Ted演讲稿脆弱的力量.docx

Ted演讲稿脆弱的力量.docx

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Ted演讲稿脆弱的力量

BreneBrown：

Thepowerofvulnerability

So,I'llstartwiththis:

 acoupleyearsago,aneventplannercalledme becauseIwasgoingtodoaspeakingevent. Andshecalled,andshesaid, "I'mreallystrugglingwithhow towriteaboutyouonthelittleflier." AndIthought,"Well,what'sthestruggle?

" Andshesaid,"Well,Isawyouspeak, andI'mgoingtocallyouaresearcher,Ithink, butI'mafraidifIcallyouaresearcher,noonewillcome, becausethey'llthinkyou'reboringandirrelevant." （Laughter）AndIwaslike,"Okay." Andshesaid,"ButthethingIlikedaboutyourtalk isyou'reastoryteller. SoIthinkwhatI'lldoisjustcallyouastoryteller." Andofcourse,theacademic,insecurepartofme waslike,"You'regoingtocallmeawhat?

" Andshesaid,"I'mgoingtocallyouastoryteller." AndIwaslike,"Whynotmagicpixie?

" （Laughter） Iwaslike,"Letmethinkaboutthisforasecond." Itriedtocalldeeponmycourage. AndIthought,youknow,Iamastoryteller. I'maqualitativeresearcher. Icollectstories;that'swhatIdo. Andmaybestoriesarejustdatawithasoul. AndmaybeI'mjustastoryteller. AndsoIsaid,"Youknowwhat?

 Whydon'tyoujustsayI'maresearcher-storyteller." Andshewent,"Haha.There'snosuchthing."（Laughter） SoI'maresearcher-storyteller, andI'mgoingtotalktoyoutoday-- we'retalkingaboutexpandingperception-- andsoIwanttotalktoyouandtellsomestories aboutapieceofmyresearch thatfundamentallyexpandedmyperception andreallyactuallychangedthewaythatIliveandlove andworkandparent.

Andthisiswheremystorystarts. WhenIwasayoungresearcher,doctoralstudent, myfirstyearIhadaresearchprofessor whosaidtous, "Here'sthething, ifyoucannotmeasureit,itdoesnotexist." AndIthoughthewasjustsweet-talkingme. Iwaslike,"Really?

"andhewaslike,"Absolutely." Andsoyouhavetounderstand thatIhaveabachelor'sinsocialwork,amaster'sinsocialwork, andIwasgettingmyPh.D.insocialwork, somyentireacademiccareer wassurroundedbypeople whokindofbelieved inthe"life'smessy,loveit." AndI'mmoreofthe,"life'smessy, cleanitup,organizeit andputitintoabentobox." （Laughter） AndsotothinkthatIhadfoundmyway, tofoundacareerthattakesme-- really,oneofthebigsayingsinsocialwork is,"Leanintothediscomfortofthework." AndI'mlike,knockdiscomfortupsidethehead andmoveitoverandgetallA's. Thatwasmymantra. SoIwasveryexcitedaboutthis. AndsoIthought,youknowwhat,thisisthecareerforme, becauseIaminterestedinsomemessytopics. ButIwanttobeabletomakethemnotmessy. Iwanttounderstandthem. Iwanttohackintothesethings Iknowareimportant andlaythecodeoutforeveryonetosee.

SowhereIstartedwaswithconnection. Because,bythetimeyou'reasocialworkerfor10years, whatyourealize isthatconnectioniswhywe'rehere. It'swhatgivespurposeandmeaningtoourlives. Thisiswhatit'sallabout. Itdoesn'tmatterwhetheryoutalktopeoplewhoworkinsocialjusticeandmentalhealthandabuseandneglect, whatweknowisthatconnection, theabilitytofeelconnected,is-- neurobiologicallythat'showwe'rewired-- it'swhywe'rehere. SoIthought,youknowwhat,I'mgoingtostartwithconnection. Well,youknowthatsituation whereyougetanevaluationfromyourboss, andshetellsyou37thingsyoudoreallyawesome, andonething--an"opportunityforgrowth?

" （Laughter） Andallyoucanthinkaboutisthatopportunityforgrowth,right?

 Well,apparentlythisisthewaymyworkwentaswell, because,whenyouaskpeopleaboutlove, theytellyouaboutheartbreak. Whenyouaskpeopleaboutbelonging, they'lltellyoutheirmostexcruciatingexperiences ofbeingexcluded. Andwhenyouaskpeopleaboutconnection, thestoriestheytoldmewereaboutdisconnection.

Soveryquickly--reallyaboutsixweeksintothisresearch-- Iranintothisunnamedthing thatabsolutelyunraveledconnection inawaythatIdidn'tunderstandorhadneverseen. AndsoIpulledbackoutoftheresearch andthought,Ineedtofigureoutwhatthisis. Anditturnedouttobeshame. Andshameisreallyeasilyunderstood asthefearofdisconnection:

 Istheresomethingaboutme that,ifotherpeopleknowitorseeit, thatIwon'tbeworthyofconnection?

 ThethingsIcantellyouaboutit:

 it'suniversal;weallhaveit. Theonlypeoplewhodon'texperienceshame havenocapacityforhumanempathyorconnection. Noonewantstotalkaboutit, andthelessyoutalkaboutitthemoreyouhaveit. Whatunderpinnedthisshame, this"I'mnotgoodenough,"-- whichweallknowthatfeeling:

 "I'mnotblankenough.I'mnotthinenough, richenough,beautifulenough,smartenough, promotedenough." Thethingthatunderpinnedthis wasexcruciatingvulnerability, thisideaof, inorderforconnectiontohappen, wehavetoallowourselvestobeseen, reallyseen.

AndyouknowhowIfeelaboutvulnerability.Ihatevulnerability. AndsoIthought,thisismychance tobeatitbackwithmymeasuringstick. I'mgoingin,I'mgoingtofigurethisstuffout,I'mgoingtospendayear,I'mgoingtototallydeconstructshame, I'mgoingtounderstandhowvulnerabilityworks, andI'mgoingtooutsmartit. SoIwasready,andIwasreallyexcited.Asyouknow,it'snotgoingtoturnoutwell. （Laughter） Youknowthis. So,Icouldtellyoualotaboutshame, butI'dhavetoborroweveryoneelse'stime. Buthere'swhatIcantellyouthatitboilsdownto-- andthismaybeoneofthemostimportantthingsthatI'veeverlearned inthedecadeofdoingthisresearch. Myoneyear turnedintosixyears:

 thousandsofstories,hundredsoflonginterviews,focusgroups. Atonepoint,peopleweresendingmejournalpagesandsendingmetheirstories-- thousandsofpiecesofdatainsixyears. AndIkindofgotahandleonit.

Ikindofunderstood,thisiswhatshameis, thisishowitworks. Iwroteabook, Ipublishedatheory, butsomethingwasnotokay-- andwhatitwasisthat, ifIroughlytookthepeopleIinterviewed anddividedthemintopeople whoreallyhaveasenseofworthiness-- that'swhatthiscomesdownto, asenseofworthiness-- theyhaveastrongsenseofloveandbelonging--andfolkswhostruggleforit, andfolkswhoarealwayswonderingifthey'regoodenough.Therewasonlyonevariable thatseparatedthepeoplewhohave astrongsenseofloveandbelonging andthepeoplewhoreallystruggleforit. Andthatwas,thepeoplewhohave astrongsenseofloveandbelonging believethey'reworthyofloveandbelonging. That'sit.Theybelievethey'reworthy. Andtome,thehardpart oftheonethingthatkeepsusoutofconnection isourfearthatwe'renotworthyofconnection, wassomethingthat,personallyandprofessionally, IfeltlikeIneededtounderstandbetter. SowhatIdid isItookalloftheinterviews whereIsawworthiness,whereIsawpeoplelivingthatway, andjustlookedatthose.

Whatdothesepeoplehaveincommon?

 Ihaveaslightofficesupplyaddiction, butthat'sanothertalk. SoIhadamanilafolder,andIhadaSharpie, andIwaslike,whatamIgoingtocallthisresearch?

 Andthefirstwordsthatcametomymind werewhole-hearted. Thesearewhole-heartedpeople,livingfromthisdeepsenseofworthiness. SoIwroteatthetopofthemanilafolder, andIstartedlookingatthedata. Infact,Ididitfirst inafour-day veryintensivedataanalysis, whereIwentback,pulledtheseinterviews,pulledthestories,pulledtheincidents.What'sthetheme?

What'sthepattern?

 Myhusbandlefttownwiththekids becauseIalwaysgointothisJacksonPollockcrazything, whereI'mjustlikewriting andinmyresearchermode.Andsohere'swhatIfound. Whattheyhadincommon wasasenseofcourage. AndIwanttoseparatecourageandbraveryforyouforaminute. Courage,theoriginaldefinitionofcourage,whenitfirstcameintotheEnglishlanguage-- it'sfromtheLatinwordcor,meaningheart--andtheoriginaldefinition wastotellthestoryofwhoyouarewithyourwholeheart. Andsothesefolks had,verysimply,thecourage tobeimperfect. Theyhadthecompassion tobekindtothemselvesfirstandthentoothers, because,asitturnsout,wecan'tpracticecompassionwithotherpeople ifwecan'ttreatourselveskindly. Andthelastwastheyhadconnection, and--thiswasthehardpart-- asaresultofauthenticity, theywerewillingtoletgoofwhotheythoughttheyshouldbe inordertobewhotheywere, whichyouhavetoabsolutelydothatforconnection.

Theotherthingthattheyhadincommon wasthis:

 Theyfullyembracedvulnerability. Theybelieved thatwhatmadethemvulnerable madethembeautiful. Theydidn'ttalkaboutvulnerability beingcomfortable, nordidtheyreallytalkaboutitbeingexcruciating-- asIhadhearditearlierintheshameinterviewing. Theyjusttalkedaboutitbeingnecessary. Theytalkedaboutthewillingness tosay,"Iloveyou"first, thewillingness todosomething wheretherearenoguarantees, thewillingness tobreathethroughwaitingforthedoctortocall afteryourmammogram. They'rewillingtoinvestinarelationship thatmayormaynotworkout.Theythoughtthiswasfundamental.

Ipersonallythoughtitwasbetrayal. IcouldnotbelieveIhadpledgedallegiance toresearch,whereourjob-- youknow,thedefinitionofresearch istocontrolandpredict,tostudyphenomena, fortheexplicitreason tocontrolandpredict. Andnowmymission tocontrolandpredict hadturneduptheanswerthatthewaytoliveiswithvulnerability andtostopcontrollingandpredicting. Thisledtoalittlebreakdown-- （Laughter） --whichactuallylookedmorelikethis. （Laughter） Anditdid. Icallitabreakdown;mytherapistcallsitaspirit