SOUTH PARK1109.docx

SOUTH PARK1109.docx

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SOUTHPARK1109

SOUTHPARK

11X09-MORECRAP

OriginalAirdate（COM）:

10-OCT-2007

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DISCLAIMER:

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"SOUTHPARK"andotherrelatedentitiesareowned,（TM）and?

byTREYPARKER&MATTSTONEviaCOMEDYCENTRALandCOMEDYPARTNERSinassociationwithIMPORTANTTELEVISION.Thistranscriptispostedherewithouttheirpermission,approval,authorizationorendorsement.Anyreproduction,duplication,distributionordisplayofthismaterialinanyformorbyanymeansisexpresslyprohibited.Itisabsolutelyforbiddentouseitforcommercialgain.Forentertainmentandeducationalpurposesonly.Noinfringementintended.

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SUMMARY:

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Stan'sdadtakesthebiggestcrapofhislifeandhismomjustcan'tseewhatthebigdealis.RandybecomesSouthPark'shome-townherowhentheguysdownatthelocalbarseethesizeofhismostrecentcrap.Randycontactsasocietythatkeepstrackoftheworldrecord,thinkinghismasterpiecewoulddefinitelybeacontender.

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TRANSCRIPT:

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Inthisepisode,there'sarunninggaginvolvinganEmmyawardstatue.Watchforthemasyoureadthistranscript.There'sanicepayoffattheend.

[Aclinic.AdoctorchecksRandy'svitals.Randyletsoutasighofpain.]

Doctor:

Well,there'snodoubtinmymind,Mr.Marsh.Youuuarrreconstipated.[walksovertoatable]

Randy:

[quiteaware]Thanksforthenewsflash!

Ihaven'ttakenacrapinoverthreeweeks!

Thequestioniswhy?

!

Doctor:

Well,whatfoodhaveyoubeeneating?

Randy:

P.F.Chang's,mostly.[rubshisbelly]Goodstuff.

Doctor:

I'mgoingtoprescribealaxative.[writesouttheprescriptionandturnsaround]ButImustwarnyou:

whenyoudofinallypassthisstool,itmightbeverypainful.

Randy:

Howpainfulis"painful"?

[TheMarshhouse,night.Randyisinthebathroomtryingtocrap.Hestrainsandgroansforagoodlongwhile.]

[anEmmyAwardstatuefloatsupintoview,andabannersaying"EMMYAWARDWINNINGSERIES"shimmersafter.]

Randy:

OhGod.Oh,hereitcomes.[hegoesforthefinalpush,whichhashimpushinghimselfoffthetoiletseatbyhishandsseveraltimes.Afewsecondslater,thebannerandawarddisappear]Whoa,hot!

Hothot!

Whoaaahothothothothot!

[aviewfromthestreet.Randy'smoanscanbeheardashecanbeseenmovingabout]Whoa,whoaaa!

Whoahot!

Hothothothothothothothot!

[backinthebathroom.Thestoolfinallycomesout]Dohhhhhhhhhh!

[]Oooh!

Oohoo.[beginstosobfromrelief]Ohhh,it'sover.It'sover.[reachesforthetoiletpapertowipehisassclean]OhGod.[putshisbriefsandpantsbackupinplace]Ifeelsomuchbetter.Oh.[aviewfromwithinthetoilet:

Randyturnsaroundtoflush,butstops,looksdown,andcrouchesdownforabetterlook]Wow...That...ishuge.ThathasgottobethebiggestcrapI'veevertaken.He-...HeySharon.Sharonyougottacomeseethis.Sha-Sharon?

Sharon:

[opensthedoorandenters]Whatisit,Randy?

Doyouhaveany-[looksinthetoilet]OH!

[squeezeshereyesclosedandcovershernosewithherrightarm]Randy!

Randy:

Willyoulookatthat?

Isthatthebiggestcrapyou'veeverseenorwhat?

Sharon:

[aviewfrombehindthetoilet]FlushthetoiletforChrist'ssake!

Randy:

Comeon!

That'sprettyimpressive!

[Stanwandersinfromthehall,andStancallshim]Wha-heyStan!

Stan,lookatthis.[Stanwalksclosertothetoilet]

Sharon:

Randy!

Randy:

[onbendedknewnexttoStan]Lookwhatyouroldmanmade.

Stan:

Noway!

Randy:

Huh?

Neverseenonethatbig,haveyou?

Stan:

No,never.

Shelley:

[wandersin]Gross,Dad,sick!

[turnsaroundquickandleaves]

Sharon:

Allright,willyouflushthetoiletnow?

!

[crossesherarms]

Randy:

[risesandleansovertoflushthetoilet.Stanstepsoutofheway]I'lltry,butIdon'tthink-[standstraightagain]waitwaitwaitwaitaminute.IgottacallJimbofirst.

Sharon:

WHY?

!

Randy:

Wellhe'sgottaseethis.

Sharon:

No,weareflushingthetoiletrightnow-

Randy:

[turnsaroundandblocksanyaccesstothetoilet]NO!

JimbohastoSEEitsowhenItelltheguyshowbigitwas,they'llknowI'mnotlying!

Sharon:

Oh,fortheloveofGod,Randy!

[turnsleftandleaves]

Randy:

Sharon,thisisimportant!

Stan,gocallyourUncleJimbo.I'mgonnastandguard.[spreadshisleftandhunchesdowninadefensiveposition]

[Skeeter'sBarandCocktails,night.It'sopenandthesoundofmenlaughingisheard.Inside,thetown'smenaregatheredforHappyHour.Randyentersthebar]

Randy:

Heyguys!

Gerald:

HeyRandy.

Steven:

Oh,heyRandy.

Stuart:

Areyoufeelin'better?

Randy:

Yeah,I-naw,I'mtotallyfinenow.

Jimbo:

YouguysshouldaseenthecrapRandytooklastnight!

Itwashonestly,thebiggestcrapanyonehasevertaken.Ever.

Randy:

[beingmodest]WellIdon'tknowaboutever...

Randy:

I'mtellin'youthisthingwasthesizeofafreakin'football.

Randy:

[beingmodest]Iguessitwasprettybig.

Stuart:

Afootball?

That'samazing.

Steven:

I'veneverheardofonethatbig.

Gerald:

[chuckles]Oh,mybrothertookacraponce,thatwasenormous.Itwasthebiggestinthehistoryoftheworld,Ithink.[laughs.Theotherguyslaugh,butRandyshutsupandlooksaround]

Randy:

[softly]Itwasn'tbiggerthanminewas.

Gerald:

Ohno,seriously,thiscrapwasamonster!

[laughs.Theotherguysjoinin]

Randy:

[softly]Mine...minewasbigger.

Gerald:

Idoubtit.[snicker]

Randy:

[looksaround]Youwannaseeit?

[Randy'sstudy,later.Randyleadstheothermenintowardsacovereddisplaycase.PresentareJimbo,Gerald,Skeeter,StevenandStuart.RandytakesoffthewrapsandstepsbacksotheotherguyscouldbeholdthegreatnessthatisRandy'scrap.]

Stuart:

OhmyfreakingLord.

Skeeter:

Thatdidnotseriouslycomeoutofyourass.

Randy:

Ohyes,itdid.Goaheadandcheckitforsplits.It'sonesolidpiece.

Gerald:

Jesus...

Stan:

[feelingvindicated]Thatuh,alittlebiggerthanyourbrother'sthere,Gerald?

Gerald:

It's...other-worldly.

Steven:

Randy,haveyoucalledthepeoplefromtheGuinnessBookofWorldRecords?

Imean,thismightseriouslybethebiggestcrapinhistory!

Randy:

[getsoutaspraycanofwater]That'swhyIgottamakesuretokeepitsafe.[spritzesthepoopsoitdoesn'tdryupandcrackapartunderthetwolightsit'sunder]

Sharon:

[atthedoorway]RandyMarsh!

Randy:

[quicklyhideseverythingunderthewraps]Awcrap!

Sharon:

Whatthehelldoyouthinkyou'redoingkeepingthatthinginourhouse?

!

Randy:

Theguysagree,Sharon:

itcouldbearecordholder.

Sharon:

Whyaremensoobsessedwithhowbigtheircrapis?

!

[GuinnessBookofWorldRecords,corporateoffice,day.Inthesecretarypool,asecretarypicksupaphone]

Secretary:

GuinnessWorldRecordsAmerica.HowcanIhelpyou?

[listenswhiletypingwiththerighthand,thenstopsaltogether]Thebiggestcrap?

Weactuallydon'tkeeptrackofthatrecord,sir.[listens]Becausewedon'twantto.[listens]Lllook,wegetcallsfrommenallthetimewhobelievetheytookthebiggestcrap,andwesimplycan'thandleallthemeasuringandverification.[listens]YouneedtocalltheEuropeanFecalStandardsandMeasurementsOfficeinZurich.[listens]You'rewelcome.[hangsupandresumestyping]Jeez,anotherone.[thephoneringsagainandshepicksup]GuinnessWorldRecordsAmerica.

Randy:

[getsthrough.Theotherguysstandbythesofa]Uhhyes,hello.MynameisRandyMarsh,andIbelieveItooktheworld'sbiggestcrap.[holdsathumbsup.Theotherguysdoaswell]

Secretary:

[longsigh,thenflatly]YouneedtocalltheEuropeanFecalStandardsandMeasurementsOfficeinZurich.TheirnumberislistedontheirWebsite.

[EuropeanFecalStandardsandMeasurementsOffice,Zurich,day.Majesticmusicplays.Inside,awomanandseveralmeninjudge'srobeswalkaroundchattingwithotherofficials]

ChubbyOfficial:

[handsamanilaenvelopetoabaldinggray-hairedman]HerrPresident,takealookatthis.[thepresidentopenstheenvelopeandlooksatapicturewithinit]ItisacrapsenttousfromtheUnitedStates.

EFSMPresident:

Veryniiice.[it'sapictureofRandymeasuringthecrapwithameasuringtapeandgrinningatthecamera]Hasitbeencheckedforaccuracy?

ChubbyOfficial:

Itappearstobelegitimate,basedonthephoto.WeestimatethatthecrapisovereightandahalfCourics!

EFSMPresident:

[serious]We'dbettergetonaplane.Rightaway.[smiles]

[Randy'sstudy,somedayslater.ThreerepresentativesoftheEFSMOfficeareinsideinspectingthecrapasRandywatcheson,andsniffingfromtimetotime.]

EFSMPresident:

Hm,enshnusen?

ChubbyOfficial:

Verronsnusunarich

EFSMPresident:

Whatwasyourprimarydietforthispoo,Mr.Marsh?

Randy:

Uhh,mostlyP.F.Chang's.GeneralTsao'sChicken...Ohanduh,andalotofuhAuntJemima'sFrozenSausageBiscuitsinthemorning.

ChubbyOfficial:

IbelieveIdetectsomecabbageaswell?

Randy:

Ohhyes,Ihadalotofkimchee.

Sharon:

[atthedoorway]Youhavegottobekiddingme.

Randy:

[turnsaroundandmarchestowardsher]TheseguysarefromZurich,Sharon!

They'reEuropeans!

[theEFSMPresidentjoinsRandy]

EFSMPresident:

Itisatremendouscrap,Mr.Marsh.

Sharon:

FortheloveofGod!

EFSMPresident:

Yourcrapofficiallyweighs...8.6Courics

Randy:

Courics...

ChubbyOfficial:

Thestandardmeasuringunitforhumanfeces.OneKatieCouricisapproximatelytwoandahalfpoundsofexcrement.

EFSMPresident:

Thecurrentrecordisacrapweighing7