10waystohaveabetterconversation.docx
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10waystohaveabetterconversation.docx
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10waystohaveabetterconversation
10waystohaveabetterconversation
Allright,Iwanttoseeashowofhands:
howmanyofyouhaveunfriendedsomeoneonFacebookbecausetheysaidsomethingoffensiveaboutpoliticsorreligion,childcare,food?
Andhowmanyofyouknowatleastonepersonthatyouavoidbecauseyoujustdon'twanttotalktothem?
Youknow,itusedtobethatinordertohaveapoliteconversation,wejusthadtofollowtheadviceofHenryHigginsin"MyFairLady":
Sticktotheweatherandyourhealth.Butthesedays,withclimatechangeandanti-vaxxing,thosesubjects--arenotsafeeither.Sothisworldthatwelivein,thisworldinwhicheveryconversationhasthepotentialtodevolveintoanargument,whereourpoliticianscan'tspeaktooneanotherandwhereeventhemosttrivialofissueshavesomeonefightingbothpassionatelyforitandagainstit,it'snotnormal.PewResearchdidastudyof10,000Americanadults,andtheyfoundthatatthismoment,wearemorepolarized,wearemoredivided,thanweeverhavebeeninhistory.We'relesslikelytocompromise,whichmeanswe'renotlisteningtoeachother.Andwemakedecisionsaboutwheretolive,whotomarryandevenwhoourfriendsaregoingtobe,basedonwhatwealreadybelieve.Again,thatmeanswe'renotlisteningtoeachother.Aconversationrequiresabalancebetweentalkingandlistening,andsomewherealongtheway,welostthatbalance.
Now,partofthatisduetotechnology.Thesmartphonesthatyoualleitherhaveinyourhandsorcloseenoughthatyoucouldgrabthemreallyquickly.AccordingtoPewResearch,aboutathirdofAmericanteenagerssendmorethanahundredtextsaday.Andmanyofthem,almostmostofthem,aremorelikelytotexttheirfriendsthantheyaretotalktothemfacetoface.There'sthisgreatpieceinTheAtlantic.ItwaswrittenbyahighschoolteachernamedPaulBarnwell.Andhegavehiskidsacommunicationproject.Hewantedtoteachthemhowtospeakonaspecificsubjectwithoutusingnotes.Andhesaidthis:
"Icametorealize..."
"Icametorealizethatconversationalcompetencemightbethesinglemostoverlookedskillwefailtoteach.Kidsspendhourseachdayengagingwithideasandeachotherthroughscreens,butrarelydotheyhaveanopportunitytohonetheirinterpersonalcommunicationsskills.Itmightsoundlikeafunnyquestion,butwehavetoaskourselves:
Isthereany21st-centuryskillmoreimportantthanbeingabletosustaincoherent,confidentconversation?
"
Now,Imakemylivingtalkingtopeople:
NobelPrizewinners,truckdrivers,billionaires,kindergartenteachers,headsofstate,plumbers.ItalktopeoplethatIlike.ItalktopeoplethatIdon'tlike.ItalktosomepeoplethatIdisagreewithdeeplyonapersonallevel.ButIstillhaveagreatconversationwiththem.SoI'dliketospendthenext10minutesorsoteachingyouhowtotalkandhowtolisten.
Manyofyouhavealreadyheardalotofadviceonthis,thingslikelookthepersonintheeye,thinkofinterestingtopicstodiscussinadvance,look,nodandsmiletoshowthatyou'repayingattention,repeatbackwhatyoujustheardorsummarizeit.SoIwantyoutoforgetallofthat.Itiscrap.
Thereisnoreasontolearnhowtoshowyou'repayingattentionifyouareinfactpayingattention.
Now,IactuallyusetheexactsameskillsasaprofessionalinterviewerthatIdoinregularlife.So,I'mgoingtoteachyouhowtointerviewpeople,andthat'sactuallygoingtohelpyoulearnhowtobebetterconversationalists.Learntohaveaconversationwithoutwastingyourtime,withoutgettingbored,and,pleaseGod,withoutoffendinganybody.
We'veallhadreallygreatconversations.We'vehadthembefore.Weknowwhatit'slike.Thekindofconversationwhereyouwalkawayfeelingengagedandinspired,orwhereyoufeellikeyou'vemadearealconnectionoryou'vebeenperfectlyunderstood.Thereisnoreasonwhymostofyourinteractionscan'tbelikethat.
SoIhave10basicrules.I'mgoingtowalkyouthroughallofthem,buthonestly,ifyoujustchooseoneofthemandmasterit,you'llalreadyenjoybetterconversations.
Numberone:
Don'tmultitask.AndIdon'tmeanjustsetdownyourcellphoneoryourtabletoryourcarkeysorwhateverisinyourhand.Imean,bepresent.Beinthatmoment.Don'tthinkaboutyourargumentyouhadwithyourboss.Don'tthinkaboutwhatyou'regoingtohavefordinner.Ifyouwanttogetoutoftheconversation,getoutoftheconversation,butdon'tbehalfinitandhalfoutofit.
Numbertwo:
Don'tpontificate.Ifyouwanttostateyouropinionwithoutanyopportunityforresponseorargumentorpushbackorgrowth,writeablog.
Now,there'sareallygoodreasonwhyIdon'tallowpunditsonmyshow:
Becausethey'rereallyboring.Ifthey'reconservative,they'regoingtohateObamaandfoodstampsandabortion.Ifthey'reliberal,they'regoingtohatebigbanksandoilcorporationsandDickCheney.Totallypredictable.Andyoudon'twanttobelikethat.Youneedtoentereveryconversationassumingthatyouhavesomethingtolearn.ThefamedtherapistM.ScottPecksaidthattruelisteningrequiresasettingasideofoneself.Andsometimesthatmeanssettingasideyourpersonalopinion.Hesaidthatsensingthisacceptance,thespeakerwillbecomelessandlessvulnerableandmoreandmorelikelytoopenuptheinnerrecessesofhisorhermindtothelistener.Again,assumethatyouhavesomethingtolearn.
BillNye:
"Everyoneyouwillevermeetknowssomethingthatyoudon't."Iputitthisway:
Everybodyisanexpertinsomething.
Numberthree:
Useopen-endedquestions.Inthiscase,takeacuefromjournalists.Startyourquestionswithwho,what,when,where,whyorhow.Ifyouputinacomplicatedquestion,you'regoingtogetasimpleanswerout.IfIask
you,"Wereyouterrified?
"you'regoingtorespondtothemostpowerfulwordinthatsentence,whichis"terrified,"andtheansweris"Yes,Iwas"or"No,Iwasn't.""Wereyouangry?
""Yes,Iwasveryangry."Letthemdescribeit.They'retheonesthatknow.Tryaskingthemthingslike,"Whatwasthatlike?
""Howdidthatfeel?
"Becausethentheymighthavetostopforamomentandthinkaboutit,andyou'regoingtogetamuchmoreinterestingresponse.
Numberfour:
Gowiththeflow.Thatmeansthoughtswillcomeintoyourmindandyouneedtoletthemgooutofyourmind.We'veheardinterviewsofteninwhichaguestistalkingforseveralminutesandthenthehostcomesbackinandasksaquestionwhichseemslikeitcomesoutofnowhere,orit'salreadybeenanswered.Thatmeansthehostprobablystoppedlisteningtwominutesagobecausehethoughtofthisreallycleverquestion,andhewasjustboundanddeterminedtosaythat.Andwedotheexactsamething.We'resittingtherehavingaconversationwithsomeone,andthenwerememberthattimethatwemetHughJackmaninacoffeeshop.
Andwestoplistening.Storiesandideasaregoingtocometoyou.Youneedtoletthemcomeandletthemgo.
Numberfive:
Ifyoudon'tknow,saythatyoudon'tknow.Now,peopleontheradio,especiallyonNPR,aremuchmoreawarethatthey'regoingontherecord,andsothey'remorecarefulaboutwhattheyclaimtobeanexpertinandwhattheyclaimtoknowforsure.Dothat.Erronthesideofcaution.Talkshouldnotbecheap.
Numbersix:
Don'tequateyourexperiencewiththeirs.Ifthey'retalkingabouthavinglostafamilymember,don'tstarttalkingaboutthetimeyoulostafamilymember.Ifthey'retalkingaboutthetroublethey'rehavingatwork,don'ttellthemabouthowmuchyouhateyourjob.It'snotthesame.Itisneverthesame.Allexperiencesareindividual.And,moreimportantly,itisnotaboutyou.Youdon'tneedtotakethatmomenttoprovehowamazingyouareorhowmuchyou'vesuffered.SomebodyaskedStephenHawkingoncewhathisIQwas,andhesaid,"Ihavenoidea.PeoplewhobragabouttheirIQsarelosers."
Conversationsarenotapromotionalopportunity.
Numberseven:
Trynottorepeatyourself.It'scondescending,andit'sreallyboring,andwetendtodoitalot.Especiallyinworkconversationsorinconversationswithourkids,wehaveapointtomake,sowejustkeeprephrasingitoverandover.Don'tdothat.
Numbereight:
Stayoutoftheweeds.Frankly,peopledon'tcareabouttheyears,thenames,thedates,allthosedetailsthatyou'restrugglingtocomeupwithinyourmind.Theydon'tcare.Whattheycareaboutisyou.Theycareaboutwhatyou'relike,whatyouhaveincommon.Soforgetthedetails.Leavethemout.
Numbernine:
Thisisnotthelastone,butitisthemostimportantone.Listen.Icannottellyouhowmanyreallyimportantpeoplehavesaidthatlisteningisperhapsthemost,thenumberonemostimportantskillthatyoucoulddevelop.Buddhasaid,andI'mparaphrasing,"Ifyourmouthisopen,you'renotlearning."AndCalvinCoolidgesaid,"Nomaneverlistenedhiswayoutofajob."
Whydowenotlistentoeachother?
Numberone,we'drathertalk.WhenI'mtalking,I'mincontrol.Idon'thavetohearanythingI'mnotinterestedin.I'mthecenterofattention.Icanbolstermyownidentity.Butthere'sanotherreason:
Wegetdistracted.Theaveragepersontalksatabout225wordperminute,butwecanlistenatupto500wordsperminute.Soourmindsarefillinginthoseother275words.Andlook,Iknow,ittakeseffortandenergytoactuallypayattentiontosomeone,butifyoucan'tdothat,you'renotinaconversation.You'rejusttwopeopleshoutingoutbarelyrelatedsentencesinthesameplace.
Youhavetolistentooneanother.StephenCoveysaiditverybeautifully.Hesaid,"Mostofusdon'tlistenwiththeintenttounderstand.Welistenwiththeintenttoreply."
Onemorerule,number10,and
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