Joke of EnglishWord格式文档下载.docx

Joke of EnglishWord格式文档下载.docx

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"

ThankGod,"

hisdatereplied."

Ifyourshadn'

t,minewouldhavehadto."

Note:

BlindDate:

从未晤面的男女经第三者安排所作的约会

ALetterfromMom:

DearSon,

mwritingthisslow,causeIknowyoucan'

treadfast.Wedon'

tlivewherewedidwhenyoufirstleft.YourDadreadinthepaperthatmostaccidentshappenwithin20milesofhome,sowemoved.Iwon'

tbeabletosendyoutheaddressasthelastfamilyheretookthenumberswiththemfortheirnexthouse,sotheywouldn'

thavetochangetheiraddress.Thisplacehasawashingmachine.ThefirstdayIputfourshirtsin,pulledthechain,andIhaven'

tseenemsince.Itonlyrainedtwicethisweek,threedaysthefirsttimeandfourdaysthistime.Thecoatyouwantedmetosendyou,yourAuntSuesaiditwouldbealittletooheavytosendinthemailwiththeheavybuttons,sowecutthemoffandputtheminthepockets.

About,yoursister,shehadababythismorning.Ihaven'

tfoundoutwhetherit'

sagirloraboy,soIdon'

tknowifyouareanAuntoranUncle.Notmuchmorenewsthistime,writesoon.

Love,Mom

P.S.Wasgoingtosendyoumoney,buttheenvelopewasalreadysealed.

MotherMouse:

Amothermousewasoutforastrollwithherbabieswhenshespottedacatcrouchedbehindabush.Shewatchedthecat,andthecatwatchedthemice.

Mothermousebarkedfiercely,"

Woof,woof,woof!

Thecatwassoterrifiedthatitranforit'

slife.

Mothermouseturnedtoherbabiesandsaid,"

Now,doyouunderstandthevalueofasecondlanguage?

TheRescue:

Amanhadfallenbetweentherailsinasubwaystation.Peoplewereallcrowdingaroundtryingtogethimoutbeforethetrainranhimover.Theywereallshouting.

Givemeyourhand!

butthemanwouldnotreachup.MullaNasrudinelbowedhiswaythroughthecrowdandleanedovertheman."

Friend,"

heasked,"

whatisyourprofession?

Iamanincometaxinspector,"

gaspedtheman.

Inthatcase,"

saidNasrudin,"

takemyhand!

ThemanimmediatelygraspedtheMulla'

shandandwashauledtosafety.

Nasrudinturnedtotheamazedby-standersanddeclared,"

Neveraskataxmanto*give*youanything,youfools!

Department-storeautomaticansweringmachine:

Ifyouarecallingtoorderorsendmoney,press5."

Ifyouarecallingtoregisteracomplaint,press64-59834822955392."

Haveagoodday."

Psychiatrist'

sSecretary:

Inmyoffice,Ijustcan'

twin!

lamentedthepsychiatrist'

ssecretary.

IfIcometoworkearly,I'

manxious.IfI'

montime,I'

mcompulsive.IfI'

mlate,I'

mhostile..."

TheOrganization:

Theorganizationislikeatreefullofmonkeys,allondifferentlimbsatdifferentlevels,someclimbingup.

Themonkeysontoplookdownandseeatreefullofsmilingfaces.Themonkeysonthebottomlookupandseenothingbutassholes.

ComputerHumor:

Iaskedmydadwherebabiescomefrom.HesaysyoudownloadthemfromtheInternet."

Wheneversomethinggoeswrong,IjustpushthislittleResetbuttonandrestart.Iwishmywholelifewaslikethat!

PayDay:

Abuildingcontractorwasbeingpaidbytheweekforajobthatwaslikelytostretchoverseveralmonths.Heapproachedtheownerofthepropertyandheldupthecheckhe'

dbeengiven."

Thisistwohundreddollarslessthanweagreedon,"

hesaid.

Iknow,"

theownersaid,"

ButlastweekIoverpaidyoutwohundreddollars,andyounevercomplained."

Thecontractorsaid,"

Well,Idon'

tmindanoccasionalmistake.Butwhenitgetstobeahabit,IfeelIhavetocallittoyourattention."

Pig:

Amanwassuedbyawomanfordefamationofcharacter.Shechargedthathehadcalledherapig.Themanwasfoundguiltyandfined.

Afterthetrialheaskedthejudge,"

ThismeansthatIcannotcallMrs.Johnsonapig?

Thejudgesaidthatwastrue.

DoesthismeanIcannotcallapigMrs.Johnson?

themanasked.

ThejudgerepliedthathecouldindeedcallapigMrs.Johnsonwithnofearoflegalaction.

ThemanlookeddirectlyatMrs.Johnsonandsaid,"

Goodafternoon,Mrs.Johnson."

SomeMilitaryJokes

Awoman,marriedtoaNavyPilot,inquiredaboutanincreaseintheirmonthlyallotmentforlivingquarters,becauserentsneartheStationwherehewasbasedweresohigh.Shereceivedthefollowingletterback:

ClassQallotmentsarebaseduponthenumberofdependents,uptoamaximumofthree.Ifthebirthofachildwillmeanyourhusbandisentitledtomorequartersallowance,notifyhimtotakethenecessaryaction."

Forthoseofyouneverinthemilitary,itseemsallbranchestrytoreduceany/allsituationstowriting.AccordingtotheUSNavy,"

Classifiedmaterialshallbeconsideredlostwhenitcannotbelocated."

AgroupofUSNavyofficers,assignedasanadvisorygroupinTaiwan,weresearchingforanamefortheirnewofficer'

sclub.

Theyfinallysettledon"

TAI-WAN-ON"

.

Onpatrol,theOfficeroftheDeckaskedthestarboardlookoutwhathewoulddoifamanfelloverboard.

Iwouldshout'

Manoverboard'

."

thesailorreplied.

TheODthenaskedwhathewoulddoifanofficerfelloverboard.

Thesailorpausedandthought,thensaid,"

WhichoneSir?

AratheroldminesweeperwascruisingalonelystretchoftheSouthPacificandwasovertakenbyanewAustraliancruiser.AlltheUSsailorsadmiredthenewshipandtheCaptainsentablinker-lightmessagetotheAussies:

"

Youarebeautiful."

Lessthan10secondslater,theAussieshipblinkeredback:

llbetyousaythattoalltheships."

Submittedby:

TweetyBird@

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HeavyBoots

About6-7yearsago,IwasinaphilosophyclassattheUniversityofWisconsin,Madison（goodscience/engineeringschool）andtheteachingassistantwasexplainingDescartes.Hewastryingtoshowhowthingsdon'

talwayshappenthewaywethinktheywillandexplainedthat,whileapenalwaysfallswhenyoudropitonEarth,itwouldjustfloatawayifyouletgoofitontheMoon.

Myjawdroppedalittle.Iblurted"

What?

!

Lookingaroundtheroom,IsawthatonlymyfriendMarkandoneotherstudentlookedconfusedbytheTA'

sstatement.Theother17peoplejustlookedatmelike"

What'

syourproblem?

ButapenwouldfallifyoudroppeditontheMoon,justmoreslowly."

Iprotested.

Noitwouldn'

t."

theTAexplainedcalmly,"

becauseyou'

retoofarawayfromtheEarth'

sgravity."

Think.Think.Aha!

YousawtheAPOLLOastronautswalkingaroundontheMoon,didn'

tyou?

Icountered,"

whydidn'

ttheyfloataway?

Becausetheywerewearingheavyboots."

heresponded,asifthismadeperfectsense（remember,thisisaPhilosophyTAwho'

shadplentyoflogicclasses）.

BythenIrealizedthatwewereeachlivingintotallydifferentworlds,anddidnotspeakeachotherslanguage,soIgaveup.Aswelefttheroom,myfriendMarkwasraging."

MyGod!

Howcanallthosepeoplebesostupid?

Itriedtobeunderstanding."

Mark,theyknewthisstuffatonetime,butit'

snotpartoftheirbasicviewoftheworld,sothey'

veforgottenit.Mostpeoplecouldprobablymakethesamemistake."

Toprovemypoint,wewentbacktoourdormroomandbeganrandomlyselectingnamesfromthecampusphonebook.Wecalledabout30peopleandaskedeachthisquestion:

1.Ifyou'

restandingontheMoonholdingapen,andyouletgo,willita）floataway,b）floatwhereitis,orc）falltotheground?

About47percentgotthisquestioncorrect.Oftheoneswhogotitwrong,weaskedtheobviousfollow-upquestion:

2.You'

veseenfilmsoftheAPOLLOastronautswalkingaroundontheMoon,whydidn'

ttheyfalloff?

About20percentofthepeoplechangedtheiranswertothefirstquestionwhentheyheardthisone!

Butthemostamazingpartwasthatabouthalfofthemconfidentlyanswered,"

CarKeys

Whenmyhusbandand