South Park601.docx
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South Park601.docx
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SouthPark601
SouthPark
6X01-JaredHasAides
[Cartman'shosue,livingroom,day.Cartman,Stan,andKyleareonthesofalaughingasCartmandoessomeprankcalls]
Cartman:
[dialing]Shu-shutupyougurs,shutupyouguys.[theboysquietdownandcovertheirmouthsasthecallgoesthroughtoCityWok,aChineserestaurant.]
CityWokOwner:
Herro,ShittyWok,takeyourorderprease.
Cartman:
[theboysgiggle]Hello,isthisCityWok?
CityWokOwner:
Yes,thisShittyWok.
Cartman:
[theboysgiggleharder]Uh,yes,we'dlikeoneorderoftheCityBeef.
CityWokOwner:
[writing]ShittyBeef...
Kyle:
Aha,andI'llhavetheCityChicken.
CityWokOwner:
[writing]ShittyChicken...[theboysroarwithlaughter.Cartmanrollsbackonthesofa]
Stan:
Oh,dude,look!
[theotherslookupandthephonefallsoffCartman'slaptothefloor]It'sthatcommercialwiththeguythatlost400poundseatingatSubwaySandwiches!
[Commercial.Thefirstthingonthescreenisasubmarinesandwich.Itpansacrossthescreen.]
Singer:
He'sstilllookin'good!
[amanappearseatingafootlongsubwaysandwich.Thename"JAREDVOGLE"appearsonthescreennearthebottom]
HisnameisJared
[hestrutsdownasidewalk."LOST262LBS."appearsonthescreen]
HisnameisJaredandhelikestoeatthesandwiches...
[asideshotofJaredwalkingsmoothlybehindawhitepicketfenceinDowntown,thenofslicesofapartysub,thenofthefirstsandwich]
[Cartmanlivingroom.Butterswalksin]
Butters:
Uhhey,fellas.
Stan:
HeyKenny
Butters:
[upset]Nowgoshdarnit,myname'snotKenny!
Kenny'sdead,andyou'reallgonnahavetolearntodealwithit!
Kyle:
Okay,Not-Kenny.
[Commercialcontinues]
Announcer:
HeySouthPark!
[cameraswitchestotheTV.Jaredisshownmunchingawayonasubsandwichbehindsplashbubblessaying"JAREDLIVE""FREESUBS"and"LOSEWEIGHT"and"MEETJARED""SOUTHPARK,COLORADO"]YoucanmeetJaredINPERSONMarch6thattheKennyMcCormickMemorialTownSquare!
Butters:
[excited]Woh,boy!
Jared'scomin'totown!
Kyle:
Dude!
That'stoday!
Stan:
We'vegottagetdownthere!
Comeon,Not-Kenny!
[StanandKylehopoffthesofaandheadforthefrontdoor]
Butters:
[angered]Nowgoshdarnit,myname'snotNot-Kenny!
Cartman:
[hopsoffandfollowsStanandKyle]Okay,comeon,Not-Not-Kenny.
Butters:
Wo-ahI'mgettingsteamednow.[followstheotherthree.Thephoneremainsonthefloor]
CityWokOwner:
[thereceiverrattleswithhisvoice]Hello!
CityWok!
CityWokItakeyourorderprease!
[KennyMcCormickMemorialTownSquare,momentslater.AcrowdisinfrontofthestagewaitingforJared,withpeopleholdingupsignssaying"WeLoveJared""WeLoveYouJared!
!
""JaredforPresident",etc.TheboyswalkuptoMr.Garrison.Kyletapshim.]
Kyle:
Excuseme.Couldwegetthroughhere?
Mr.Garrison:
[turnsaround]Hellno!
I'vebeensavin'thisspotforsixhours!
[beginstodance]
HisnameisGarrison,Mr.Garrison.Helosttenpoundstakin'Jared'slead-
Randy:
Herehecomes!
[thecrowdturnsleftasoneandstartsclamoring.Jaredstrutstowardsthecrowdashisthemesongcomesup]
Singer:
He'sstilllookin'good,withallthose...subsandwiches...[Jaredwalksuponstageandtakesthepodium]
Jared:
Thankyouallsomuch.Youknowwhat?
Afterayearofeatingdelicioussubsandwiches,I'veprovenweightlossiseasy!
[thecrowdcheers]AndIpromiseyou,Iwillalwaysbeyourfaithfulleaderineasyweightloss!
Somemen:
Alright!
!
[morecheering]
Cartman:
Thatguyateallthesandwicheshewantedandlostweight.Heissooocool.
[SouthPark,later.Aknockisheardandadooropens.Jaredisseeneatingasubatadesk.Aworkerpeaksin]
Worker:
Mr.Vogle,somefanswantedtoseeifyou'dsigntheirsandwich?
Jared:
Sure,let'emin.[theworkerletstheboysinandJaredspinsaroundtofacethem]Hikids.[theroomJaredisinisadressingroom]
Butters:
Wow,Jared!
Kyle:
Dude!
Didyoureallyloseallthatweighteatingnothingbutsubsandwiches?
Jared:
Isuredid!
And-Well-WellI,Ialsohadalittlehelpontheside.
Stan:
Whatkindofhelp?
Jared:
Well,eatingsubsandwicheswasabigpartofit.ButthewaythatIlostsomuchweightwasthatIgotaides.
Cartman:
Eh,AIDS?
Jared:
That'sright.IgotaidesabouttwoyearsagoandI'vebeenlosingweighteversince.It'samazinghowslimyoucangetwithaides.
Stan:
I'llbetyoucan.
Jared:
Wouldyouliketomeetthem?
Kyle:
[stepsbackwards]Them?
Jared:
Myaides.Scott,Tyler!
[movestothedoor.ThetwoaidescomeinandJaredstandsbehindthem.Thenhelooksattheblondtohisleft]Scottismypersonaltrainer[looksatthelightbrunettohisright]andTylerismydietician.
Scott,Tyler:
Hello.
Kyle:
Oh,"aidEs"aides.
Jared:
Yep.Hoorayforaides!
Kyle:
Well,that'snotreallywhatyousayinthecommercial.
Jared:
Iknow.Youkindahavetoreadthefineprintatthebottomofthescreen.ItsaysIonlyateahalf-sizedleanturkeysandwichwithnomustardormayooranythinglikethatandthenhadproperdietandexerciseaides.
Kyle:
Butyou'relyingtopeople.Iftheyknewthatyoudidn'teatjustallthesandwichesyouwant,youmightnotbesopopular.
Jared:
You,youthinkso.Well,why...shoulditmatter?
Kyle:
Itmatters,dude.[Jaredbeginstothink...]
Jared:
Hmmm.
[MainStreet,momentslater.Theboyswalkalong...]
Kyle:
Thatpenisbuttdidn'tloseweighteatingsubsandwiches.Helostweightbecauseheatelessofthemandexercised.
Stan:
Yeah,it'sonlyinAmericathatsomebodycanbecomefamousjustbecausetheygofrombeingabigfatasstonotbeingabigfatass.
Cartman:
Ohmigod!
[turnsaround]Youguys!
IthinkI'mhavingageniusmoment.Yes.Yes!
Itscomingtomenow.
Kyle:
Thatthat'sdiarrhea.
Cartman:
Noo.Don'tyouseewhatthisallmeans?
Anybodycoulddowhathedid.What'stostopsomeoneelsefromgoingtosay,CityWok,andcuttingadealwiththem?
Saythey'lleatnothingbuttheirChinesefood,buttheneatonlyalittletinybitofitandexercise.
Stan:
[following]ThenCityWokcouldsaytheirfoodmakesthemloseweight.
Cartman:
[softly]That'srightStan.[bolder]It'sacashcowItellyou.
Kyle:
That'sagreatidea!
Cartman:
Loseweightandmakemoney.ItellyouthisisgonnabethegreatestthingthatButtershaseverdone.
Butters:
[surprised,stepsbackwards]Meee?
?
?
Cartman:
Weh-whodoyouthinkI'mtalkin'about,Butters?
JoycedeWitt?
Butters:
Oh,no,Ithoughtyoumeantyou.Ehyou'rethefatone.
Cartman:
Ican'tloseweight,Butters,'causeI'mnotfat.I'mbig-boned.Youcan'tslimdownbones,stupid!
Kyle:
ButButtersisn'tfat.
Cartman:
That'smywholepoint.Firstwefattenhimup,thenwemakethedealwithCityWok,thentaketheweightbackoff.
Stan:
He'sright.IfButtersisnaturallyskinny,he'llbeabletotaketheweightofffaster.
Butters:
Buutfellas,ifIgetfatmyparentswillgroundme.
Cartman:
Ohcomeon!
Justthinkabouthowfamousyou'llbe!
Butters:
YoumeanlikeJared?
Kyle:
Yeahdude!
You'llbejustlikeJared!
Butters:
[angrily]Welltheheckwiththat!
YousaidJaredwasapenisbutt!
Stan:
Youwouldn'tbeapenisbutt,Butters,you'dbefamous.Justthinkaboutallthosepeoplefollowingyouaround,singingsongstoyoujustbecauseyoulostsomeweight...
HisnameisButters,it'sButters.[theboysbegintoswayforeachline]
Cartman:
Heusedtobefatbutnotnomore[Buttersbrightensup]
Kyle:
CityWokbroughthimdowntoasize4.
Stan:
Nowhe'sgotlotsofmoneysandgirls
Cartman:
[slowing]andalifetimeoffreefoodatCityWok.
Butters:
[beaming]Wow
[LePlaceRestaurant,night.Jaredisdiningwithawomaninside]
Jared:
Christine,youknowIloveyouverymuch,andI,Ican'twaitforthewedding.
Christine:
Iloveyoutoo,Jared.You'vechangedmywholelife.
HernameisJonez,ChristineJonez
ShelostfortypoundswhenshemetJared,and-
Jared:
Yeh,IknowIknow,Iknow.Butuh...someyoungboysweretalkin'tomeearlier,and...itmademethinkthatpeoplemightnotbesoproudofmyweightlossiftheyknewsomething.
Christine:
Jared,what'sthisallabout?
Jared:
UhChristine,thisisn'tprobablygonnamattertoyouatall,but...Ihaveaides.
Christine:
Uhwwwhat?
?
?
Jared:
Yeah,Ihaveaides.I'vehadaidessincebeforeweweretogether.[Christine'sjawdrops]What,whatareyouthinking?
Areyoubummed?
Christine:
AmIbummed?
!
[movesherchairawayfromJaredandfaceshim]You'vehadAIDSallthistimeandyouknewit?
!
Jared:
WellofcourseIknewit.
Christine:
Whythehellwouldn'tyoutellme?
!
Jared:
Ididn'tthinkitwasthatbigofadeal.
Christine:
Notthatbigofadeal?
!
Isleptwithyou!
Jared:
Aren'tyouoverreactingalittlebit?
Christine:
WellJesusChrist!
We'resupposedtogetmarried!
Jared:
WecanstillgetmarriedChristine,Imean,sure,they'remyaidesnow,butafterwegetmarried...they'llbeouraides[Christinesobs]You'lllovehavingaides,Christine,youreallywill.Andwhenwehavechildren,they'llhaveaides.It'llmakethingssosimple!
[Christinethrowsupherarms,risesfromherchair,andrunsoutoftherestaurantsobbing]Christine!
[risesandmovestofollowChristine,butstopstothink]Jeez,thoseboyswereright.Peoplereallydon'tlikeaides.I'dbettertelleveryonethetruth.
[SouthParkElementary,nextday.Theboysenterthekitchentogettheirmeals.]
Chef:
Hellothere,children.
Kyle:
Chef,weneedButterstogainaboutfiftypoundsfast.
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