewassolittle...teeny-tiny...ButIlovedthemboth.Canyoureallykillwithlove?

Whyareloveanddeathsoclose?

Theyalwayscometogether.Whocanexplainit?

AtthegraveIgodownonmyknees..."

ThirdVoice:

"ThefirsttimeIkilledaGerman...Iwastenyearsold,andthepartisanswerealreadytakingmeonmissions.ThisGermanwaslyingontheground,wounded...Iwastoldtotakehispistol.Iranover,andheclutchedthepistolwithtwohandsandwasaimingitatmyface.Buthedidn'tmanagetofirefirst,Idid...

Itdidn'tscaremetokillsomeone...AndIneverthoughtabouthimduringthewar.Alotofpeoplewerekilled,welivedamongthedead.IwassurprisedwhenIsuddenlyhadadreamaboutthatGermanmanyyearslater.Itcameoutoftheblue...Ikeptdreamingthesamethingoverandover...Iwouldbeflying,andhewouldn'tletmego.Liftingoff...flying,flying...Hecatchesup,andIfalldownwithhim.Ifallintosomesortofpit.Or,Iwanttogetup...standup...Buthewon'tletme...Becauseofhim,Ican'tflyaway...

Thesamedream...Ithauntedmefordecades...

Icouldn'ttellmysonaboutthatdream.Hewasyoung–Icouldn't.Ireadfairytalestohim.Mysonisgrownnow–butIstillcan't..."

Flaubertcalledhimselfahumanpen;IwouldsaythatIamahumanear.WhenIwalkdownthestreetandcatchwords,phrases,andexclamations,Ialwaysthink–howmanynovelsdisappearwithoutatrace!

Disappearintodarkness.Wehaven'tbeenabletocapturetheconversationalsideofhumanlifeforliterature.Wedon'tappreciateit,wearen'tsurprisedordelightedbyit.Butitfascinatesme,andhasmademeitscaptive.Ilovehowhumanstalk...Ilovethelonehumanvoice.Itismygreatestloveandpassion.

Theroadtothispodiumhasbeenlong–almostfortyyears,goingfrompersontoperson,fromvoicetovoice.Ican'tsaythatIhavealwaysbeenuptofollowingthispath.ManytimesIhavebeenshockedandfrightenedbyhumanbeings.Ihaveexperienceddelightandrevulsion.IhavesometimeswantedtoforgetwhatIheard,toreturntoatimewhenIlivedinignorance.Morethanonce,however,Ihaveseenthesublimeinpeople,andwantedtocry.

Ilivedinacountrywheredyingwastaughttousfromchildhood.Weweretaughtdeath.Weweretoldthathumanbeingsexistinordertogiveeverythingtheyhave,toburnout,tosacrificethemselves.Weweretaughttolovepeoplewithweapons.HadIgrownupinadifferentcountry,Icouldn'thavetraveledthispath.Eviliscruel,youhavetobeinoculatedagainstit.Wegrewupamongexecutionersandvictims.Evenifourparentslivedinfearanddidn'ttelluseverything–andmoreoftenthannottheytoldusnothing–theveryairofourlifewaspoisoned.Evilkeptawatchfuleyeonus.

Ihavewrittenfivebooks,butIfeelthattheyareallonebook.Abookaboutthehistoryofautopia...

VarlamShalamovoncewrote:

"Iwasaparticipantinthecolossalbattle,abattlethatwaslost,forthegenuinerenewalofhumanity."Ireconstructthehistoryofthatbattle,itsvictoriesanditsdefeats.ThehistoryofhowpeoplewantedtobuildtheHeavenlyKingdomonearth.Paradise!

TheCityoftheSun!

Intheend,allthatremainedwasaseaofblood,millionsofruinedhumanlives.Therewasatime,however,whennopoliticalideaofthe20thcenturywascomparabletocommunism（ortheOctoberRevolutionasitssymbol）,atimewhennothingattractedWesternintellectualsandpeopleallaroundtheworldmorepowerfullyoremotionally.RaymondAroncalledtheRussianRevolutionthe"opiumofintellectuals."Buttheideaofcommunismisatleasttwothousandyearsold.WecanfinditinPlato'steachingsaboutanideal,correctstate;inAristophanes'dreamsaboutatimewhen"everythingwillbelongtoeveryone."...InThomasMoreandTommasoCampanella...LaterinSaint-Simon,FourierandRobertOwen.ThereissomethingintheRussianspiritthatcompelsittotrytoturnthesedreamsintoreality.

Twentyyearsago,webidfarewelltothe"RedEmpire"oftheSovietswithcursesandtears.Wecannowlookatthatpastmorecalmly,asanhistoricalexperiment.Thisisimportant,becauseargumentsaboutsocialismhavenotdieddown.Anewgenerationhasgrownupwithadifferentpictureoftheworld,butmanyyoungpeoplearereadingMarxandLeninagain.InRussiantownstherearenewmuseumsdedicatedtoStalin,andnewmonumentshavebeenerectedtohim.

The"RedEmpire"isgone,butthe"RedMan,"homosovieticus,remains.Heendures.

Myfatherdiedrecently.Hebelievedincommunismtotheend.Hekepthispartymembershipcard.Ican'tbringmyselftousetheword‘sovok,'thatderogatoryepithetfortheSovietmentality,becausethenIwouldhavetoapplyitmyfatherandothersclosetome,myfriends.Theyallcomefromthesameplace–socialism.Therearemanyidealistsamongthem.Romantics.Todaytheyaresometimescalledslaveryromantics.Slavesofutopia.Ibelievethatallofthemcouldhaveliveddifferentlives,buttheylivedSovietlives.Why?

Isearchedfortheanswertothatquestionforalongtime–ItraveledalloverthevastcountryoncecalledtheUSSR,andrecordedthousandsoftapes.Itwassocialism,anditwassimplyourlife.Ihavecollectedthehistoryof"domestic,""indoor"socialism,bitbybit.Thehistoryofhowitplayedoutinthehumansoul.Iamdrawntothatsmallspacecalledahumanbeing...asingleindividual.Inreality,thatiswhereeverythinghappens.

Rightafterthewar,TheodorAdornowrote,inshock:

"WritingpoetryafterAuschwitzisbarbaric."Myteacher,AlesAdamovich,whosenameImentiontodaywithgratitude,feltthatwritingproseaboutthenightmaresofthe20thcenturywassacrilege.Nothingmaybeinvented.Youmustgivethetruthasitis.A"super-literature"isrequired.Thewitnessmustspeak.Nietzsche'swordscometomind–noartistcanliveuptoreality.Hecan'tliftit.

Italwaystroubledmethatthetruthdoesn'tfitintooneheart,intoonemind,thattruthissomehowsplintered.There'salotofit,itisvaried,anditisstrewnabouttheworld.Dostoevskythoughtthathumanityknowsmuch,muchmoreaboutitselfthanithasrecordedinliterature.SowhatisitthatIdo?

Icollectth