IStandHereIroningWord下载.docx
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IStandHereIroningWord下载.docx
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sayoungsterwhoneedshelpandwhomI'
mdeeplyinterestedin
helping."
"
Whoneedshelp."
--EvenifIcame,whatgoodwoulditdo?
YouthinkbecauseIamher
motherIhaveakey,orthatinsomewayyoucouldusemeasakey?
Shehaslivedfornineteen
years.Thereisallthatlifethathashappenedoutsideofme,beyondme.
Andwhenistheretimetoremember,tosift,toweigh,toestimate,tototal?
IwillstartandtherewillbeaninterruptionandIwillhavetogatheritalltogetheragain.OrIwillbecome
engulfedwithallIdidordidnotdo,withwhatshouldhavebeenandwhatcannotbehelped.
Shewasabeautifulbaby.Thefirstandonlyoneofourfivethatwasbeautifulatbirth.Youdonotguesshownewanduneasyhertenancyinhernow--loveliness.Youdidnotknowherall
thoseyearsshewasthoughthomely,orseeherporingoverherbabypictures,makingmetellheroverandoverhowbeautifulshehadbeen--andwouldbe,Iwouldtellher--andwasnow,to
theseeingeye.Buttheseeingeyeswerefewornon-existent.Includingmine.
Inursedher.Theyfeelthat'
simportantnowadays.Inursedallthechildren,butwithher,withallthefiercerigidityoffirstmotherhood,Ididlikethebooksthensaid.Thoughhercriesbatteredmetotremblingandmybreastsachedwithswollenness,Iwaitedtilltheclockdecreed.
WhydoIputthatfirst?
Idonotevenknowifitmatters,orifitexplainsanything.
Shewasabeautifulbaby.Sheblewshiningbubblesofsound.Shelovedmotion,lovedlight,
lovedcolorandmusicandtextures.Shewouldlieonthefloorinherblueoverallspattingthesurfacesohardinecstasyherhandsandfeetwouldblur.Shewasamiracletome,butwhenshewaseightmonthsoldIhadtoleaveherdaytimeswiththewomandownstairstowhomshewas
nomiracleatall,forIworkedorlookedforworkandforEmily'
sfather,who"
couldnolongerendure"
(hewroteinhisgoodbyenote)"
sharingwantwithus.
Iwasnineteen.Itwasthepre-relief,pre-WPAworldofthedepression.Iwouldstartrunning
assoonasIgotoffthestreetcar,runningupthestairs,theplacesmellingsour,andawakeorasleeptostartleawake,whenshesawmeshewouldbreakintoacloggedweepingthatcouldnotbecomforted,aweepingIcanhearyet.
AfterawhileIfoundajobhashingatnightsoIcouldbewithherdays,anditwasbetter.ButitcametowhereIhadtobringhertohisfamilyandleaveher.
Ittookalongtimetoraisethemoneyforherfareback.ThenshegotchickenpoxandIhadto
waitlonger.Whenshefinallycame,Ihardlyknewher,walkingquickandnervouslikeherfather,lookinglikeherfather,thin,anddressedinashoddyredthatyellowedherskinandglaredatthepockmarks.Allthebabylovelinessgone.
Shewastwo.Oldenoughfornurseryschooltheysaid,andIdidnotknowthenwhatIknownow--thefatigueofthelongday,andthelacerationsofgrouplifeinthekindsofnurseriesthat
areonlyparkingplacesforchildren.
ExceptthatitwouldhavemadenodifferenceifIhadknown.Itwastheonlyplacetherewas.Itwastheonlywaywecouldbetogether,theonlywayIcouldholdajob.
Andevenwithoutknowing,Iknew.Iknewtheteacherthatwasevilbecausealltheseyearsithascurdledintomymemory,thelittleboyhunchedinthecorner,herrasp,"
whyaren'
tyououtside,becauseAlvinhitsyou?
that'
snoreason,goout,scaredy."
IknewEmilyhateditevenifshedidnotclutchandimplore"
don'
tgoMommy"
liketheotherchildren,mornings.
Shealwayshadareasonwhyweshouldstayhome.Momma,youlooksick,Momma,Ifeelsick.Momma,theteachersaren'
ttheretoday,they'
resick.Momma,wecan'
tgo,therewasafiretherelastnight.Momma,it'
saholidaytoday,noschool,theytoldme.
Butneveradirectprotest,neverrebellion.Ithinkofourothersintheirthree,four-year-
oldness--theexplosions,thetempers,thedenunciations,thedemands--andIfeelsuddenlyill.I
puttheirondown.Whatinmedemandedthatgoodnessinher?
Andwhatwasthecost,thecost
toherofsuchgoodness?
Theoldmanlivinginthebackoncesaidinhisgentleway:
"
YoushouldsmileatEmilymorewhenyoulookather."
WhatwasinmyfacewhenIlookedather?
Ilovedher.Therewerealltheactsoflove.
ItwasonlywiththeothersIrememberedwhathesaid,anditwasthefaceofjoy,andnotofcareortightnessorworryIturnedtothem--toolateforEmily.Shedoesnotsmileeasily,let
alonealmostalwaysasherbrothersandsistersdo.Herfaceisclosedandsombre,butwhenshe
wants,howfluid.Youmusthaves
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