Fables in Slang.docx
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Fables in Slang.docx
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FablesinSlang
FablesinSlang
THEFABLEOFTHEVISITORWHOGOTALOTFORTHREEDOLLARS.
TheLearnedPhrenologistsatinhisOfficesurroundedbyhisWhiskers.
NowandthenheputaForefingertohisBrowandglancedattheMirrortomakesurethathestillresembledWilliamCullenBryant.
Nearhim,onaTable,wasaPallidHeadmadeofPlaster-of-ParisandstickilyornamentedwithsmallLabels.OnthewallwasaChartshowingthattheOrangoutangdoesnothaveDanielWebster'sfacialangle.
"IstheGraftplayedout?
"askedtheLearnedPhrenologist,ashewaited."IsScienceupagainstitorWhat?
"
ThenheheardthefallofHeavyFeetandresumedhisImitation.TheDooropenedandtherecameintotheRoomatall,rangyPersonwithaHeadintheshapeofaRockyFordCantaloupe.
ArousedfromhisMeditation,theLearnedPhrenologistlookedupattheStrangerasthroughaGlass,darkly,andpointedtoaRedPlushChair.
TheEasyMarkcollapsedintotheBoarding-HouseChairandtheManwithmoreWhiskersthanDarwineversawstoodbehindHimandranhisFingersoverhisHead,Tarantula-Wise.
THELEARNEDPHRENOLOGIST
"Well,well!
"saidtheLearnedPhrenologist"EnoughBenevolenceheretodoafamilyofEight.Courage?
Iguessyes!
Dewey'sgotthesamekindofaLumprightovertheLeftEar.LoveofHomeandFriends—liketheridgebehindaBunker!
Firmness—outofsight!
Reverence—well,whenitcomestoReverence,you'recertainlyTherewiththeGoods!
Conscientiousness,Hope,andIdeality—theLimit!
AndasforMetaphysicalPenetration—oh,Say,theMetaphysicalPenetration,rightwhereyouparttheHair—oh,Laura!
Say,you'vegotCharlesEliotNortonwhippedtoaCustard.I'vegotmyHandonitnow.Youcanfeelityourself,can'tyou?
"
"IcanfeelSomething,"repliedtheHumanBeing,witharaptSmile.
HUMANBEING
"Wit,CompassionandPoeticTalent—rightherewhereI'vegotmyThumb—aCinch!
Ithinkyou'llrunashighas98percentonalltheIntellectualFaculties.InyourCasewehaveaRareCombinationofExecutiveAbility,orthePowertoCommand,andthoseQualitiesofBenevolenceandIdealitywhichcontributetothefosteringofPermanentReligiousSentiment.Idon'tknowwhatyourpresentOccupationis,butyououghttobePresidentofaTheologicalSeminary.KindlyslipmeThreeDollarsbeforeyouPassOut."
TheTallManseparatedhimselffromTwoDays'PayandthenwentoutontheStreetandpushedPeopleofftheSidewalk,HethoughtsowellofHimself.
Thereafter,asbefore,hedroveaTruck,buthewasalwaysgladtoknowthathecouldhavebeenPresidentofaTheologicalSeminary.
Moral:
AgoodJollyisworthWhateveryouPayforit.
THEFABLEOFTHESLIMGIRLWHOTRIEDTOKEEPADATETHATWASNEVERMADE
OnceuponaTimetherewasaslimGirlwithaForeheadwhichwasShinyandProtuberant,likeaBartlettPear.WhenaskedtoputSomethinginanAutographAlbumsheinvariablywrotetheFollowing,inatall,dislocatedBack-Hand:
"LifeisReal;lifeisEarnest,
AndtheGraveisnotitsGoal."
That'sthekindofaGirlshewas.
InherownTownshehadtheNameofbeingaColdProposition,butthatwasbecausethePrimitiveYokelsofaOne-NightStandcouldnotAttuneThemselvestotheViewsofonewhowastroubledwithIdeals.HerSoulPantedfortheHigherLife.
Alas,theRubeTowninwhichsheHungForthwasgivenovertoCroquet,MushandMilkSociables,alodgeofElksandtwomarriedPreacherswhodoctoredfortheTonsilitis.SowhatcouldthePoorGirldo?
InalltheCountryaroundtherewasnotaManwhocameuptoherPlansandSpecificationsforaHusband.NeitherwasthereanyManwhohadanytimeforHer.SosheledalonelyLife,dreamingoftheOne—theIdeal.HewasabigandpensiveLiteraryMan,wearingaPrinceAlbertcoat,aneatDerbyHatandgodlikeWhiskers.WhenHecamehewouldenfoldHerinhisArmsandwhisperEmerson'sEssaystoher.
COLDPROPOSITION
ButthePartyfailedtoshowup.
OftenenoughsheputonherChipHatandherBlackLisleGlovesandSauntereddowntolookattheGangsittinginfrontoftheOccidentalHotel,hopingthattheRealThingwouldbethere.ButshealwayssawthesameoldlineofFour-FlushDrummersfromChicagoandSt.Louis,smokingHorridCigarsandtalkingaboutthePercentagesoftheLeagueTeams.
SheknewthattheseGrossCreatureswerenotpronetochasemereIntellectualSplendor,soshemadenoefforttoFlagthem.
FOUR-FLUSHDRUMMER
WhenshewasThirty-Fouryearsofageandwasabletorecite"Lucile"withoutlookingattheBookshewasMarriedtoaJanitorofthenameofErnest.HehadbeenkickedintheHeadbyaMulewhenyoungandbelievedeverythinghereadintheSundayPapers.HispaywasTwenty-Threeamonth,whichwashigh,ifyouknewErnest.
HisWifeworearedMotherHubbardallduringtheRemainderofherLife.
ThisisinvariablyaSignofBlastedHopes.
Moral:
NeverLiveinaJayTown.
THEFABLEOFTHENEWYORKPERSONWHOGAVETHESTAGEFRIGHTTOFOSTORIA,OHIO
ANewYorkmanwenttovisitaCousinintheFarWest.
ThenameoftheTownwasFostoria,Ohio.
WhenhecameintoTownhehadhisWatch-ChainontheoutsideofhisCoat,andhisPinkSpatswerethefirsteverseeninFostoria.
"HaveyouaManicureParlorinthisBeastlyHole?
"askedtheNewYorkMan,astheywalkedupfromtheTrain.
"What'sthat?
"askedtheCousin,steppingonhisownFeet.
"GreatHeavens!
"exclaimedtheNewYorkMan,andwassilentforseveralMoments.
AtDinnerhecalledforArtichokes,andwhentoldthattherewerenone,hesaid,"Oh,verywell,"inaToneofChastenedResignation.
AfterDinnerhetooktheFamilyintotheParlor,andtoldtheMembershowmuchtheywouldEnjoygoingtoWeberandFields'.SeeingaBookontheTable,hesauntereduptoItandsaid,"Ah,oneofDickDavis'Things."LaterintheEveninghevisitedtheonlyClubHouseinTown.TheLocalEditoroftheEveningPaperwasplayingPin-PoolwiththeSuperintendentoftheTrolleyLine.WhentheNewYorkMancameintotheRoom,theybegantoTrembleandfelldownontheirShots.
NEWYORKMAN
TheManageroftheHubandSpokeFactorythenaskedtheNewYorkMantohaveaDrink.TheNewYorkManwonderedifaSmallBottlewasalreadycold.TheysaidYes,butitwasaLie.TheBoyhadtogooutforit.
HefoundOnethathadbeenintheWindowoftheTurfExchangesincetheGrandOpening,theYearafterNaturalGaswasdiscovered.TheNewYorkMandrankit,remarkingthatitwashardlyasDryasheusuallygotitatMartin's.
TheClubMemberslookedatHimandsaidNothing.TheythoughthemeantBradley-Martin's.
NextDaytheNewYorkManwasInterviewedbytheLocalEditor.HesaidtheWesthadaGreatFuture.IntheEveningheattendedtheAnnualDinneroftheBicycleClub,andwentHomeearlybecausetheMansittingnexttohimputIceinhisClaret.
SNAKECHARMER
InduetimehereturnedtoNewYork,andFostoriatookoffitsWhiteShirt.
SomeWeeksafterthat,theCousinoftheNewYorkManhadanOpportunitytovisittheMetropolis.HerodeonanExtraTicketwithaStockmanwhowasshippingthreeCar-LoadofHorses,andgotaFreeTicketforeveryCar-Load.
WhentheCousinarrivedatNewYorkhewenttotheaddress,andfoundtheNewYorkManatDinner.
TherewasaSheafofCeleryontheTable.
OppositetheNewYorkMansataChiropodistwhodrank.
AthisrightwasaLargeWomaninaFloweredWrapper—shehadbeenWeeping.
AthisleftwasaSnake-CharmerfromHuber'sMuseum.
TheNewYorkManaskedtheCousintowaitOutside,andthenexplainedthathewasstoppingthereTemporarily.ThatEveningtheywenttoProctor's,andstoodduringthePerformance.
Moral:
ANewYorkManneverbeginstoCutIceuntilheiswestofRahway.
THEFABLEOFTHEKIDWHOSHIFTEDHISIDEAL
AnA.D.T.KidcarryingaDeathMessagemarked"Rush"stoppedinfrontofaShowWindowcontainingaPictureofJamesJ.Jeffriesandbegantoweepbitterly.
Akind-heartedSuburbanitehappenedtobepassingalongonhisWaytothe5:
42Train.HewascarryingaDogCollar,aSickle,aBasketofEggPlumsandaBicycleTire.
TheSuburbanitesawtheA.D.T.KidinTearsanditstruckhimthatherewasaBullyChancetoactouttheKind-HeartedPedestrianwhoisalwaysplayedupstrongintheSundaySchoolStoriesaboutRalphandEdgar.
"Whydoyouweep?
"heasked,peeringattheBoythroughhisconcavo-convexNoseGlasses.
"Oh,gee!
IwasjustThinking,"repliedtheUrchin,brokenly."IwasjustThinkingwhatchancehaveIgottogrowupandbetheMainStem,likeMr.Jeffries."
THEKID
"WhatapervertedAmbition!
"exclaimedtheSuburbanite."WhydoyousetupMr.JeffriesasanIdeal?
WhydoyounotstrivetobelikeMe?
IsitnotworthaLifeofEndeavortocommandtheLoveandRespectofaMoralSettlementontheOutskirts?
AlltheConductorsonourDivisionspeakpleasantlytoMe,andtheGatemanhascometoknowmyName.LastyearIhadmyHalf-ToneintheVillageWeeklyforthemereCostoftheEngraving.WhenweopenedLocustavenuefromtheCemeterywesttoAlexander'sDairy,wasInotaMemberoftheCommitteeappointedtopresentthePetitiontotheCouncilmen?
That'swhatIwas!
ForSixYearsIhavebeenaMemberoftheLeagueofAmericanWheelmenandnowIamaCandidateforDirectorofournewfour-holeGolfClub.AlsoIplayWhistontheTrainwithaManwhooncelivedinthesameHousewithT.DeWittTalmage."
HearingthesewordstheA.D.T.KidceasedweepingandcheerfullyproceededupanAlley,whereheplayed"WoodTag."
Moral:
AstheTwigisBenttheTreeisInclined.
THEFABLEOFTHEBASEBALLFANWHOTOOKTHEONLYKNOWNCURE
OnceuponaTimeaBaseBallFanlayonhisDeath-Bed.
HehadbeenaRooterfromthedaysofUnderhandPitching.
ItwassimplyPieforhimtotellinwhatyearAnsebegantoplaywiththeRockford
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