英语笑话集锦 大量短篇笑话供娱乐和阅读.docx
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英语笑话集锦 大量短篇笑话供娱乐和阅读.docx
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英语笑话集锦大量短篇笑话供娱乐和阅读
英语笑话集锦
ThePerfectSon.
A:
Ihavetheperfectson.
B:
Doeshesmoke?
A:
No,hedoesn't.
B:
Doeshedrinkwhiskey?
A:
No,hedoesn't.
B:
Doesheevercomehomelate?
A:
No,hedoesn't.
B:
Iguessyoureallydohavetheperfectson.Howoldishe?
A:
HewillbesixmonthsoldnextWednesday.
Girl:
Youwouldbeagooddancerexceptfortwothings.
Boy:
Whatarethetwothings?
Girl:
Yourfeet.
SubmittedbyBobWaldman
Afamilyofmiceweresurprisedbyabigcat.FatherMousejumpedandandsaid,"Bow-wow!
"Thecatranaway."Whatwasthat,Father?
"askedBabyMouse."Well,son,that'swhyit'simportanttolearnasecondlanguage."
SubmittedbyBHLEE
MyfriendsaidheknewamanwithawoodenlegnamedSmith.
SoIaskedhim"Whatwasthenameofhisotherleg?
"
(Trythisonewithyourstudentsthenexttimeyouareteachingalessonthatincludesthistypeofgrammer.)
Thedoctortothepatient:
'Youareverysick'
Thepatienttothedoctor:
'CanIgetasecondopinion?
'
Thedoctoragain:
'Yes,youareveryuglytoo...'
Iusethisjokeforretellinginreportedspeech.
Submittedby:
AdrianaLuchetti
Amangoestothedoctorandsays,"Doctor,whereverItouch,ithurts."
Thedoctorasks,"Whatdoyoumean?
"
Themansays,"WhenItouchmyshoulder,itreallyhurts.IfItouchmyknee-OUCH!
WhenItouchmyforehead,itreally,reallyhurts."
Thedoctorsays,"Iknowwhat'swrongwithyou-you'vebrokenyourfinger!
"
SubmittedbySeanMcLoughlin
Patient:
Doctor,IhaveapaininmyeyewheneverIdrinktea.
Doctor:
Takethespoonoutofthemugbeforeyoudrink.
Submittedby:
IrenePellegrini
Patient:
Doctor!
You'vegottohelpme!
Nobodyeverlistenstome.NooneeverpaysanyattentiontowhatIhavetosay.
Doctor:
Nextplease!
SubmittedbyMarcoMorales,Mexico
Twoboyswerearguingwhentheteacherenteredtheroom.
Theteachersays,"Whyareyouarguing?
"
Oneboyanswers,"Wefoundatendollorbillanddecidedtogiveittowhoevertellsthebiggestlie."
"Youshouldbeashamedofyourselves,"saidtheteacher,"WhenIwasyourageIdidn'tevenknowwhataliewas."
Theboysgavethetendollarstotheteacher.
Asnailwalksintoabarandthebarmantellshimthere'sastrictpolicyabouthavingsnailsinthebarandsokickshimout.Ayearlaterthesamesnailre-entersthebarandasksthebarman"Whatdidyoudothatfor?
"
SubmittedbySteve
A:
Justlookatthatyoungpersonwiththeshorthairandbluejeans.Isitaboyoragirl?
B:
It'sagirl.She'smydaughter.
A:
Oh,I'msorry,sir.Ididn'tknowthatyouwereherfather.
B:
I'mnot.I'mhermother.
Mother:
"Didyouenjoyyourfirstdayatschool?
"
Girl:
"Firstday?
DoyoumeanIhavetogobacktomorrow?
SubmittedbyMigueldePacoMoltó
Headmaster:
I'vehadcomplaintsaboutyou,Johnny,fromallyourteachers.Whathaveyoubeendoing?
Johnny:
Nothing,sir.
Headmaster:
Exactly.
SubmittedbyMariadelPilarVilllegasMartinez
Teacher:
"Nick,whatisthepastparticipleoftheverbtoring?
"
Nick:
"Whatdoyouthinkitis,Sir?
"
Teacher:
"Idon'tthink,IKNOW!
"
Nick:
"Idon'tthinkIknoweither,Sir!
"
SubmittedbyBernadetteKelly
A:
Hey,man!
Pleasecallmeataxi.
B:
Yes,sir.Youareataxi.
SubmittedbyCláudiaAlmeida
A:
Whyareyoucrying?
B:
Theelephantisdead.
A:
Washeyourpet?
B:
No,butI'mtheonewhomustdighisgrave.
SubmittedbyJoe,fromIndiana
Ateenagegirlhadbeentalkingonthephoneforabouthalfanhour,andthenshehungup.
"Wow!
"saidherfather,"Thatwasshort.Youusuallytalkfortwohours.Whathappened?
"
"Wrongnumber,"repliedthegirl.
PUPIL:
"WouldyoupunishmeforsomethingIdidn`tdo?
"
TEACHER:
"Ofcoursenot."
PUPIL:
"Good,becauseIhaven`tdonemyhomework."
SubmittedbyMigueldePacoMoltó
Ateacheraskedastudenttowrite55.
Studentasked:
How?
Teacher:
Write5andbesideitanother5!
Thestudentwrote5andstopped.
teacher:
Whatareyouwaitingfor?
student:
Idon'tknowwhichsidetowritetheother5!
SubmittedbyMahmoudZeidan
WhenIwanttoteachthecoulors,Ijustaskmystudentstopretendthephoneisringingandtheywillanswer:
Phonerings:
"Green,green!
"
Theyanswer:
"Yellow?
"
Theyask:
"White?
"
Theyhangup:
"Pink!
"
Whileteachingthisuseyourhandspretendingyouareholdingthephone.
SubmittedbyMariaCrisitnaCodorniz
LittleJohnny:
Teacher,canIgotothebathroom?
Teacher:
LittleJohnny,MAYIgotothebathroom?
LittleJohnny:
ButIaskedfirst!
Submittedby:
EliseOwen,DalianChina
Twogoldfishinabowltalking:
Goldfish1:
DoyoubelieveinGod?
Goldfish2:
Ofcourse,Ido!
Whodoyouthinkchangesthewater?
Son:
Dad,whatisanidiot?
Dad:
Anidiotisapersonwhotriestoexplainhisideasinsuchastrangeandlongwaythatanotherpersonwhoislisteningtohimcan'tunderstandhim.Doyouunderstandme?
Son:
No.
Man:
Icouldgototheendoftheworldforyou.
Woman:
Yes,butwouldyoustaythere?
Man:
Iofferyoumyself.
Woman:
IamsorryIneveracceptcheapgifts.
Man:
Iwanttoshareeverythingwithyou.
Woman:
Let'sstartfromyourbankaccount.
Submittedbykaradolson
Teacher:
Whyareyoulate?
Student:
Therewasamanwholostahundreddollarbill.
Teacher:
That'snice.Wereyouhelpinghimlookforit?
Student:
No.Iwasstandingonit.
SubmittedbyFredG.Stone
Customer:
Excuseme,butIsawyourthumbinmysoupwhenyouwerecarryingit.
Waitress:
Oh,that'sokay.Thesoupisn'thot.
SubmittedbyJimSperling
Therealestateagentsays,"Ihaveagood,cheapapartmentforyou."
Themanreplys,"Bytheweekorbythemonth?
"
Theagentanswers,"Bythegarbagedump.."
BankTeller:
Howdoyoulikethemoney?
EnglishStudent:
Ilikeitverymuch.
SubmittedbySafnil(BengkuluUniversityIndonesia)
"Whydoyoutakebathsinmilk?
"
"Ican'tfindacowtallenoughforashower."
Customerinarestaurant:
Iwouldliketohaveaplateofriceandapieceoffriedchickenandacupofcoffee
Waitress:
IsitenoughSir?
Customer:
What?
DoyouthinkIcan'tbuymore?
SubmittedbySafnil(BengkuluUniversityIndonesia)
"Youlookveryfunnywearingthatbelt."
"IwouldlookevenfunnierifIdidn'twearit."
"IwasborninCalifornia."
"Whichpart?
"
"Allofme."
"Excuseme.Doyouknowthewaytothezoo?
"
"No,I'msorryIdon't."
"Well,it'stwoblocksthisway,thenoneblocktotheleft."
Teacher:
Doyouhavetroublemakingdecisions?
Student:
Well...yesandno.
Threemicearebeingchasedbyacat.Themicewerecorneredwhenoneofthemiceturnedaroundandbarked,"Ruff!
Ruff!
Ruff!
"Thesurprisedcatranawayscared.Laterwhenthemicetoldtheirmotherwhathappened,shesmiledandsaid,"Yousee,itpaystobebilingual!
"
SubmittedbyJeanneRamirez
Oncetherewerethreeturtles.Onedaytheydecidedtogoonapicnic.Whentheygotthere,theyrealizedtheyhadforgottenthesoda.Theyoungestturtlesaidhewouldgohomeandgetitiftheywouldn'teatthesandwichesuntilhegotback.Aweekwentby,thenamonth,finallyayear,whenthetwoturtlessaid,"oh,comeon,let'seatthesandwiches."Suddenlythelittleturtlepoppedupfrombehindarockandsaid,"Ifyoudo,Iwon'tgo!
"
SubmittedbyAbuAbdulaziz(Kuwait)
Theteachertoastudent:
Conjugatetheverb"towalk"insimplepresent.
Thestudent:
Iwalk.Youwalk....
Theteacherintrupteshim:
Quickerplease.
Thestudent:
Irun.Yourun...
Submittedby:
Mouhssin
Father:
Whatdidyoudotodaytohelpyourmother?
Son:
Idriedthedishes
Daughter:
AndIhelpedpickupthepieces.
SubmittedbyFredG.Stone
A:
LookatyourfaceIknowwhatyouhaveforbreakfast
B:
Whatwasit?
A:
Eggs.
B:
No,thatwasyesterday.
Submittedby:
JanektHo
A:
Whyareallthosepeoplerunning?
B:
Theyarerunningaracetogetacup.
A:
Whowillgetthecup?
B:
Thepersonwhowins.
A:
Thenwhyarealltheothersrunning?
Submittedby:
GirishChavan
Patient:
Doctor,IthinkthatI'vebittenbyavampire.
Doctor:
Drinkthisglassofwater.
Patient:
Willitmakemebetter?
Doctor:
No,IbutI'llbeabletoseeifyourneckleaks.
Submittedby:
RizwanaLahorePakistan
Saidtoarailroadengineer:
What'stheuseofhavingatrainscheduleifthetrainsarealwayslate.
Thereplyfromtherailroadengineer:
Howwouldweknowtheywerelate,ifwedidn'thaveaschedule?
SubmittedbyKyleJefferson
A:
WhenIstandonmyheadthebloodrushestomyhead,butwhenIstandonmyfeettheblooddoesn'trushtomyfeet.Whyisthis?
B:
It'sbecauseyourfeetaren'tempty.
SubmittedbyKyleJefferson
Teacher:
Didyoufatherhelpyourwithyourhomework?
Student:
No,hediditallbyhimself.
Teacher:
WhataresomeproductsoftheWestIndies?
Student:
Idon'tknow.
Teacher:
Ofcourse,youdo.Wheredoyougetsugarfrom?
Student:
Weborrowitfromourneighbor.
Onacrowdedbus,onemannoticedthatanothermanhadhiseyesclosed.
"What'sthematter?
Areyousick?
"heasked.
"No,I'mokay.It'sjustthatIhatetoseeoldladiesstanding."
Ifbigelephantshavebigtrunks,dosmallelephantshavesuitcases?
Submittedbylisbeth
A:
Doyouwanttohearadirtyjoke?
B:
Ok
A:
Awhitehorsefellinthemud.
SubmittedbyRobertKennethPeterKroeker-age21
Anervousoldladyonabuswasmadeevenmorenervousbythefactthatthedriverperiodicallytookhisarmoutofthewindow.Whenshecouldn'tstanditanylonger,shetappedhimontheshoulderandwhisperedonhisear:
"Youngman...youkeepbothhandsonthewheel...I'lltellyouwhenit'sraining!
":
)
SubmittedbyJoanM.DiezCliville
Iusedtobeawerewoo
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