Love is a Fallacy.docx
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Love is a Fallacy.docx
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LoveisaFallacy
LoveisaFallacy
byMaxShulman
CoolwasIandlogical.Keen,calculating,perspicacious,acuteandastute—Iwasallofthese.Mybrainwasaspowerfulasadynamo,preciseasachemist’sscales,aspenetratingasascalpel.And—thinkofit!
—Iamonlyeighteen.
Itisnotoftenthatonesoyounghassuchagiantintellect.Take,forexample,PeteyBellows,myroommateattheuniversity.Sameage,samebackground,butdumbasanox.Aniceenoughfellow,youunderstand,butnothingupstairs.Emotionaltype.Unstable.Impressionable.Worstofall,afaddist.Fads,Isubmit,aretheverynegationofreason.Tobesweptupineverynewcrazethatcomesalong,tosurrenderoneselftoidiocyjustbecauseeverybodyelseisdoingit—this,tome,istheacmeofmindlessness.Not,however,toPetey.
OneafternoonIfoundPeteylyingonhisbedwithanexpressionofsuchdistressonhisfacethatIimmediatelydiagnosedappendicitis.“Don’tmove,”Isaid,“Don’ttakealaxative.I’llgetadoctor.”
“Raccoon,”hemumbledthickly.
“Raccoon?
”Isaid,pausinginmyflight.
“Iwantaraccooncoat,”hewailed.
Iperceivedthathistroublewasnotphysical,butmental.“Whydoyouwantaraccooncoat?
”
“Ishouldhaveknownit,”hecried,poundinghistemples.“Ishouldhaveknownthey’dcomebackwhentheCharlestoncameback.LikeafoolIspentallmymoneyfortextbooks,andnowIcan’tgetaraccooncoat.”
“Canyoumean,”Isaidincredulously,“thatpeopleareactuallywearingraccooncoatsagain?
”
“AlltheBigMenonCampusarewearingthem.Where’veyoubeen?
”
“Inthelibrary,”Isaid,namingaplacenotfrequentedbyBigMenonCampus.
Heleapedfromthebedandpacedtheroom.“I’vegottohavearaccooncoat,”hesaidpassionately.“I’vegotto!
”
“Petey,why?
Lookatitrationally.Raccooncoatsareunsanitary.Theyshed.Theysmellbad.Theyweightoomuch.They’reunsightly.They—”
“Youdon’tunderstand,”heinterruptedimpatiently.“It’sthethingtodo.Don’tyouwanttobeintheswim?
”
“No,”Isaidtruthfully.
“Well,Ido,”hedeclared.“I’dgiveanythingforaraccooncoat.Anything!
”
Mybrain,thatprecisioninstrument,slippedintohighgear.“Anything?
”Iasked,lookingathimnarrowly.
“Anything,”heaffirmedinringingtones.
Istrokedmychinthoughtfully.ItsohappenedthatIknewwheretogetmyhandsonaraccooncoat.Myfatherhadhadoneinhisundergraduatedays;itlaynowinatrunkintheatticbackhome.ItalsohappenedthatPeteyhadsomethingIwanted.Hedidn’thaveitexactly,butatleasthehadfirstrightsonit.Irefertohisgirl,PollyEspy.
IhadlongcovetedPollyEspy.Letmeemphasizethatmydesireforthisyoungwomanwasnotemotionalinnature.Shewas,tobesure,agirlwhoexcitedtheemotions,butIwasnotonetoletmyheartrulemyhead.IwantedPollyforashrewdlycalculated,entirelycerebralreason.
Iwasafreshmaninlawschool.InafewyearsIwouldbeoutinpractice.Iwaswellawareoftheimportanceoftherightkindofwifeinfurtheringalawyer’scareer.ThesuccessfullawyersIhadobservedwere,almostwithoutexception,marriedtobeautiful,gracious,intelligentwomen.Withoneomission,Pollyfittedthesespecificationsperfectly.
Beautifulshewas.Shewasnotyetofpin-upproportions,butIfeltthattimewouldsupplythelack.Shealreadyhadthemakings.
Graciousshewas.BygraciousImeanfullofgraces.Shehadanerectnessofcarriage,aneaseofbearing,apoisethatclearlyindicatedthebestofbreeding.Attablehermannerswereexquisite.IhadseenherattheKozyKampusKornereatingthespecialtyofthehouse—asandwichthatcontainedscrapsofpotroast,gravy,choppednuts,andadipperofsauerkraut—withoutevengettingherfingersmoist.
Intelligentshewasnot.Infact,sheveeredintheoppositedirection.ButIbelievedthatundermyguidanceshewouldsmartenup.Atanyrate,itwasworthatry.Itis,afterall,easiertomakeabeautifuldumbgirlsmartthantomakeanuglysmartgirlbeautiful.
“Petey,”Isaid,“areyouinlovewithPollyEspy?
”
“Ithinkshe’sakeenkid,”hereplied,“butIdon’tknowifyou’dcallitlove.Why?
”
“Doyou,”Iasked,“haveanykindofformalarrangementwithher?
Imeanareyougoingsteadyoranythinglikethat?
”
“No.Weseeeachotherquiteabit,butwebothhaveotherdates.Why?
”
“Isthere,”Iasked,“anyothermanforwhomshehasaparticularfondness?
”
“NotthatIknowof.Why?
”
Inoddedwithsatisfaction.“Inotherwords,ifyouwereoutofthepicture,thefieldwouldbeopen.Isthatright?
”
“Iguessso.Whatareyougettingat?
”
“Nothing,nothing,”Isaidinnocently,andtookmysuitcaseoutthecloset.
“Whereareyougoing?
”askedPetey.
“Homeforweekend.”Ithrewafewthingsintothebag.
“Listen,”hesaid,clutchingmyarmeagerly,“whileyou’rehome,youcouldn’tgetsomemoneyfromyouroldman,couldyou,andlendittomesoIcanbuyaraccooncoat?
”
“Imaydobetterthanthat,”Isaidwithamysteriouswinkandclosedmybagandleft.
“Look,”IsaidtoPeteywhenIgotbackMondaymorning.Ithrewopenthesuitcaseandrevealedthehuge,hairy,gamyobjectthatmyfatherhadworninhisStutzBearcatin1925.
“HolyToledo!
”saidPeteyreverently.Heplungedhishandsintotheraccooncoatandthenhisface.“HolyToledo!
”herepeatedfifteenortwentytimes.
“Wouldyoulikeit?
”Iasked.
“Ohyes!
”hecried,clutchingthegreasypelttohim.Thenacannylookcameintohiseyes.“Whatdoyouwantforit?
”
“Yourgirl.”Isaid,mincingnowords.
“Polly?
”hesaidinahorrifiedwhisper.“YouwantPolly?
”
“That’sright.”
Heflungthecoatfromhim.“Never,”hesaidstoutly.
Ishrugged.“Okay.Ifyoudon’twanttobeintheswim,Iguessit’syourbusiness.”
Isatdowninachairandpretendedtoreadabook,butoutofthecornerofmyeyeIkeptwatchingPetey.Hewasatornman.Firsthelookedatthecoatwiththeexpressionofawaifatabakerywindow.Thenheturnedawayandsethisjawresolutely.Thenhelookedbackatthecoat,withevenmorelonginginhisface.Thenheturnedaway,butwithnotsomuchresolutionthistime.Backandforthhisheadswiveled,desirewaxing,resolutionwaning.Finallyhedidn’tturnawayatall;hejuststoodandstaredwithmadlustatthecoat.
“Itisn’tasthoughIwasinlovewithPolly,”hesaidthickly.“Orgoingsteadyoranythinglikethat.”
“That’sright,”Imurmured.
“What’sPollytome,ormetoPolly?
”
“Notathing,”saidI.
“It’sjustbeenacasualkick—justafewlaughs,that’sall.”
“Tryonthecoat,”saidI.
Hecomplied.Thecoatbunchedhighoverhisearsanddroppedallthewaydowntohisshoetops.Helookedlikeamoundofdeadraccoons.“Fitsfine,”hesaidhappily.
Irosefrommychair.“Isitadeal?
”Iasked,extendingmyhand.
Heswallowed.“It’sadeal,”hesaidandshookmyhand.
IhadmyfirstdatewithPollythefollowingevening.Thiswasinthenatureofasurvey;IwantedtofindoutjusthowmuchworkIhadtodotogetherminduptothestandardIrequired.Itookherfirsttodinner.“Gee,thatwasadelishdinner,”shesaidaswelefttherestaurant.ThenItookhertoamovie.“Gee,thatwasamarvymovie,”shesaidasweleftthetheatre.AndthenItookherhome.“Gee,Ihadasensayshtime,”shesaidasshebademegoodnight.
Iwentbacktomyroomwithaheavyheart.Ihadgravelyunderestimatedthesizeofmytask.Thisgirl’slackofinformationwasterrifying.Norwoulditbeenoughmerelytosupplyherwithinformation.Firstshehadtobetaughttothink.Thisloomedasaprojectofnosmalldimensions,andatfirstIwastemptedtogiveherbacktoPetey.ButthenIgottothinkingaboutherabundantphysicalcharmsandaboutthewaysheenteredaroomandthewayshehandledaknifeandfork,andIdecidedtomakeaneffort.
Iwentaboutit,asinallthings,systematically.Igaveheracourseinlogic.IthappenedthatI,asalawstudent,wastakingacourseinlogicmyself,soIhadallthefactsatmyfingertips.“Poll’,”IsaidtoherwhenIpickedheruponournextdate,“tonightwearegoingovertotheKnollandtalk.”
“Oo,terrif,”shereplied.OnethingIwillsayforthisgirl:
youwouldgofartofindanothersoagreeable.
WewenttotheKnoll,thecampustrystingplace,andwesatdownunderanoldoak,andshelookedatmeexpectantly.“Whatarewegoingtotalkabout?
”sheasked.
“Logic.”
Shethoughtthisoverforaminuteanddecidedshelikedit.“Magnif,”shesaid.
“Logic,”Isaid,clearingmythroat,“isthescienceofthinking.Beforewecanthinkcorrectly,wemustfirstlearntorecognizethecommonfallaciesoflogic.Thesewewilltakeuptonight.”
“Wow-dow!
”shecried,clappingherhandsdelightedly.
Iwinced,butwentbravelyon.“FirstletusexaminethefallacycalledDictoSimpliciter.”
“Byallmeans,”sheurged,battingherlasheseagerly.
“DictoSimplicitermeansanargumentbasedonanunqualifiedgeneralization.Forexample:
Exerciseisgood.Thereforeeverybodyshouldexercise.”
“Iagree,”saidPollyearnestly.“Imeanexerciseiswonderful.Imeanitbuildsthebodyandeverything.”
“Polly,”Isaidgently,“theargumentisafallacy.Exerciseisgoodisanunqualifiedgeneralization.Forinstance,ifyouhaveheartdisease,exerciseisbad,notgood.Manypeopleareorderedbytheirdoctorsnottoexercise.Youmustqualifythegeneralization.Youmustsayexerciseisusuallygood,orexerciseisgoodformostpeople.OtherwiseyouhavecommittedaDictoSimpliciter.Doyousee?
”
“No,”sheconfessed.“Butthisismarvy.Domore!
Domore!
”
“Itwillbebetterifyoustoptuggingatmysleeve,”Itoldher,andwhenshedesisted,Icontinued.“NextwetakeupafallacycalledHastyGeneralization.Listencarefully:
Youcan’tspeakFrench.PeteyB
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