英文小幽默.docx
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英文小幽默.docx
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英文小幽默
OneEngineLeft
A747washalfwayacrosstheAtlanticwhenthecaptaingotontheloudspeaker,"Attention,passengers.Wehavelostoneofourengines,butwecancertainlyreachLondonwiththethreewehaveleft.Unfortunately,wewillarriveanhourlateasaresult."
Shortlythereafter,thepassengersheardthecaptain'svoiceagain,"Guesswhat,folks.Wejustlostourthirdengine,butpleasebeassuredwecanflywithonlyone.WewillnowarriveinLondonthreehourslate."
Atthispoint,onepassengerbecamefurious."ForPete'ssake,"heshouted,"Ifweloseanotherengine,we'llbeuphereallnight!
"
WhereIsTheFather?
Twobrotherswerelookingatsomebeautifulpaintings.
"Look,"saidtheelderbrother."Hownicethesepaintingsare!
"
"Yes,"saidtheyounger,"butinallthesepaintingsthereisonlythemotherandthechildren.Whereisthefather?
"
Theelderbrotherthoughtforamomentandthenexplained,"Obviouslyhewaspaintingthepictures."
BewareofDog!
Asastrangerenteredalittlecountrystore,henoticedasignwarning,"Danger!
Bewareofdog!
"postedontheglassdoor.Inside,henoticedaharmlessoldhounddogasleeponthefloorbesidethecashregister. "Isthatthedogfolksaresupposedtobewareof?
"heaskedtheowner."Yep,that'shim,"camethereply. Thestrangercouldn'thelpbutbeamused."Thatcertainlydoesn'tlooklikeadangerousdogtome.Whyintheworldwouldyoupostthatsign?
" "Because,"theownerexplained,"BeforeIpostedthatsign,peoplekepttrippingoverhim!
"
GoodPointsandBadPoints
"Thishouse,"saidthereal-estatesalesman,"hasbothitsgoodpointsandbadpoints.ToshowyouI'mhonest,I'mgoingtotellyouaboutthedisadvantage-thereisachemicalplantoneblocksouthandaslaughterhouseoneblocknorth."
"Whataretheadvantages?
"inquiredtheprospectivebuyer.
"Thegoodthingaboutit,"saidtheagent,"isthatyoucanalwaystellwhichwaythewindisblowing."
WhoseFatherWastheStronger?
WillandBillwerequarrellingaboutwhosefatherwasthestronger.Willsaid,"Well,youknowthePacificOcean?
Myfather'stheonewhodugtheholeforit."
Billwasn'timpressed,"Well,that'snothing.YouknowtheDeadSea?
Myfather'stheonewhokilledit!
"
ThingsHaveBeenOkay.
Ayoungcouplewasbecominganxiousabouttheirfour-year-oldson, whohadnotyettalked.Theytookhimtospecialists,butthedoctors foundnothingwrongwithhim.
Thenonemorningatbreakfasttheboysuddenlyblurted,"Mom,the toastisburned."
"Youtalked!
Youtalked!
"shoutedhismother."I'msohappy!
Butwhy hasittakenthislong."
"Well,uptillnow,"saidtheboy,"thingshavebeenokay."
IThinkthatI'maChicken
Psychiatrist:
What'syourproblem?
Patient:
IthinkI'machicken.
Psychiatrist:
Howlonghasthisbeengoingon?
Patient:
EversinceIwasanegg!
IHaveaPerfectSon
A:
Ihaveaperfectson.
B:
Doeshesmoke?
A:
No,hedoesn't.
B:
Doeshedrinkwhiskey?
A:
No,hedoesn't.
B:
Doesheevercomehomelate?
A:
No,hedoesn't.
B:
Iguessyoureallydohaveaperfectson.Howoldishe?
A:
HewillbesixmonthsoldnextWednesday
YouAreFired
Boss:
Gotomyofficeandgetthisweek’spay.You’refired.
Perry:
Why?
Ihaven’tdoneanything.
Boss:
That’swhyyouarefired.
SheDon’tSayAnything
AmotherandsonarewashingdisheswhilethefatheranddaughterarewatchingTVintheroom.Suddenly,thereisacrashofbreakingdishes.
Daughter:
ItmustbeMom.
Father:
Howdoyouknow?
Daughter:
Shedoesn’tsayanything.
DetectiveandCriminal
Adetectivearrestedacriminal,andwasabouttohandcuffhimwhenaheavywindblewthedetectve’shatoff.
“ShallIgoandfetchit?
”thecriminalasked.
“Doyoutakemeforafool?
”askedthedetective.“YouwaitherewhileIgoandgetit!
”
DetectiveandCriminal
Double0
Mum:
XiaoHua.What’soneminusone?
XiaoHua:
0.
Mum:
Howcleveryouare!
Goodboy!
What’stwominustwo?
XiaoHua:
Double0.
ToStayYoung
MissAlice:
Look:
Thisboostellsyouhowtotakefiveyearsoffyourface.
MrsSmith:
Good!
I’lltaketwo!
TheAnswerIsTooHard
Teacher:
Whydon’tyouanswer,Helen?
Ismyquestiontoohardforyou?
Helen:
Oh,no.Iunderstandyourquestionquitewell,buttheanswer,buttheansweristoohardforme.
Thereissomethingwrongwithmycomputer
Alice:
Canyouhelpme,Jim?
Thereissomethingwrongwithmycomputer!
Jim:
What’sthematter?
Alice:
WhenIinputtheuser’sname,isitOK,butthereappearmanylittlestarswhenIinputthecode!
ICaughtEveryStep
MrBrownwasreadinghiseveningpaperwhentherecameatremendousbangingdownthestairs.Hejumpedup,rantothehall,anddiscoveredhisschoolboysonsprawledonthefloor.
"Didyoumissastep?
"askedhisdad.
"No,Icaughteveryblessedone!
"camethebitteranswered.
ToBuyaVideo
Amosaskedhismotherwhethertheycouldhaveavideo.
"I’mafraidwecan’taffordone,"sighedhismother.
ButonthefollowingdayincameAmos,staggeringbeneaththeweightofabrand-newvideo.
"Howonearthdidyoupayforthat?
"gaspedhismother.
"Easy,Mum."repliedAmos,"Isoldthetelevision!
"
TheClimateofNewZealand
Teacher:
Matthew,whatistheclimateofNewZealand?
Matthew:
VeryCold,sir.
Teacher:
Wrong.
Matthew:
But,sir!
Whentheysendusmeatitalwaysarrivesfrozen!
BoxingandRunning
Danisteachinghissonhowtobox.Ashedoesso,helefthisfriend,"Thisisatoughworld,soI’mteachingmyboytofight."
Friend:
"Butsupposehecomesupagainstsomeonemuchbiggerthanheis,who’salsobeentaughthowtobox."
Dan:
"I’mteachinghimhowtorun,too."
WhoDoYouThinkYouAre?
Thebuswascrowded,andasonemoremantriedtogeton,thepassengerswouldn’tlethimaboard.
“Itistoocrowded,“theyshouted.”whodoyouthinkyouare?
”
“Iamthedriver.”hesaid.
Thirteen!
Aguyiswalkingpastabigwoodenfenceattheinsaneasylumandhehearsalltheresidentsinsidechanting,"Thirteen!
Thirteen!
Thirteen!
"
Quitecuriousaboutthis,hefindsaholeinthefence,andlooksin.Someoneinsidepokeshimintheeye.
Theneveryoneinsidetheasylumstartschanting,"Fourteen!
Fourteen!
Fourteen!
"
HalforFiveTenths?
Teacher:
Wouldyouratherhaveonehalfofanorangeorfivetenths?
Gerald:
I’dmuchratherhavethehalf.
Teacher:
Thinkcarefully,andtellmewhy.
Gerald:
Becauseyoulosetoomuchjuicewhenyoucuttheorangeintofivetenths.
TwoHunters
Oncetwohunterswenthuntingintheforest.Oneofthemsuddenlyfelldownbyaccident.Heseemedtohaveceasedbreathing.Theotherhuntersoontookouthismobilephonetocalltheemergencycenterforhelp.Theoperatorsaidcalmly,“First,youshouldmakesurethatheisalreadydead.”Thentheoperatorheardagunshotfromtheotherendofthephoneandnextheheardthehunterasking,"WhatshouldIdonext?
"
BigHands
Teacher:
IfIhadsevenorangesinonehandandeightorangesintheother,whatwouldIhave?
Student:
Bighands.
SecretforaLongLife
Awomanwalksuptoalittleoldmanwhocomfortablysittinginachair.
"Icouldn'thelpnoticinghowhappyyoulook,"shesays.
"What'syoursecretforalong,happylife?
"
"Ismokethreepacksaday,drinkacaseofwhiskeyaweek,eatfattyfoodsandnever,everexercise."
"Wow,that'samazing,"saysthewoman."Howoldareyou?
"
"Twenty-six."
TheNewTeacher
GeorgecomesfromschoolonthefirstofSeptember.
"George,howdidyoulikeyournewteacher?
"askedhismother.
"Ididn'tlikeher,Mother,becauseshesaidthatthreeandthreeweresixandthenshesaidthattwoandfourweresixtoo."
ExcuseforSpeeding
HarryandLloydwerespeedingdowntheroad.Apolicecarpulledthemover.
〃Whyonearthwereyoudrivingsofast?
〃thepolicemanyelled.
〃Ourbrakesarenogood-sowewantedtogettherebeforewehadanaccident!
〃
TwoBirds
Teacher:
Herearetwobirds,oneisaswallow,andtheotherissparrow.Nowwhocantelluswhichiswhich?
Student:
IcannotpointoutbutIknowtheanswer.
Teacher:
Pleasetellus.
Student:
Theswallowisbesidethesparrowandthesparrowisbesidetheswallow.
WhyLate?
Teacher:
Whyareyoulateforschooleverymorning?
Tom:
EverytimeIcometothecorner,asignsays,“School—Goslow”。
I'veJustBittenMyTongue
“Arewepoisonous?
”theyoungsnakeaskedhismother.
“Yes,dear,”shereplied,“Whydoyouask?
”
“BecauseI'vejustbittenmytongue!
”
Drunk
Oneday,afatherandhislittlesonweregoinghome.Atthisage,theboywasinterestedinallkindsofthingsandwasalwaysaskingquestions.Now,heasked,"What'sthemeaningoftheword'Drunk',dad?
""Well,myson,"hisfatherreplied,"look,therearestandingtwopolicemen.IfIregardthetwopolicemenasfourthenIamdrunk."
"But,dad,"theboysaid,"there'sonlyONEpoliceman!
"
BringMetheWinner
—Waiter,thislobsterhasonlyoneclaw.
—I'msorry,sir.Itmusthavebeeninafight.
—Well,bringmethewinnerthen.
MyDogCan'tRead
MrsBrown:
Oh,mydear,Ihavelostmypreciouslittledog!
MrsSmith:
Butyoumustputanadvertisementinthepapers!
MrsBrown:
It'snouse,mylittledogcan'tread.
HeWon
Tommy:
Howisyourlittlebrother,Johnny?
Johnny:
Heisillinbed.Hehurthimself.
Tommy:
That'stoobad.Howdidthathappen?
Johnny:
Weplayedwhocouldleanfurthestoutofthewindow,andhewonatlast.
Hospitality
Thehostessapologizedtoherunexpectedguestforservinganapple-piewithoutanycheese.Thelittleboyofthefamilylefttheroomquietlyforamoment
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