美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南文档格式.docx
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美国著名脱口秀主持人柯南文档格式.docx
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Graduates,faculty,parents,relatives,undergraduates,andoldpeoplethatjustcometothesethings:
GoodmorningandcongratulationstotheDartmouthClassof2011.Today,youhaveachievedsomethingspecial,somethingonly92percentofAmericansyouragewilleverknow:
acollegediploma.That’sright,withyourcollegediplomayounowhaveacrushingadvantageover8percentoftheworkforce.I'
mtalkingaboutdropoutloserslikeBillGates,SteveJobs,andMarkZuckerberg.Incidentally,speakingofMr.Zuckerberg,onlyatHarvardwouldsomeonehavetoinventamassivesocialnetworkjusttotalkwithsomeoneinthenextroom.
Myfirstjobasyourcommencementspeakeristoillustratethatlifeisnotfair.Forexample,youhaveworkedtirelesslyforfouryearstoearnthediplomayou’llbereceivingthisweekend.
Thatwasgreat.
AndDartmouthisgivingmethesamedegreeforinterviewingthefourthleadinTwilight.Dealwithit.Anotherexamplethatlifeisnotfair:
ifitdoesrain,thepowerfulrichpeopleonstagegetthetent.Dealwithit.
IwouldliketothankPresidentKimforinvitingmeheretoday.AftermyphonecallwithPresidentKim,Idecidedtofindoutalittlebitabouttheman.HegoesbyPresidentKimandDr.Kim.Tohisfriends,he'
sJimKim,JtotheK,SpecialK,JKRowling,theJustKiddingKimster,andmostpuzzling,"
StinkyPete."
HeservedasthechairoftheDepartmentofGlobalHealthandSocialMedicineatHarvardMedicalSchool,spearheadedataskforcefortheWorldHealthOrganizationonGlobalHealthInitiatives,wonaMacArthurGeniusGrant,andwasoneofTIMEMagazine'
s100MostInfluentialPeoplein2006.GoodGod,man,whatthehellareyoucompensatingfor?
Seriously.Wegetit.You'
resmart.BythewayDr.Kim,youwerebroughttoDartmouthtolead,andasaworld-classanthropologist,youwerealsohiredtofigureoutwhyeachofthesegraduatingstudentsranaroundabonfire111times.
ButIthankyouforinvitingmehere,StinkyPete,anditisanhonor.Thoughsomeofyoumayseemeasacelebrity,youshouldknowthatIoncesatwhereyousit.Literally.LatelastnightIsnuckouthereandsatineveryseat.Ididittoproveapoint:
IamnotbrightandIhavealotoffreetime.
ButthisisawonderfuloccasionanditisgreattobehereinNewHampshire,whereIamgettinganhonorarydegreeandallthelegalfireworksIcanfitinthetrunkofmycar.
Youknow,NewHampshireissuchaspecialplace.WhenIarrivedItookadeepbreathofthiscrispNewEnglandairandthought,"
Wow,I'
minthestatethat'
snexttothestatewhereBenandJerry'
sicecreamismade."
Butdon'
tgetmewrong,Itakemytasktodayveryseriously.WhenIgotthecalltwomonthsagotobeyourspeaker,Idecidedtopreparewiththesameintensitymanyofyouhavedevotedtoanimportanttermpaper.Solatelastnight,Ibegan.IdranktwocansofRedBull,snortedsomeAdderall,playedafewhoursofCallofDuty,andthenopenedmybrowser.IthinkWikipediaputitbestwhentheysaid"
DartmouthCollegeisaprivateIvyLeagueUniversityinHanover,NewHampshire,UnitedStates."
Thankyouandgoodluck.
Tocommunicatewithyoustudentstoday,Ihavegonetogreatlengthstobecomewell-versedinyouruniquelinguisticpatterns.Infact,justthismorningIleftBakerBerrywithmytripeeBarrytoeataBillyBobattheBemawhenmyflitztoFrancescawasBlitzjackedbysomed-bagonhisFSP.
Yes,I'
vedonemyresearch.ThiscollegewasnamedaftertheSecondEarlofDartmouth,agoodfriendoftheThirdEarlofUCSantaCruzandtheDukeoftheBarbizonSchoolofBeauty.Yourschoolmottois"
Voxclamantisindeserto,"
whichmeans"
Voicecryingoutinthewilderness."
ThisiseasilythemostpatheticschoolmottoIhaveeverheard.Apparently,itnarrowlybeatout"
SilentlyWeepinginThickShrub"
and"
WhimperinginMoistLeaveswithoutPants."
Yourschoolcolorisgreen,andthiscolorwaschosenbyFrederickMatherin1867because,andthisistrue—Ilookeditup—"
itwastheonlycolorthathadnotbeentakenalready."
Icannotrememberhearinganythingsosad.Dartmouth,youhaveaninferioritycomplex,andyoushouldnot.YouhavegraduatedmoregreatfictitiousAmericansthananyothercollege.MeredithGreyofGrey'
sAnatomy.PeteCampbellfromMadMen.MichaelCorleonefromTheGodfather.Infact,Ilookforwardtonextyears'
ValedictoryAddressbyyouresteemedclassmate,CountChocula.Ofcourse,yourgreatestfictitiousgraduateisTreasurySecretaryTimothyGeithner.Man,canyouimagineifarealTreasurySecretarymadethosekindsofdecisions?
Hahahahahahahahahahaha.NowIknowwhatyou'
regoingtosay,Dartmouth,you'
regoingtosay,well"
We'
vegotDr.Seuss."
Wellguesswhat,we'
realltiredofhearingaboutDr.Seuss.Faceit:
Themanrhymedfafloozlewithsaznoozle.Intheliterarycommunity,that'
scalledcheating.
Yourinsecurityissogreat,Dartmouth,thatyoudon'
teventhinkyoudeservearealpodium.I'
msorry.Whatthehellisthisthing?
ItlookslikeyoustoleitfromthesetofSurvivor:
NovaScotia.Seriously,itlookslikesomethingabearwoulduseatanAAmeeting.
No,Dartmouth,youmuststandtall.Raiseyourheadshighandfeelproud.
BecauseifHarvard,Yale,andPrincetonareyourself-involved,vain,name-droppingolderbrothers,youarethecool,sexuallyconfident,lacrosseplayingyoungersiblingwhoknowshowtothrowapartyandlooksgoodinadownvest.Brown,ofcourse,isyourlesbiansisterwhoneverleavesherroom.AndPenn,Columbia,andCornell—well,frankly,whogivesashit.
vealwayshadaspecialbondwiththisschool.Infact,thisismysecondtimecominghere.WhenIwas17yearsoldandtouringcolleges,waybackinthefallof1980,IcametoDartmouth.Dartmouthwasaverydifferentplacebackthen.ImadethetripupfromBostononamuleand,afteraskingtheblacksmithinWestLebfordirections,Icametothisbeautifulcampus.Nodormitorieshadbeenbuiltyet,soIstayedwithafamilyoffurtradersinWhiteRiverJunction.ItsnowedheavilyduringmyvisitandIwastrappedhereforfourmonths.Iwasforcedtoeatthemule,whoaweekearlierhadbeenforcedtoeatthefurtraders.Still,IlovedDartmouthandIvowedtoreturn.
Butfatedealtaheavyblow.Withnomoney,Iwasforcedtoenrollinasmall,localcommuterschool,apulsatingsoreonamuddyelbowoftheCharlesRiver.Iwasamiserablewretch,andtothisdayIcannothelpbutwonder:
WhatifIhadgonetoDartmouth?
IfIhadgonetoDartmouth,ImighthavespentatleastsomeofmycollegeyearsoutsideandtodayImightnotbeallergictoallplantlife,aswellasmosttypesofrock.
IfIhadgonetoDartmouth,rightnowI'
dbewearingafleecethonginsteadofalacethong.
IfIhadgonetoDartmouth,Istillwouldn'
tknowthesecondverseto"
DearOldDartmouth."
Faceit,noneofyoudo.Youallmumblethatpart.
IfIhadgonetoDartmouth,I'
dhavealiverthesizeandconsistencyofabeanbagchair.
Finally,ifIhadgonetoDartmouth,todayI'
dbegettinganhonorarydegreeatHarvard.Imaginehowawesomethatwouldbe.
Youareagreatschool,andyoudeserveahistoriccommencementaddress.That'
sright,Iwantmymessagetodaytobeforeverrememberedbecauseitchangedtheworld.Todothis,Imustsuggestgroundbreakingpolicy.WinstonChurchillgavehisfamous"
IronCurtain"
speechatWestminsterCollegein1946.JFKoutlinedhisnucleardisarmamentpolicyatAmericanUniversityin1963.Today,IwouldliketosetforthmyownpolicyhereatDartmouth:
Icallit"
TheConanDoctrine."
Under"
TheConanDoctrine"
:
-Allbachelordegreeswillbeupgradedtomaster'
sdegrees.Allmaster'
sdegreeswillbeupgradedtoPhDs.AndallMBAstudentswillbeimmediatelytransferredtoawhitecollarprison.
-Under"
TheConanDoctrine,"
WinterCarnivalwillbecomeWinterCarnivaleandbemovedtoRio.Clothingwillbeoptional,allexpensespaidbytheAlumniAssociation.
-Yournickname,theBigGreen,willbechangedtosomethingmorekick-asslike"
TheJadeBlade,"
the"
SeafoamAvenger,"
orsimply"
Lime-Zilla."
-TheD-Planand"
quartersystem"
willfinallybeupdatedto"
theonesixty-fourthsystem."
Semesterswilllastthreedays.Studentswillbeencouragedtotake48semestersoff.Theymust,however,beoncampusduringtheirSophomore4thofJuly.
Iwillre-instateTubestock.AndIwillpunishthosewhotriedtoreplaceitwithFieldstock.Raftingandbeerareamuchbettercombinationthanafieldandabeer.Ihappentoknowthatintwoyears,theyweregoingtodowngradeFieldstocktoDeskstock,sevenhoursoffunsittingquietlyatyourdesk.Don'
tletthosebastardsdoit.
Andfinally,under"
allcommencementspeakerswhoshamelesslypanderwithcheap,insidereferencesdesignedtogetchildishapplause,willbeforcedtoapologize—tothegreatestgraduatingclassinthehistoryoftheworld.Dartmouthclassof2011rules!
Besidespolicy,anotherhallmarkofgreatcommencementspeechesisdeep,profoundadvicelike"
reachforthestars."
Welltoday,Iamnotgoingtowasteyourtimewithemptycliché
s.Instead,Iamgoingtogiveyoureal
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