South Park803.docx
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South Park803.docx
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SouthPark803
SouthPark
8.03-ThePassionOfTheJew
[Cartman'shouse,day.Aminivanrocksgentlyonthestreet.Inside,theboysmaketheirinterpretationsofspaceshipnoises.Goodboysthattheyare,they'restrappedin.They'rewearingfootballhelmetsandmakeshiftStarfleetuniforms]
Cartman:
[inthedriver'sseat]CaptainCartmanreportingfromShuttlecraftSpontaneity.ApproachingplanetOmegaNine.
Stan:
Warpdrivedisengaged.Landingsequenceinitiated.
Cartman:
Whatkindofatmosphereareyoureadingontheplanetsurface,Jew?
Kyle:
I'maVulcan!
Cartman:
Allright,whatkindofatmosphereareyoureading,VulcanJew?
Kyle:
[lookingintoanimaginaryviewer]Theatmosphereisoxygen-based,shouldsupportourbreathing.
Cartman:
Allright,hangon.We'reabouttoland.[theboysmakelandingnoises,withStanfinishingoffwithathump.CartmanandStanremovetheirseatbelts]Okay,FirstOfficerStanandEngineerKenny,youcomewithmeontheawayteam.VulcanJewKylewillwaithere.
Kyle:
No!
I'montheawayteamtoo!
[heandKennyremovetheirbelts]
Cartman:
[looksback]It'smyMom'snewminivan,soI'mthecaptain,Kyle!
Kyle:
Idon'tcare!
You'renotmakingmewaitinthevanagain!
Cartman:
Fine,Kyle!
Butifsomethinggoeswrongoutthereontheplanetsurface,don'tholdmeresponsible.
[Thesidedoorslidesopen.Cartmanleadstheotherthreeout,soKylejoinsthemafterall.]
Cartman:
Setphasersonstun.
Stan:
Thingsseemprettyquiet.
Cartman:
Yes.Alittletooquiet.
Kyle:
Iampickingupcarbon-basedlifeformsinSectorC.Ibelievewewillfindavillageofpeacefulaliensoverthatridge.[Cartmansighssilently]
Cartman:
Okay,fine,Iguesswe'lllookfor-Ohno!
!
Lookout!
!
It'sagiantfour-headedlavafrog!
!
Shootit!
!
[theboystaketheirpositionsandstartfiringaway]Ohno,itgotKyle!
!
Kyle:
[stopsfiringandstandsstill]Noitdoesn't.[theotherboyscontinuewiththeirphasernoises]
Cartman:
Aw,itgotKyleandit'stearinghisheadoff!
!
[pretendstobethemonsterrippingKyle'sheadoff]Awyouguys,itlookslikeKyleisdonefor.
Kyle:
NoI'mnot!
GoddamnitCartman,you'renotgonnakillmeoffagain!
Cartman:
Agh!
Youseeguys,thisiswhyyoudon'tbringJewsalongontheawayteam:
theydon'tplayalong!
Kyle:
ShutupaboutJews,fatass!
Youdon'tknowanything!
Stan:
OhGod,herewegoagain.
Cartman:
Ohyeah?
!
IsawMelGibson'smovie,ThePassion,andMelGibsonsays,inthemovie,JewsaretheDevil!
Kyle:
Hedoesnot!
Cartman:
Howdoyouknow?
!
I'veseenThePassionthirty-fourtimesnow,Kyle!
Youhaven'tseenitonce!
There'sevenonepartwheretheJewshaveachancetosaveJesus,andyouknowwhattheydo?
TheyletBarabbas,aserialkiller,gofreeinsteadandlaughaboutit.
Kyle:
Nawuh!
Cartman:
Goseethemovie,Kyle!
!
Stan:
Thatdoesit!
I'msickofyouguysarguingaboutThePassion!
I'moutofhere.
Kenny:
(Metoo!
)[theyleave]
Kyle:
I'mnotarguingaboutThePassion!
He'sbeinganasshole!
Cartman:
Youknowwhatitis?
You'rescared.You'rescaredofthetruth.Youdon'twantthatmovietoshowyoujusthowbadtheJewsare,andwhyeveryonehatesyou.
Kyle:
Peopledon'thatetheJews!
Cartman:
[focusesKyle'sattentiontohim]Really?
Threehundredmilliondomesticbox-office,Kyle.Thetop-grossingfilmofalltime,Kyle.Thosenumbersdon'tlie.Ifyou'renotscaredofThePassionthengoseeit.GoseeitandtellmeI'mwrong.MelGibson,Kyle.MelGibson.
Kyle:
...You'reastupidasshole!
[turnsandwalksoff.CartmanturnsleftandglancesatKyle]
Cartman:
Sweeet,nowIcanjustplaywithmyself.[firesoffhisphaser]Pewpeww-pewww!
Getbackintheshuttlecraft!
[racesintotheminivan]
[TheBijou,day.MelGibson'sThePassionofTheChristisnowplaying.Kylewalksuptotheticketbooth,stops,turnsback,stopsagain,andstepsuptothewindow.Hegivesthecashier$20]
Kyle:
Oneplease.
Shlomo:
ThisisanR-ratedmovie.
Kyle:
Yeah,Iknow,butIhaveto-
Shlomo:
But,becausethisissuchanimportantfilmthatactuallydepictstheselflessactofJesusChrist,I'llletyouintoseeit.
Kyle:
...Thanks.[makeshiswaytowardsthedoors,glancingbackatthecashierinwonder]
[TheBijou,inside.Kyleentersandmakeshiswaytoaseat.Hewatches.]
Soldier1:
HacbashtudChristo.
Soldier2:
EtlacHesus.Belacaveshtad.
Jesus:
Wa!
[thewhippingbeginsandJesusscreams.Thisgoesonforalooooongtime.Kyle'smouthwidens,hiseyesgetbigger.Nextscene,he'sgothiscoatoverhismouthandhe'salmostinafetalposition.Nextscenehashimturnedtohisleft,grimacing,hishatpulledoverhisearsashewinces.Nextscenehashimtrembling]
Kyle:
Haaaah!
[NextscenehasKylewithhiseyessqueezedshutandhishandsoverhisface.He'snowcurledupinaball]
Jesus:
Non.Non.Nono,non,non,WAAAAHH!
!
[thewhippingcontinuesandKyledarestopeekagain.Hisstomachreactsandhevomits.Nextscenehashimalmostpassedoutwithvomitdribblingfromhischin.ThefilmendsandKyledoesn'tmove.]
[TheBijou,outside.Kylewalksoutsideinadaze.]
Kyle:
How?
HowcouldtheJewsdothattoJesus?
Shlomo:
Prettybrutal,isn'tit?
Kindawannamakeyouchangeyourlife,huh?
[Cartman'shouse,day.He'sonthecoucheatingcereal]
Announcer:
Andnow,backtoTerranceandPhillip.[thedoorbellrings]
Phillip:
HeyTerrance,IthinkIhavea-
Cartman:
Mom!
Doorbell!
Terrance:
Wait,beforeyoudo,pullmythumb.[asecondlaughterandlaughterisheard.]
Cartman:
[thedoorbellrings]Mom!
Answerthedoor!
Terrance:
HeyPhillip,guesswhat?
Cartman:
Goddamnit,lazy-asswhore.[getsupandanswersthedoorhimself.]
Phillip:
What?
[Terrancefarts.CartmanopensthedoorandseesKylesoakingwetfromaheavyrain]
Kyle:
Youwereright.Youwererightallalong.IthoughtyouwerejustanassholewhenyourippedonJews,but...Ididn'tknow,I...Ididn'tknow.
Cartman:
It'sokay,Kyle.It'sokay.Just...saythatfirstpartagain?
Kyle:
Youwere,youwereright?
Cartman:
[closeshiseyesandrelishesthemoment]Mmm,onemoretime,Kyle.
Kyle:
Youwereright.[Cartmanopenshiseyesandbeamsbrightly]
[Cartman'shouse,hisbedroom.Cartman'sonhisknees]
Cartman:
Iwanttothankyouforalltheblessingsyouhavebroughtme.Youhaveshownmethewaysomanytimesinthepastand...nowyouaremakingallmydreamscometrue.Yougivemestrengthwhenthereisdoubt,andIpraiseyouforallyouhavedone.[ashotofMelGibson'sposter,withoutthe"Braveheart"onit.]Onlyyou,MelGibson,havehadthewisdomandthecouragetoshowtheworldthetruth.FromthisdayforwardIwilldedicatemylifetomakingsureyourfilmisseenbyeveryone.Iwillorganizethemassessothatwemaydothybidding.HailMelGibson.Amen.
[Stan'shouse.HeandKennyareinhisbedroomreadinganewspaper.]
Stan:
Lookatthat,dude.ThePassionhasmadealmost400milliiondollarsattheboxofficenow.
Kenny:
(Goddamn.)
Stan:
[rises]Everyoneinthecountry'sgonnaseethatmovie.Iguess...wehavetogeseeittoo.
[TheBijou,day.Nocloudsaround.StanandKennysitinsideinthemiddle,lookingatthemovie.Themovieends]
Stan:
Dude.Thatmoviesucked.
Kenny:
(Yeah,ittotallysucked!
)
Stan:
Howcantheyevencallthatamovie?
Kenny:
(Idunno)
Stan:
That'sbullcrapdude,let'sgogetourmoneyback.
Kenny:
(Yeah!
)[theyleavetheirseats]
[TheBijou,outside.Acoupleemerges]
Jack:
Wow,Ididn'trealizehowhorribleChrist'sdeathwas.
Elise:
Meneither.Ohhoney,let'sbegoodChristiansfromnowon!
[theywalkoff,screenleft.Asecondcoupleemerges]
Man1:
[redshirt,greensweater]IthinkifmorepeoplesawThePassionthey'dhavefaithinJesus.
Woman1:
[orangeblouse,necklace]Yeah,itreallyguilt-tripsyouintobelieving.[theywalkoff,screenright.StanandKylecomeoutandapproachthewindow]
Stan:
Hey,wewantourmoneyback.
Shlomo:
Huh?
Stan:
Thatmoviesuckedass.Giveusbackoureighteendollars.
Shlomo:
Ican'trefundyourmoney.Yousatthroughthewholemovie.
Stan:
Thatwasn'tamovie,thatwasasnufffilm!
Kenny:
(Yeah!
)
Stan:
Youcan'tchargepeopletowatchaguygettorturedfortwohours!
Shlomo:
ThatguyhappenedtobeJesus,andhewentthroughallthattopayforYOURSINS!
Stan:
Wegotochurchtolearnthatstuff!
Wegotomoviestobeentertained!
Weweren'tentertained,andwewantourmoneyback!
Shlomo:
I'mnowallowedtogiveyouyourmoneybackafteryousatthroughthewholemovie!
You'dhavetotakeyourcomplaintupwiththefilm'sproducers.
Stan:
W-what?
MelGibson?
You'resayingwehavetogetourmoneybackfromMelGibson?
Shlomo:
Yeah.I'dliketoseeyoutry.
Stan:
Oh,wewill!
ThisisAmerica!
AndinAmerica,ifsomethingsucks,you'resupposedtobeabletogetyourmoneyback!
Comeon,Kenny!
[heandKennystormoff]
[Kyle'shouse,night.Kyletossesandturnswhileasleep.Scenesfromthemoviefillhismind:
Jesuscarryingthecrosspastthehighpriests,whohavescowlingfaces.FlashesofRenaissancePassionartgoby]
Priests:
Killhim!
Guilty!
Killhim!
[sketchesofthenaildriventhroughtheleftpalmareanimated,thenarealisticviewofJesuscrucified]Killhim!
Killhim!
Die!
Kyle:
KillJesus!
Yesss!
Arrrgh!
[aswordpiercesJesus'side.TheonepiercinghimisKylehimself,whoseemstoberelishingthis,ashepiercesJesusafewmoretimes.Areviewofimages,thenanimageofAlanAlda,andKylewakesupfrightened.Afterafewscreamshelooksaround]
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