English is a crazy language.docx
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English is a crazy language.docx
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Englishisacrazylanguage
Englishisacrazylanguage
Let'sfaceit--Englishisacrazylanguage.Thereisnoeggineggplantnorhaminhamburger;neitherapplenorpineinpineapple.Englishmuffinsweren'tinventedinEnglandnorFrenchfriesinFrance.Sweetmeatsarecandieswhilesweetbreads,whicharen'tsweet,aremeat.
WetakeEnglishforgranted.Butifweexploreitsparadoxes,wefindthatquicksandcanworkslowly,boxingringsaresquareandaguineapigisneitherfromGuineanorisitapig.
Andwhyitisthatwriterswritebutfingersdon'tfing,grocersdon'tgroceandhammersdon'tham?
Ifthepluraloftoothisteeth,whyisn'tthepluralofboothbeeth?
Ifyouhaveonegoose,twogeese,whynotonemoose,twomeese,oroneindex,twoindices?
Doesn'titseemcrazythatyoucanmakeamendsbutnotoneamend,orthatyoucancombthroughtheannalsofhistorybutnotasingleannal?
Ifyouhaveabunchofoddsandendsandgetridofallbutoneofthem,whatdoyoucallit?
Ifteacherstaught,whydidn'tpreacherspraught?
Ifavegetarianeatsvegetables,whatdoesahumanitarianeat?
Ifyouwrotealetter,perhapsyouboteyourtongue?
SometimesIthinkalltheEnglishspeakersshouldbecommittedtoanasylumfortheverballyinsane.Inwhatotherlanguagedopeoplereciteataplayandplayatarecital;shipbytruckandsendcargobyship;havenosesthatrunandfeetthatsmell;parkondrivewaysanddriveonparkways?
Howcanaslimchanceandafatchancebethesame,whileawisemanandwiseguyareopposites,andquitealotandquiteafewarealike?
Howcantheweatherbehotashellonedayandcoldashellanother?
Haveyounoticedthatwetalkaboutcertainthingsonlywhentheyareabsent?
Haveyoueverseenahorsefullcarriageorastrapfullgown;metasungheroorexperiencedrequitedlove;haveyoueverrunintosomeonewhowascombobulated,gruntled,orpeccable?
AndwhereareallthosepeoplewhoAREspringchickensorwhowouldACTUALLYhurtafly?
Youhavetomarvelattheuniquelunacyofalanguageinwhichyourhousecanburnupasitburnsdown,inwhichyoufillinaformbyfillingitoutandinwhichanalarmclockgoesoffbygoingon.
Englishwasinventedbypeople,notcomputers,anditreflectsthecreativityofthehumanrace(whichofcourse,isn'taraceatall).Thatiswhy,whenthestarsareout,theyarevisible,butwhentheylightsareout,theyareinvisible.Andwhy,whenIwindupmywatch,Istartit,butwhenIwindupthisessay,Iendit?
Here'sanexcerptfromtheopeningchapterinmyCrazyEnglish:
theUltimateJoyRideThroughOurLanguage(PocketBooks,1989).IfyouseethisfloatingaroundtheNetunattributed,pleasesuggesttothewebmasterofthatsitethatthematerialbeproperlycited.
EnglishisaCrazyLanguage(PartI)
July1,1996
Englishisthemostwidelyspokenlanguageinthehistoryofourplanet,usedinsomewaybyatleastoneoutofeverysevenhumanbeingsaroundtheglobe.Halfoftheworld'sbooksarewritteninEnglish,andthemajorityofinternationaltelephonecallsaremadeinEnglish.Englishisthelanguageofoversixtypercentoftheworld'sradioprograms.MorethanseventypercentofinternationalmailiswrittenandaddressedinEnglish,andeightypercentofallcomputertextisstoredinEnglish.Englishhasacquiredthelargestvocabularyofalltheworld'slanguages,perhapsasmanyastwomillionwords,andhasgeneratedoneofthenoblestbodiesofliteratureintheannalsofthehumanrace.
Nonetheless,itisnowtimetofacethefactthatEnglishisacrazylanguage--themostlunaticandloopyandwiftyandwiggyofalllanguages.InthecrazyEnglishlanguage,theblackbirdhenisbrown,blackboardscanbegreenorblue,andblackberriesaregreenandthenredbeforetheyareripe.Evenifblackberrieswerereallyblackandblueberriesreallyblue,whatarestrawberries,cranberries,elderberries,huckleberries,raspberries,andgooseberriessupposedtolooklike?
Toaddtothisinsanitythereisnobutterinbuttermilk,noeggineggplant,nograpeingrapefruit,nobreadinshortbread,neitherwormsnorwoodinwormwood,neithermushnorroominmushroom,neitherpinenorappleinpineapple,neitherpeasnornutsinpeanuts,andnohaminahamburger.(Infact,ifsomebodyinventedasandwichconsistingofahampattyinabun,wewouldhaveahardtimefindinganameforit.)
Tomakemattersworse,Englishmuffinsweren'tinventedinEngland,frenchfriesinFrance,orDanishpastriesinDenmark.Andwediscoverevenmoreculinarymadnessintherelevationsthatsweetmeatismadefromfruit,whilesweetbread,whichisn'tsweet,ismadefrommeat.
InthisunreliableEnglishtongue,greyhoundsaren'talwaysgrey(orgray);pandabearsandkoalabearsaren'tbears(they'remarsupials);awoodchuckisagroundhog,whichisnotahog;ahornedtoadisalizard;glowwormsarefireflies,butfirefliesarenotflies(they'rebeetles);ladybugsandlightningbugsarealsobeetles(andtopropogate,asignificantproportionofladybugsmustbemale);aguineapigisneitherapignorfromGuinea(it'saSouthAmericanrodent);andatitmouseisneithermammalnormammaried.
Languageisliketheairwebreathe.It'sinvisible,inescapable,indispensable,andwetakeitforgranted.But,whenwetakethetimetostepbackandlistentothesoundsthatescapefromtheholesinpeople'sfacesandtoex-ploretheparadoxesandvagariesofEnglish,wefindthathotdogscanbecold,darkroomscanbelit,homeworkcanbedoneinschool,nightmarescantakeplaceinbroaddaylightwhilemorningsicknessanddaydreamingcantakeplaceatnight,tomboysaregirlsandmidwivescanbemen,hours--especiallyhappyhoursandrushhours--oftenlastlongerthansixtyminutes,quick-sandworksveryslowly,boxingringsaresquare,silverwareandglassescanbemadeofplasticandtableclothsofpaper,mosttelephonesaredialedbybeingpunched(orpushed?
),andmostbathroomsdon'thaveanybathsinthem.Infact,adogcangotothebathroomunderatree--nobath,noroom;it'sstillgoingtothebathroom.Anddoesn'titseemalittlebizarrethatwegotothebathroominordertogotothebathroom?
Whyisitthatawomancanmanastationbutasmancan'twomanone,thatamancanfatheramovementbutawomancan'tmotherone,andthatakingrulesakingdombutaqueendoesn'truleaqueendom?
HowdidallthoseRenaissancemenreproducewhentheredon'tseemtohavebeenanyRenaissancewomen?
Awriterissomeonewhowrites,andastingerissomethingthatstings.Butfingersdon'tfing,grocersdon'tgroce,haberdashersdon'thaberdash,hammersdon'tham,andhumdingersdon'thumding.
Ifthepluraloftoothisteeth,shouldn'tthepluralofboothbebeeth?
Onegoose,twogeese--soonemoose,twomeese?
Oneindex,twoindices--oneKleenex,twoKleenices?
Ifpeopleringabelltodayandrangabellyesterday,whydon'twesaythattheyflangaball?
Iftheywrotealetter,perhapstheyalsobotetheirtongue.Iftheteachertaught,whyisn'titalsotruethatthepreacherpraught?
WhyisitthatthesunshoneyesterdaywhileIshinedmyshoes,thatItreadedwaterandthentrodonthebeach,andthatIflewouttoseeaWorldSeriesgameinwhichmyfavoriteplayerfliedout?
Ifweconceiveaconceptionandreceiveatareception,whydon'twegrieveagreptionandbelieveabeleption?
Ifahorsehairmatismadefromthehairofhorsesandacamel'shairbrushfromthehairofcamels,fromwhatisamohaircoatmade?
Ifadultscommitadultery,doinfantscommitinfantry?
Ifoliveoilismadefromolives,whatdotheymakebabyoilfrom?
Ifavegetarianeatsvegetables,whatdoesahumanitarianeat?
(AndI'mbeginningtoworryaboutthoseauthoritarians.)
Andifproandconareopposites,iscongresstheoppositeofprogress?
Here'sPartIIof"EnglishisaCrazyLanguage,"fromCrazyEnglish(PocketBooks,1989).IfyouhappenedtomissPartI,pleaseconsultthearchives.
EnglishisaCrazyLanguage(PartII)
August17,1996
SometimesyouhavetobelievethatallEnglishspeakersshouldbecommittedtoanasylumfortheverballyinsane.Inwhatotherlanguagedopeopledriveinaparkwayandparkinadriveway?
Inwhatotherlanguagedopeoplereciteataplayandplayatarecital?
Inwhatotherlanguagedoprivateseatinthegeneralmessandgeneralseatintheprivatemess?
Inwhatotherlanguagedopeopleshipbytruckandsendcargobyship?
Inwhatotherlanguagecanyournoserunandyourfeetsmell?
Howcanaslimchanceandafatchancebethesameandabadlickingandagoodlickingbethesame,whileawisemanandawiseguyareopposites?
Howcansharpspeechandbluntspeechbethesameandquitealotandquiteafewthesame,whileoverlookandoverseeareopposites?
Howcantheweatherbehotashellonedayandcoldashellthenext?
Howcantheexpressions"What'sgoingon?
"and"What'scomingoff?
"meanexactlythesamething?
!
?
Ifbuttonandunbuttonandtieanduntieareopposites,whyareloosenandunloosenandravelandunravelbesame?
Ifbadistheoppositeofgood,hardtheoppositeofsoft,anduptheoppositeofdown,whyarebadlyandgoodly,hardlyandsofty,anduprightanddownrightnotopposingpairs?
Ifharmlessactionsaretheoppositeofharmfulnonactions,whyareshamefulandshamelessbehaviorthesameandpriceyobjectslessexpensivethanpricelessones.
Ifappropriateandinappropriateremarksandpassableandimpassablemountaintrailsareopposites,whyareflammableandinflammablematerials,heritableandinheritableproperty,andpassiveandimpassivepeoplethesameandvaluableobjectslesstreasuredthaninvaluableones?
Ifupliftisthesameasliftup,whyareup
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