英语笑话.docx
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英语笑话.docx
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英语笑话
成婚支付的价值
Alittleboyaskedhisfather:
Daddy,howmuchdoesitcosttogetmarried?
Thefatherreplied:
Idon'tknowson.I'mstillpaying!
!
吝啬鬼的集会
Thenotoriouscheapskatefinallydecidedtohaveaparty.Explainingtoafriendhowtofindhisapartment,hesaid,"Comeuptothefifthfloorandringthedoorbellwithyourelbow.Whenthedooropen,pushwithyourfoot."
"Whyusemyelbowandfoot?
"
"Well,gosh,"wasthereply,"You'renotcomingempty-handed,areyou?
"
成婚支付的价值
Alittleboyaskedhisfather:
Daddy,howmuchdoesitcosttogetmarried?
Thefatherreplied:
Idon'tknowson.I'mstillpaying!
!
林肯过生日
Teacher:
Whatgreat
eventhappenedin1809?
LittleWilly:
AbrahamLincolnwasborn.
Teacher:
Correct.Andwhatgreateventhappenedin1812?
LittleWilly:
AbrahamLincolnhadhisthirdbirthday.
相亲
Afterbeingwithherallevening,themancouldn'ttakeanotherminutewithhisblinddate.Earlier,hehadsecretlyarrangedtohaveafriendcallhimtothephonesohewouldhaveanexcusetoleave.Whenhereturnedtothetable,heloweredhiseyes,putonagrimexpressionandsaid,"Ihavesomebadnews.Mygrandfatherjustdied.""Thankheavens,"hisdatereplied."Ifyourshadn't,minewouldhavehadto!
"
Therewasalittlegirlwhowasprayinginherbedroom.Whenhergrandfatherpassedby,hetriedtolistenwhileshewaspraying.Butallheheardwas"A,B,C,D,E,F..."throughthewholealphabet.Thegirlreciteditoverandoveragainsothegrandfathersaid,"Heykid,whatareyoudoing?
"Thegranddaughtersaid,"I'mpraying."Sohesaid,"Whatkindofprayeristhat?
"Andthegirlsaid,"Well,ItriedtopraytoGod,butIdon'tknowwhattosaytoHim.SoIgaveHimthewholealphabet,andHecanputittogetherHimself."
足智多谋
Therewasa75-year-oldmulti-millionairewhohadjustmarriedabeautiful18-year-oldblondgirl.Sohisfriendsaskedhim,"Howdidyoumanagetogetan18-year-oldgirltomarryyou,whenyou're75?
"
An导盲犬帮我看
Ablindmanwithaseeingeyedogathissidewalksintoagrocerystore.
Themanwalkstothemiddleofthestore,picksupthedogbythetail,andstartsswingingthedogaroundincirclesoverhishead.
Thestoremanager,whohasseenallthis,thinksthisisquitestrange.So,hedecidestofindoutwhat'sgoingon.Thestoremanagerapproachestheblindmanswingingthedogandsays,"Pardonme.MayIhelpyouwithsomething."
Theblindmansays,"Nothanks.I'mjustlookingaround."
dtheoldmanreplied,"ItoldherIwas99,soshewouldmarrymequick!
"
长命诀窍
Awomanwalksuptoalittleoldmanrockinginachaironhisporch.
"Icouldn'thelpnoticinghowhappyyoulook,"shesays."What'syoursecretforalong,happylife?
"
"Ismokethreepacksaday,drinkacaseofwhiskeyaweek,eatfattyfoodsandnever,everexercise."
"Wow,that'samazing,"saysthewoman."Howoldareyou?
"
"Twenty-six."
交流三明治
Twoattorneyswentintoadinerandorderedtwodrinks.Thentheytookoutsandwichesfromtheirbriefcasesandstartedtoeat.
Thewaiterbecamequiteconcernedandmarchedoverandtoldthem,“Youcan’teatyourownsandwicheshere!
”Theattorneyslookedateachother,shruggedtheirshouldersandthenexchangedsandwiches
石油
Teacher:
Whatdowedowithcrudeoil?
Pupil:
Teachitsomemanners!
前史考试
Aunt:
HowdidJimdohishistoryexamination?
Mother:
Oh,notatallwell,butthere,itwasn'thisfault.Why,theyaskedhimthingsthathappenedbeforethepoorboywasborn.
复数方式
Teacher:
Whatisthepluralofmouse?
Pupil:
Mice.
Teacher:
Good,nowwhat'sthepluralofbaby?
Pupil:
Twins!
两块饼干
Mother:
Doyouwantacookie,Pierre?
Doyouwantacookie,Pierre?
Pierre:
Yes,Mum.
Mother:
WhymustIaskyoutwice?
Pierre:
Because,Mum,Iwanttwocookies.
教师和学生
Teacher:
Iwantyoutotellmethelongestsentenceyoucanthinkof.
Pupi:
Lifeimprisonment!
蝙蝠的故事
Twovampirebatswakeupinthemiddleofthenight,thirstyforblood.Onesays,"Let'sflyoutofthecaveandgetsomeblood."
"We'renewhere,"saysthesecondone."It'sdarkout,andwedon'tknowwheretolook.We'dbetterwaituntiltheotherbatsgowithus."
Thefirstbatreplies,"Whoneedsthem?
Icanfindsomebloodsomewhere."Hefliesoutofthecave.
Whenhereturns,heiscoveredwithblood.
Thesecondbatsaysexcitedly,"Wheredidyougettheblood?
"
Thefirstbattakeshisbuddytothemouthofthecave.Pointingintothenight,heasks,"Seethatblackbuildingoverthere?
"
"Yes,"theotherbatanswers.
"Well,"saysthefirstbat,"Ididn't."
传教士买鹦鹉
Apreacherisbuyingaparrot.
"Areyousureitdoesn'tscream,yell,orswear?
"askedthepreacher.
"Ohabsolutely.It'sareligiousparrot,"thestorekeeperassureshim.
"Doyouseethosestringsonhislegs?
Whenyoupulltherightone,herecitesthelord'sprayer,andwhenyoupullontheleftherecitesthe23rdPsalm."
"Wonderful!
"saysthepreacher,"butwhathappensifyoupullbothstrings?
"
"Ifalloffmyperch,youstupidfool!
"screechedtheparrot.
推销
“Now,Madam,”saidthesalesmanaftershowinghiscompany'sproducts,“Whatdoyouneedmostathomenow?
”
“Money,sir,”thewomansaidwithnohesitation.
婚礼
Mrs.JonesandherlittledaughterKarenwereoutsidethechurchwatchingallthecomingsandgoingsofawedding.Afterthephotographshadbeentaken,everyonehaddrivenofftothereceptionandalltheexcitementwasover.
Karensaidtohermother,"Whydidthebridechangehermind,Mummy?
"
"Whatdoyoumean,changehermind?
"askedMrs.Jones.
"Well,"saidthemoppet,"Shewentintothechurchwithonemanandcameoutwithanother!
"
父与子
[2007-08-2207:
56]
Father:
Youknow,Tom,whenLincolnwasyourage,hewasaverygoodpupil.Infact,hewasthebestpupilinhisclass.
Tom:
Yes,Father.Iknowthat.Butwhenhewasyourage,hewasPresidentoftheUnitedStates.
醉酒
[2007-08-2108:
01]
Oneday,afatherandhislittlesonweregoinghome.Atthisage,theboywasinterestinginallkindsofthingsandwasalwaysaskingquestions.Now,heasked,"What'sthemeaningoftheword'Drunk',dad?
"
"Well,myson,"hisfatherreplied,"look,therearestandingtwopolicemen.IfIregardthetwopolicemenasfourthenIamdrunk."
"But,dad,"theboysaid,"there'sonlyONEpoliceman!
"
许诺的成果
[2007-08-2008:
00]
Father:
Ipromisedtobuyyouacarifyoupassedyourexamination,andyouhavefailed.Whatwereyoudoinglastterm?
Son:
Iwaslearningtodriveacar.
学法语
[2007-08-1708:
34]
Son:
Dad,isFrenchdifficulttolearn?
Father:
Myboy,atthebeginningitis,butafterthatitbecomeseasy.
Son:
That'sgreat!
I'lllearnthelatterhalf.
两磅李子
[2007-08-1608:
25]
Mother:
Isentmylittleboyfortwopoundsofplumsandyougavehimapoundandahalf.
Shopkeeper:
Myscalesareallright,madam.Haveyouweighedyourlittleboy?
她是卖糖块的!
[2007-08-1416:
41]
LittleRobertaskedhismotherfortwocents.
"WhatdidyoudowiththemoneyIgaveyouyesterday?
"
"Igaveittoapooroldwoman,"heanswered.
"You'reagoodboy,"saidthemotherproudly.
"Herearetwocentsmore.Butwhyareyousointerestedintheoldwoman?
"
"Sheistheonewhosellsthecandy."
他的耳朵在我口袋里!
[2007-08-1408:
00]
Ivancamehomewithabloodynoseandhismotherasked,"Whathappened?
"
"Akidbitme,"repliedIvan.
"Wouldyourecognizehimifyousawhimagain?
"askedhismother.
"I'dknowhimanywhere,"saidIvan."Ihavehisearinmypocket."
拳击和赛跑
[2007-08-0917:
57]
Danisteachinghissonhowtobox.Ashedoesso,helefthisfriend,"Thisisatoughworld,soI'mteachingmyboytofight."
Friend:
"Butsupposehecomesupagainstsomeonemuchbiggerthanheis,who'salsobeentaughthowtobox."
Dan:
"I'mteachinghimhowtorun,too."
哪只鼠最牛?
[2007-07-3009:
10]
Threeratsaresittingatthebartalkingbraggingabouttheirbraveryandtoughness.
Thefirstsays,"I'msotough,onceIateawholebagfulofratpoison!
"
Thesecondsays,"WellI'msotough,onceIwascaughtinarattrapandIbititapart!
"
Thenthethirdratgetsupandsays,"Laterguys,I'moffhometoharassthecat."
碎杯子的隐秘
[2007-08-0811:
04]
Aservantbrokeacup.Hismasterwasveryangryandasked,"Howdidyoubreakit?
"
“Doyoureallywanttoknow?
”theservantpickedupanothercupandthrewitontotheground,“Ibrokeitlikethis.”
突发奇想——老公和老婆的由来
[2007-08-0510:
11]
WhydoesamanwanttohaveaWIFE?
Because…
W---Washing
I---Ironing
F---Food
E---Entertainment
WhydoesawomanwanttohaveaHUSBAND?
Because…
H---Housing
U---Understanding
S---Sharing
B---Buying
A---and
N---Never
D---Demanding
还我安定!
[2007-08-0208:
00]
"MayIborrowyourrecordplayertonight?
"amanaskedhisneighbor.
"Sure.Doyouwanttolistentosomemusic?
"
"No,”heanswered.“TonightIwanttohavesomepeaceandquiet."
没听懂的“睡眠药”
[2007-07-3009:
09]
Anexhaustedlookingblondedraggedherselfintothedoctor'soffice."Doctor,therearedogsallovermyneighborhood.Theybarkalldayandallnight,andIcan'tgetawinkofsleep."
"Ihavegoodnewsforyou,"thedoctoranswered,rummagingthroughadrawerfullofsamplemedications.
"Herearesomenewsleepingpillsthatworklikeadream.Afewoftheseandyourtroubleswillbeover."
"Great,"theblondeanswered,"I'lltryanything.Let'sgiveitashot."
Afewweekslatertheblondereturned,lookingworsethanever."Doc,yourplanisnogood.I'mmoretiredthanbefore!
"
"Idon'tunderstandhowthat
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