Augustus Does His BitWord文件下载.docx
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Augustus Does His BitWord文件下载.docx
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thetheatre,nothing,asfarasIknow,cameofmydramatic
reductionofhimtoabsurdity.Generals,admirals,Prime
MinistersandControllers,nottomentionEmperors,Kaisersand
Tsars,werescrappedremorselesslyathomeandabroad,fortheir
sinsorservices,asthecasemightbe.ButAugustusstoodlike
theEddystoneinastorm,andstandssotothisday.Hegaveus
hiswordthathewasindispensableandwetookit.
AugustusDoesHisBitwasperformedforthefirsttimeat
theCourtTheatreinLondonbytheStageSocietyonthe
21stJanuary,1917,withLallaVanderveldeasTheLady,F.
B.J.SharpasLordAugustusHighcastle,andCharlesRockas
HoratioFloydBeamish.
AUGUSTUSDOESHISBIT
TheMayor'
sparlorintheTownHallofLittlePifflington.Lord
AugustusHighcastle,adistinguishedmemberofthegoverning
class,intheuniformofacolonel,andverywellpreservedat
forty-five,iscomfortablyseatedatawriting-tablewithhis
heelsonit,readingTheMorningPost.Thedoorfaceshim,a
littletohisleft,attheothersideoftheroom.Thewindowis
behindhim.Inthefireplace,agasstove.Onthetableabell
buttonandatelephone.PortraitsofpastMayors,inrobesand
goldchains,adornthewalls.Anelderlyclerkwithashortwhite
beardandwhiskers,andaveryrednose,shufflesin.
AUGUSTUS[hastilyputtingasidehispaperandreplacinghisfeet
onthefloor].Hullo!
Whoareyou?
THECLERK.Thestaff[aslightimpedimentinhisspeechaddsto
theimpressionofincompetenceproducedbyhisageand
appearance].
AUGUSTUS.Youthestaff!
Whatdoyoumean,man?
THECLERK.WhatIsay.Thereain'
tanybodyelse.
AUGUSTUS.Tush!
Wherearetheothers?
THECLERK.Atthefront.
AUGUSTUS.Quiteright.Mostproper.Whyaren'
tyouatthefront?
THECLERK.Overage.Fifty-seven.
AUGUSTUS.Butyoucanstilldoyourbit.Manyanoldermanisin
theG.R.'
s,orvolunteeringforhomedefence.
THECLERK.Ihavevolunteered.
AUGUSTUS.Thenwhyareyounotinuniform?
THECLERK.Theysaidtheywouldn'
thavemeifIwasgivenaway
withapoundoftea.Toldmetogohomeandnotbeanoldsilly.
[Asenseofunbearablewrong,tillnowonlysmoulderinginhim,
burstsintoflame.]YoungBillKnight,thatItookwithme,got
twoandsevenpence.Igotnothing.Isitjustice?
Thiscountryis
goingtothedogs,ifyouaskme.
AUGUSTUS[risingindignantly].Idonotaskyou,sir;
andIwill
notallowyoutosaysuchthingsinmypresence.Ourstatesmen
arethegreatestknowntohistory.Ourgeneralsareinvincible.
Ourarmyistheadmirationoftheworld.[Furiously.]Howdare
youtellmethatthecountryisgoingtothedogs!
THECLERK.WhydidtheygiveyoungBillKnighttwoand
sevenpence,andnotgivemeevenmytramfare?
Doyoucallthat
beinggreatstatesmen?
Asgoodasrobbingme,Icallit.
AUGUSTUS.That'
senough.Leavetheroom.[Hesitsdownandtakes
uphispen,settlinghimselftowork.Theclerkshufflestothe
door.Augustusadds,withcoldpoliteness]SendmetheSecretary.
THECLERK.I'
MtheSecretary.Ican'
tleavetheroomandsend
myselftoyouatthesametime,canI?
AUGUSTUS,Don'
tbeinsolent.WhereisthegentlemanIhavebeen
correspondingwith:
MrHoratioFloydBeamish?
THECLERK[returningandbowing].Here.Me.
AUGUSTUS.You!
Ridiculous.Whatrighthaveyoutocallyourself
byapretentiousnameofthatsort?
THECLERK.YoumaydroptheHoratioFloyd.Beamishisgoodenough
forme.
AUGUSTUS.Istherenobodyelsetotakemyinstructions?
THECLERK.It'
smeornobody.AndfortwopinsI'
dchuckit.
Don'
tyoudrivemetoofar.Oldunslikemeisupintheworld
now.
AUGUSTUS.Ifwewerenotatwar,Ishoulddischargeyouonthe
spotfordisrespectfulbehavior.ButEnglandisindanger;
andI
cannotthinkofmypersonaldignityatsuchamoment.[Shouting
athim.]Don'
tyouthinkofyours,either,wormthatyouare;
or
I'
llhaveyouarrestedundertheDefenceoftheRealmAct,double
quick.
THECLERK.WhatdoIcareabouttherealm?
Theydonemeoutof
twoandseven--
AUGUSTUS.Oh,damnyourtwoandseven!
Didyoureceivemy
letters?
THECLERK.Yes.
AUGUSTUS.Iaddressedameetingherelastnight--wentstraightto
theplatformfromthetrain.IwrotetoyouthatIshouldexpect
youtobepresentandreportyourself.Whydidyounotdoso?
THECLERK.Thepolicewouldn'
tletmeontheplatform.
AUGUSTUS.Didyoutellthemwhoyouwere?
THECLERK.TheyknewwhoIwas.That'
swhytheywouldn'
tletme
up.
AUGUSTUS.Thisistoosillyforanything.Thistownwantswaking
up.ImadethebestrecruitingspeechIevermadeinmylife;
and
notamanjoined.
THECLERK.Whatdidyouexpect?
Youtoldthemourgallantfellows
isfallingattherateofathousandadayinthebigpush.Dying
forLittlePifflington,yousays.Comeandtaketheirplaces,you
says.Thatain'
tthewaytorecruit.
AUGUSTUS.ButIexpresslytoldthemtheirwidowswouldhave
pensions.
THECLERK.Iheardyou.Wouldhavebeenallrightifithadbeen
thewidowsyouwantedtogetround.
AUGUSTUS[risingangrily].Thistownisinhabitedbydastards.I
sayitwithafullsenseofresponsibility,DASTARDS!
Theycall
themselvesEnglishmen;
andtheyareafraidtofight.
THECLERK.Afraidtofight!
YoushouldseethemonaSaturday
night.
AUGUSTUS.Yes,theyfightoneanother;
buttheywon'
tfightthe
Germans.
THECLERK.Theygotgrudgesagainoneanother:
howcantheyhave
grudgesagaintheHunsthattheyneversaw?
They'
veno
imagination:
that'
swhatitis.BringtheHunshere;
andthey'
ll
quarrelwiththemfastenough.
AUGUSTUS[returningtohisseatwithagruntofdisgust].Mf!
They'
llhavethemhereifthey'
renotcareful.[Seated.]Haveyou
carriedoutmyordersaboutthewarsaving?
AUGUSTUS.Theallowanceofpetrolhasbeenreducedbythree
quarters?
THECLERK.Ithas.
AUGUSTUS.Andyouhavetoldthemotor-carpeopletocomehereand
arrangetostartmunitionworknowthattheirmotorbusinessis
stopped?
THECLERK.Itain'
tstopped.They'
rebusierthanever.
AUGUSTUS.Busyatwhat?
THECLERK.Makingsmallcars.
AUGUSTUS.NEWcars!
THECLERK.Theoldcarsonlydotwelvemilestothegallon.
Everybodyhastohaveacarthatwilldothirty-fivenow.
AUGUSTUS.Can'
ttheytakethetrain?
THECLERK.Thereain'
tnotrainsnow.They'
vetoreuptherails
andsentthemtothefront.
AUGUSTUS.Psha!
THECLERK.Well,wehavetogetaboutsomehow.
AUGUSTUS.Thisisperfectlymonstrous.NotintheleastwhatI
intended.
THECLERK.Hell--
AUGUSTUS.Sir!
THECLERK[explaining].Hell,theysays,ispavedwithgood
intentions.
AUGUSTUS[springingtohisfeet].Doyoumeantoinsinuatethat
hellispavedwithMYgoodintentions--withthegoodintentions
ofHisMajesty'
sGovernment?
THECLERK.Idon'
tmeantoinsinuateanythinguntiltheDefence
oftheRealmActisrepealed.Itain'
tsafe.
AUGUSTUS.Theytoldmethatthistownhadsetanexampletoall
Englandinthematterofeconomy.Icamedownheretopromisethe
Mayoraknighthoodforhisexertions.
THECLERK.TheMayor!
WheredoIcomein?
AUGUSTUS.Youdon'
tcomein.Yougoout.Thisisafoolofa
place.I'
mgreatlydisappointed.Deeplydisappointed.[Flinging
himselfbackintohischair.]Disgusted.
THECLERK.Whatmorecanwedo?
We'
veshutupeverything.The
picturegalleryisshut.Themuseumisshut.Thetheatresand
pictureshowsisshut:
Ihaven'
tseenamoviepictureforsix
months.
AUGUSTUS.Man,man:
doyouwanttoseepictureshowswhentheHun
isatthegate?
THECLERK[mournfully].Idon'
tnow,thoughitdroveme
melancholymadatfirst.Iwasonthepointoftakingapennorth
ofratpoison--
AUGUSTUS.Whydidn'
tyou?
THECLERK.Becauseafriendadvisedmetotaketodrinkinstead.
Thatsavedmylife,thoughitmakesmeverypoorcompanyinthe
mornings,as[hiccuping]perhapsyou'
venoticed.
AUGUSTUS.Well,uponmysoul!
Youarenotashamedtostandthere
andconfessyourselfadisgustingdrunkard.
THECLERK.Well,whatofit?
reatwarnow;
andeverything'
s
changed.Besides,IshouldlosemyjobhereifIstooddrinking
atthebar.I'
marespectablemanandmustbuymydrinkandtake
ithomewithme.Andtheywon'
tservemewithlessthanaquart.
Ifyou'
dtoldmebeforethewarthatIcouldgetthroughaquart
ofwhiskyinaday,Ishouldn'
thavebelievedyou.That'
sthe
goodofwar:
itbringsoutpowersinamanthathenever
suspectedhimselfcapableof.Yousa
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