112 The One With the Dozen Lasagnes.docx

112 The One With the Dozen Lasagnes.docx

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112TheOneWiththeDozenLasagnes

112TheOneWiththeDozenLasagnes

[Scene:

CentralPerk,everyoneisthere.Rossworkingoncrosswordpuzzle,startshummingthemefromTheOddCouple.Chandler

joinsin,followedbyMonicaandPhoebe,thenthewholegang.RossstartshummingthemefromIDreamOfJeannie.]

Chandler:

No-no-no-no,we'redone.

OpeningCredits

[Scene:

MonicaandRachel's,Monicaisonthephoneinthekitchen.]

Monica:

AuntSyl,stopyelling!

AllI'msayingisthatifyouhadtoldmevegetarianlasagna,Iwouldhavemadevegetarian

lasagna.（pauses,listenstopersononphone）Well,themeat'sonlyeverythirdlayer,maybeyoucouldscrape.

（CameramovestoChandler,Phoebe,Ross,andJoeysittinginlivingroom）

Joey:

Ross,didyoureallyreadallthesebabybooks?

Ross:

Yup!

Youcouldplunkmedowninthemiddleofanywoman'suterus,nocompass,andIcanfindmywayoutoftherelike

that!

（snapsfingers）

Phoebe:

Ooh,thisiscool...itsaysinsomepartsoftheworld,peopleactuallyeattheplacenta.（Joeygrimaces）

Chandler:

And,we'redonewiththeyogurt.（Setsyogurtdownontable）

Phoebe:

（softly）Sorry.（CamerapansbacktoMonica,stillonphone）

Monica:

AuntSyl,Ididthisasafavor,Iamnotacaterer.Whatdoyouwantmetodowithadozenlasagnas?

（listensto

AuntSylonphone,looksshocked）Nicetalk,AuntSyl.（inNewYorkaccent）YoukissUncleFreddiewiththatmouth?

（Camerapansbacktogroupinlivingroom）

Joey:

HeyRoss,listen,youknowthatrightnow,yourbaby'sonlythisbig?

（measuresabout2incheswithhisthumbandindex

finger）Thisisyourbaby.（inbaby-likevoice）HiDaddy!

Ross:

（waves）Hello!

Joey:

（inbaby-likevoice）Howcomeyoudon'tlivewithMommy?

（pause;showsRosslessthanamused）HowcomeMommyliveswith

thatotherlady?

（pause;Rossstilllookslessthanamused;Joeysmiling）What'salesbian?

（playfullyhitsRoss）

（RachelenterswithPaolo,speakingItalian.Rosslooksannoyed）

Rachel:

Honey,youcansayit,Poconos,Poconos,it'slikePoc-o-nos（touchingPaolo'snosewithforefingerwitheach

syllable）

Paolo:

Ah,poke（PaolotouchesRachel'snose）a（touchesnoseagain）nose,mmm（theyrubnoses,thenkissesher）

Joey,Chandler,andRoss:

（sittinginlivingroom,imitatingPaolo）Mma,Mma,Mmaah

（CamerapanstoRachel,Monica,andPhoebeinthekitchen）

Monica:

So,didIhearPoconos?

Rachel:

Yes,mysister'sgivingusherplacefortheweekend.

Phoebe:

Woo-hoo,firstweekendawaytogether!

Monica:

Yeah,that'sabigstep.

Rachel:

Iknow...

（CamerapanstoRoss,lookingdejected）

Chandler:

（toRoss）Ah,it'sjustaweekend,bigdeal!

Ross:

Wasn'tthissupposedtobejustafling,huh?

Shouldn'titbe...（makesflingingmotionswithhands）flungbynow?

（CamerapansbacktoRachel）

Rachel:

Imean,wearewaypasttheflingthing,Imean,IamfeelingthingsthatI'veonlyreadaboutinDanielleSteele

books,youknow?

Imean,whenI'mwithhim,I'mtotally,totally...

（CamerapanstoRoss,holdinghisstomach）

Ross:

...nauseous,I'mphysicallynauseous.WhatamIsupposedtodo,huh?

Callimmigration?

（pauses,lookssuddenly

inspired）Icouldcallimmigration!

[Scene:

TheHallway,ChandlerandJoeyleavinggirls'apartment,carryinglasagna.]

Joey:

Ilovebabies,withtheirlittlebabyshoes,andtheirlittlebabytoes,andtheirlittlebabyhands...

Chandler:

Ok,you'regoingtohavetostopthat,forever!

（Joeyopensdoor,throwskeysonkitchentable,tablefallsover）

Joey:

Needanewtable.

Chandler:

Youthink?

[Scene:

CarolandSusan's,there'saknockonthedoorandCarolanswersittoRoss.]

Carol:

Heyhey,comeonin!

（Rossenters,carryinglasagna）

Ross:

Hey,hello!

mmwa!

（kissesCarol）Ibroughtallthebooks,andMonicasendsherlove,alongwiththislasagna.

Carol:

Ohgreat!

Isitvegetarian,'causeSusandoesn'teatmeat.

Ross:

（pauses）I'mprettysurethatitis...

Carol:

So,Igottheresultsoftheamniotoday.

Ross:

（makingflinginggestureswithhands）Oh,tellme,tellme,iseverything,uhh....?

Carol:

Totallyandcompletelyhealthy!

Ross:

Oh,that'sgreat,thatisgreat!

（HugsandkissesCarol.Thenpicksupapictureframe）

Ross:

Hey,whendidyouandSusanmeetHueyLewis?

Carol:

Uh,that'sourfriendTanya.

Ross:

（surprised,chucklingnervously）Ofcourseit'syourfriendTanya.（looksupfrightenedly）

Carol:

Don'tyouwanttoknowaboutthesex?

Ross:

（chucklesnervously）Thesex?

（chuckles）Um,I'mhavingenoughtroublewiththeimageofyouandSusantogether,when

youthrowinTanya（mimingwashinghair,that'sthebestIcouldthinkof）,yaw...

Carol:

Thesexofthebaby,Ross.

Ross:

Oh,youknowthesexofthebaby?

Oh,oh-oh-oh!

Carol:

Doyouwanttoknow?

Ross:

No,no,no,no,no,Idon'twanttoknow,absolutelynot.Ithink,youknow,Ithinkyoushouldknowuntilyoulook

downthere,andsay,oop,thereitis!

（pauses）Orisn't...

（Susanenters）

Susan:

Oh,helloRoss!

Ross:

Susan...

Susan:

So,so,didyouhear?

Ross:

Yes,wedid,everything'sA-OK!

Susan:

Oh,that'sso...（SusanhugsCarol,theygiggle,Rossstepsaway）Itreallyis...doweknow...?

Carol:

Yes,wecertainlydo,it'sgoingtobe...

Ross:

（flailingarmsinprotest）Oh,heyheyhey,hohoho,hello,guywhodoesn'twanttoknow,standingrighthere!

Susan:

Oh,well,isitwhatwethoughtitwouldbe?

Carol:

Mm-hmmm（SusanandCarolhug,giggling.Rossstandsback,reachesoutandlightlytapsSusan'sshoulder）

Ross:

Ok,what,what...ok,whatdidwethinkitwasgoingtobe?

CarolandSusan:

It'sa...

Ross:

（interrupts）No,no,noIdon'twanttoknow,don'twanttoknow.Ok,youknow,Ishouldprobably,Ishouldprobably

justgo.

Carol:

Well,thanksforthebooks.

Ross:

Noproblem,ok,mmmwa（kissesCarol）oh,mmmwa（kissesCarol'sstomach,thenpunchesSusan'sshoulder）Susan...（Ross

leaves.）

Susan:

Allright,whoshouldwecallfirst,yourfolks,orDebandRona?

（intercombuzzerrings）

Carol:

Hello?

Ross:

（onintercom）Uh,nevermind,Idon'twanttoknow.（CarolandSusanlaugh）

[Scene:

ChandlerandJoey's,JoeyandChandlerusetheirkneesasatabletosupportthelasagna.]

Chandler:

Ok,soit'sjustbecauseitwasmytable,Ihavetobuyanewone?

Joey:

That'stherule.

Chandler:

Whatrule?

There'snorule,ifanything,youowemeatable!

Joey:

How'dyougettothat?

Chandler:

Well,IbelievethepieceoffurniturewasfineuntilyourlittlebreakfastadventurewithAngelaDelvecchio

Joey:

Youknewaboutthat?

Chandler:

Well,let'sjustsaytheimpressionsyoumadeinthebutterleftlittletotheimagination.

Joey:

Ok,ok,Howaboutifwesplitit?

Chandler:

Whatdoyoumean,like,buyittogether?

Joey:

Yeah

Chandler:

Youthinkwe'rereadyforsomethinglikethat?

Joey:

Whynot?

Chandler:

Well,it'saprettybigcommitment,Imean,whatifoneofuswantstomoveout?

Joey:

Why,areyoumovingout?

Chandler:

I'mnotmovingout.

Joey:

You'dtellmeifyouweremovingoutright

Chandler:

Yeah,yeah,it'sjustthatwithmylastroommateKip...

Joey:

Aw,IknowallaboutKip!

Chandler:

It'sjustthatweboughtahibachitogether,andthenheranoffandgotmarried,andthingsgotprettyugly.

Joey:

Well,letmeaskyousomething,wasKipabetterroommatethanme?

Chandler:

Aw,don'tdothat

[Scene:

Phoebe'sMassageParlor,Phoebe'sassistantistellingheraboutthechangestoherschedule.]

Phoebe'sAssistant:

We'vegotacouplechangesinyourschedule.Your4:

00herbalmassagehasbeenpushedbackto4:

30and

MissSomerfieldcanceledher5:

30shiatsu.

Phoebe:

Ok,thanks.（assistantleaves,thenwalksbackin）

Phoebe'sAssistant:

Oh,herecomesyour3:

00.Idon'tmeantosoundunprofessional,but,yum（walksout,Paoloenters）

Paolo:

BuonGiorno,BellaPhoebe!

Phoebe:

Oh,Paolo,hi,whatareyoudoinghere?

Paolo:

Uh,Racquelatellmeyoumassage,eh?

Phoebe:

Well,Racquela'sright,yeah!

（PaolospeaksItalian）

Phoebe:

Oh,okay,Idon'tknowwhatyoujustsaid,solet'sgetstarted.

Paolo:

Uh,Iam,uh,beingnaked?

Phoebe:

Um,that'sreallyyourdecision,Imean,somepeopleprefer,youknow,totakeoff...ohwhoops!

You'rebeingnaked!

[Scene:

CentralPerk,everyonebutPhoebeisthere.]

Rachel:

（toRoss）Ican'tbelieveyoudon'twanttoknow.Imean,Icouldn'tnotknow,Imean,if,ifthedoctorknows,and

Carolknows,andSusanknows....

Monica:

AndMonicaknows...

Ross:

Wha,heh,howcouldyouknow,Idon'tevenknow!

Monica:

Carolcalledmetothankmeforthelasagna,Iasked,shetoldme.

Joey:

Sowhat'sitgonnabe?

（MonicawhispersinJoey'sear.Rossgetsupandwavesarmsfranticallyinprotest）

Ross:

Wait—oh—hey—huh,ohgreatnowheknows,andIdon'tknow!

Monica:

I'msorry,I'mjustexcitedaboutbeinganaunt!

Joey:

Oranuncle...

（Phoebeenters）

JoeyandChandler:

HeyPhoebe!

Ross:

HiPheebs!

Rachel:

Pheebs!

Phoebe:

Fine!

Monica:

Phoebe,what'sthematter?

Phoebe:

Nothing,I'msorry,I'mjust,I'moutofsorts.

Customer:

Hey,canwegetsomecappuccinooverhere?

Rachel:

Oh,right,that'sme!

Joey:

Hey,Chandler,thattableplaceclosesat7,comeon.

Chandler:

Fine.（JoeyandChandlerwalktowardsthedoor）

Monica:

Phoebe,whatisit?

Phoebe:

Allright,youknowPaolo?

Ross:

I'mfamiliarwithhiswork,yes...

Phoebe:

Well,hemadeamoveonme.

（JoeyandChandlercomeback）

Joey:

Whoa,storewillbeopentomorrow!

Chandler:

Morecoffeeoverhere,please!

CommercialBreak

[Scene:

CentralPerk,continuedfromearlier.]

Monica:

Well,whathappened?

Phoebe:

Well,hecameinforamassage,andeverythingwasfineuntil.（AflashbackstartsPaolo,lyingonmassagetable,

movinghishandsupPhoebe'slegs.）

[CutbacktoCentralPerk.]

JoeyandChandler:

Ooooohh!

Ross:

MyGod.

Monica:

Areyousure?

（TheflashbackresumeswithPa