divorce is the solution to an unhappy marriage.docx
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divorce is the solution to an unhappy marriage.docx
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divorceisthesolutiontoanunhappymarriage
UnhappyMarriage:
ShouldYouStayorLeave?
There'snoonesimpleanswertothequestionthatI'moftenasked,"ShouldIstayinmymarriage,eventhoughI'munhappy,orshouldIleave?
"It'simpossibletogivea"onesizefitsall"responsebecauseeverymarriageisdifferent.
Buttherearesomegeneralguidelinesthatyoucanconsiderifyou'reinthissituation.Usethesethirteentipstoreflectonyourmarriage,yourenergylevel,yourcommitment,andthedegreeofyourdissatisfaction.
1.Don'tgiveupprematurely.Youhaveinvestedtime,energy,money,hopesanddreamsinyourmarriage.Theonlywaymanypeoplecaninitiatedivorcewithoutfeelingundulyguiltyistoknowthattheyhavetriedeverythingtheypossiblycouldtomakethemarriagebetter.Itjustmakesgoodsensetofocusonhowyoucanimprovetherelationshipyou'reinnow.
2.Consideryourchildrenandhowadivorcecouldimpactthem.Divorceisnevereasy.Preschoolchildrenandkidswhoarestillinschoolwillbeaffectedinwaysgrownchildrenarenot,suchaspossiblechangesinschoolsifaparentmoves,aparentpossiblyhavingtoworktwojobstomakeitfinancially,thelossofdailycontactwithbothparents,etc.
3.Ifyourspousehasanaddictionorisabusive,utilizeallresourcesandsupportgroupsthatofferhelp.Forexample,Ifyourspouseisanalcoholic,joinAl-Anon,whichprovidessupportforfamilymembers,andgetyourteenagechildreninvolvedinAlateensotheycangetthesupporttheyneedtodealwiththehomesituation.Ofcourse,atoppriorityiskeepingyourchildrensafe,sodonotkeeptheminanysituationthatisdangerousforthem.
4.Focusonhowyoucanchangeyourselftobeabetterpartnerinsteadofhowyouwantto"fix"yourspouse.Whenyouworkonimprovingyourselfandchangingnon-productivehabitsandapproaches,thenyourspousewillhavetorelatetoyoudifferently.Youmayhavegotteninahabitualmodeofpushingeachother'sbuttonsinthesamewayandalwayselicitingthesameresponse.Butifyouchangeyournormalresponse,thentheinteractionbetweenthetwoofyouwillchange.
5.Haveon-goingsupportfromacounselorwhoknowsyourissuesandwhatyouaregoingthrough.Thiswillgiveyouthehelpandencouragementyouneedtokeeptryingnewthingsandexperimentingwithnewapproaches.
6.Encourageyourspousetoconsidermarriagecounseling.Ifheorsheisresistant,usethetechniquesdetailedinthespecialreport,"HowtoMotivateYourSpousetoTalktoaMarriageCounselor(EvenWhenReluctant,Resistant,andUnwilling").Thesetechniqueshavebeenusedsuccessfullybynumerousspouses.Reportisavailableat
7.Examinewhetherornotyouaredependingtoomuchonyourspousetomeetyourneedsor"makeyouhappy."Nooneelsecanmakeyouhappy;it'saninsidejob.Andnoonepersoncanmeetalltheneedsofanother.That'swhyyouneedfriends,hobbies,andoutsideactivities.Expandyourworldandseeifthistakessomeofthepressureoffofyourmarriage.
8.Keepagratitudejournaleachday,listingallofthethingsyouarethankfulforinyourlife.Eachday,trytofindfiveorsixnewthingstolistthatyouhaven'twrittendownbefore.Duringtheday,noticewhathappensthat'sablessing:
thefriendlysalesclerkwhoefficientlyhandlesyourrefundwithasmile,theparkingspacethatsuddenlyopensupjustwhenyouneedit,oranunexpectedcomplimentfromaco-worker.
9.Makealistofyourspouse'spositivequalitiesandcontributionstoyourmarriage,includingthingsheorshehasdonethatyouappreciate.Readoverthislisteverymorningandeveryevening,anchoringthesegoodpointsinyourmind.Atsomepoint,shareyourlistwithyourspouse.
10.Makeaconsistentefforttobepositiveandencouraging.Sandwichanycriticismorrequestforachangeinbehaviorbetweentwocompliments.Forexample,"You'realwayssoresponsibleaboutmowingtheyardeachweekend.Couldyoualsosweepthegrassclippingsoffthesidewalk?
Thanksforallyoudotohelpkeeptheyardlookingsogood."
11.Workonkeepingyourheartopeninlovetoyourspouse.It'seasytoclosedownemotionallywhenyou'reangryorhurt.Visualizebeamsofloveorgoldenlightradiatingoutfromyourhearttoyourspouse'sheart.Youcandislikethebehaviorbutstilllovetheperson.Whenyousendtheenergyofjudgmentandcriticismtoanother,theresponsewillbeverydifferentthanwhenyousendtheenergyofunconditionallove.
12.Trywritingyourthoughts,feelings,andrequestsinalettertoyourspouse.Therearemanyspouseswhohaverespondedpositivelytoaletterwhohavebeennotoriousfortuningoutthespouse'sverbalpleasforyears.It'sadifferentmediumofcommunication,anditoftencommandsmoreattention.
13.Whenyouhavegivenyourmarriageyourbesteffortsforatleastayearandnothinghaschanged,thenaskyourselfthefamousAnnLandersquestion,"Areyoubetteroffwithhim(orher)orwithouthim?
"Lifeistooshorttostaystuckinamiserablemarriageforyearsifyouaretheonlyonewhowantsyourrelationshiptobedifferent.Evenatthispoint,though,sometimestheshockofhavingaspouseinitiatealegalseparationmakestheotherpartnerfinallyrealizetheseriousnessofthesituationandagreetoworkonthemarriage.
MarriageCounseling:
HowtoKeepJealousyFromDestroyingYourMarriage
Jealousyhasoftenbeencalledthe"green-eyedmonster,"andwithgoodreason.The"monster"isfueledbyenvyandcanovertimedevourthetrustandharmonyinarelationship.
AccordingtoB.C.Forbes,"Jealousy...isamentalcancer."Itspreadsquicklyandcanbefataltoamarriage.Onceitgetsafoothold,thejealousspousebecomesevenmorejealous,oftenoverinsignificantthings.ComedianRodneyDangerfieldcaptureswhathappensintheseremarks:
"Mywife'sjealousyisgettingridiculous.TheotherdayshelookedatmycalendarandwantedtoknowwhoMaywas."
You'remorepronetojealousyandenvywhenyouarefeelinginsecureandfearful.Severalyearsintomyfirstmarriage,Irememberfeelingunusuallyjealousofawomanthatmyhusbandworkedwith.Theco-workerhaddark,sultrylooks,longflowinghair,andafigurethatdrovemaleswild.Asifthatwasn'tenough,shewasalsofunnyandoutgoing,withgreatcommunicationandsocialskills.Atofficeparties,thehusbandscouldbefoundcircledaroundher,competingforherattention.
Atthetime,IwastooembarrassedtotellmyhusbandthatIhadbeenambushedbysuchintenseenvy.Eventually,theco-workermovedontoanothercompany,butIstillvividlyrememberhowmuchIwantedtobelikeherandhowdepressedIfelteachtimeIcomparedmyattributestohers.
"Tocurejealousyistoseeitforwhatitis,adissatisfactionwithself,"statesJoanDidion.Jealousybringsouttheworstinusandcausesustoresentsomeoneelseforhavingwhatwethinkwedon'thave-looks,charm,money,prestige,romance,charisma,success.Whenwe'rejealous,whatevermeasuringstickweusemakesusfeellackingand"lessthan."
Fearisalsoinvolvedwhenwefeeljealous-fearthatwe'llneverhavewhattheotherpersonhas,fearthatwe'renotasgoodassomeoneelse,fearoflosingourspousetoanother,fearthatwe'renotattractiveordesired,andfearofbeingridiculed.JosephAddisondefinesjealousyas"...thatpainwhichamanfeelsfromtheapprehensionthatheisnotequallybelovedbythepersonwhomheentirelyloves."Whenwe'rejealous,wefeelinsecureandlackself-esteem.
Acounselingclientoncesharedthathewasbeingtornapartbyjealousy.Wheneverhiswifewasevenafewminuteslate,hevisualizedherstoppingtoflirtwithsomeoneinthegrocerystoreorbecameconvincedthatshewasusingthetimetosecretlycallanotherman.Hisrationalmindknewthattherewasnothingtobasetheseanxietieson,thathiswifelovedhimandhadneverbetrayedhistrust.Buthewasunabletostophis"worstscenario"fantasies.
Aswedugdeeperintohispastexperiences,itturnedoutthathisfirstlong-termgirlfriendincollegehadsecretlycheatedonhimwithaclosefriendofhis.Thus,hewastransferringhisfearsfromthepreviousexperienceontohiswife.Hebecameextremelyjealousandafraidthathewasgoingtoloseherinthesameway.Ironically,themarriagehadbecomesounbearableforhiswifethatshedideventuallyturnheraffectionstowardsomeoneelse.Theclient'sinabilitytocontrolhisjealousybroughtabouttheverythinghewasafraidwouldhappen.Bythetimehefinallycameforcounseling,hisobsessivejealousyhadalreadykilledthemarriage.
Foramarriagetobehealthy,therehastobetrust,andjealousyunderminesthattrust.Thefollowingseventipscanhelpyoutokeepjealousyfromunderminingyourrelationshipwithyourspouse:
1.Whenyoufirstnoticethatyou'refeelingjealous,immediatelytrytoidentifywhatinsecurityorfearisbeingtriggered.Isitafearofabandonment?
Afearthatyoudon'tmeasureup?
Yourowninsecuritiesaboutnotfeelingsuccessfulorattractiveenough?
Wheninsecuritiesorfearsareactivated,you'remorelikelytooverreactinawaythatcouldhurtyourrelationship.
2.Insteadoffocusingonthebehaviorthatyouwantyourspousetostopsothatyouwon'tfeeltheuncomfortablepangsofjealousy,examineyourself-talk.Areyoutellingyourself,"Mywifeshouldn'tbeflirtingwithhimlikethat,"or"Myhusbandwillprobablyleavemeforsomeoneelseoneday"?
Youcanchangehowyoufeelbychangingwhatyoutellyourselfaboutthesituation.
3.Takeacloselookatyourpasthistory.Didoneofyourparentscheatontheotherone?
Didaspouseinyourfirstmarriagebetrayyou?
Ordid
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