The family is a place in which children learn toParenting and Childrens Development.docx
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The family is a place in which children learn toParenting and Childrens Development.docx
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ThefamilyisaplaceinwhichchildrenlearntoParentingandChildrensDevelopment
ThefamilyisaplaceinwhichchildrenlearntoParentingandChildren’sDevelopment
Thefamilyisaplaceinwhichchildrenlearntointerpretreality.Parentsserveassignificantinterpretersforchildrenofinformationabouttheworldandchildren‘sabilities.Theyarechildren’sfirstteachers.Parentswanttheirchildrentogrowintosociallymatureindividuals,andtheymayfeelfrustratedintryingtodiscoverthebestwaytoaccomplishthisdevelopment.
Parentingstylesarebroadpatternsofchildrearingpractices,values,andbehaviors.AccordingtoDianaBaumrind,fourtypesofparentingstylesareindulgent(moreresponsivethandemanding),authoritarian(highlydemandinganddirectivebutnotresponsive),authoritative(bothdemandingandresponsive),andindulgent(lowinresponsivenessanddemandingness)
Childrenfromauthoritarianfamilyareoftenaggressive,fearful,andanxious,theyoftenhaveweakcommunicationskills.Childrenassociatedwithauthoritativeparenting,arehappy,cheerful,self-controlledandcopewithstress.Childrenfromindulgentfamilyareaggressive,spoiled,andnoncompliant,theyhavedifficultiesinpeerrelations.Childrenassociatedwithneglectfulparentingarelackofself-control,socialincompetenceanddelinquency.
Children’semotionsareoftenaffectedbyparenting.Parentsarekids’firstimportantteachers.AccordingtoJohnGottman,“Parentsarekids’emotioncoachers,andtheyteachtheirkidsstrategiestodealwithlife’supsanddowns.EvenmorethanIQ,emotionalawarenessandabilitytohandlefeelingswilldetermineone’ssuccessandhappinessinallwalksoflife,includingfamilyrelationships”(P20-21). Soit’sveryimportanttousegoodparentingathome.Authoritativeparentingsisthebestparentingstyle,becauseitisgoodforchildren’semotiondevelopment,andbecauseauthoritativeparentsacknowledgetheirchildren’sfeelingsandacceptthemunconditionally,theycansetacceptablestandards,andtheyhelptopromotechildren’sindependence.
Authoritativeparentscanunderstandtheirchildren’sfeelingandteachthemhowtoregulatethem.Theyoftenhelpthemtofindappropriateoutletstosolveproblems.JohnGottmansaid,“Theydon’tignoreordenytheirkids’feelings.Nordotheybelittleorridiculetheirchildrenforemotionalexpression”(P38).Theyhaveknowledgeoftheirchildren’sfeeling.Forexample,mysonfeltverysadandworriedwhenheheardhisbestfriendwouldmovetoanothercity.Hetalkedtomeaboutthat:
“Mybestfriendwillmovenextmonth.WhomcanIplaywith?
”Iunderstoodhisfeeling,andsaid,“I’msorrytohearthat.Don’tworry.Hisnewhomeisnotfarfromhere.Wecanvisithimandhecancomebacktovisitus.Also,youcanmakeanothergoodfriend.Youwillfacelotsofseparationinyourlife.Youshouldbestrong.”Ialsotoldhimaboutmysadness.Aftertalking,hefeltbetterandbegantoknowhowtohandlethiskindofsituation. Authoritativeparentshaveastrongawarenessoftheirownemotionsandthoseoftheirlovedone.JohnGottmanbelieves,“Theycanseevalueintheirchildren’snegativeemotions;theyhavemorepatiencewhentheirchildrenareangry,sad,orfearful.”(P40).Authoritativeparentsareconcernedabouttheirkids.Theyseemtobewillingtospendtimewithacryingorfretfulchild,listeningtotheirworries,empathizingwiththem,lettingthemwenttheiranger,orjustcryitout.Theyareresponsibleparents.
Authoritativeparentsprovideawarmandfriendlyfamilyclimate.Thereisgoodcommunicationbetweenparentsandchildreninauthoritativefamily.Goodcommunicationhelpschildrenandparentstodevelopconfidence,feelingsofself-worth,andgoodrelationshipswithothers.Oneofourmostimportantresponsibilitiesasparentsistolistentoourchildren,hearingnotonlytheirwords,butalsothefeelingsbehindtheirwords.Whenparentstalktothechildren,theymustshowgreatrespectfortheirchildren’sfeelings.Theymustfeelwhattheirchildrenarefeeling.Ginottbelieved:
“Statementsofunderstandingshouldprecedestatementsofadvice”(P44).Hediscouragedparentsfromtellingchildrenwhattheyoughttofeel,becausethatsimplymakeschildrendistrusttheirfeelings.Hesaidkid’semotionsdonotdisappearwhenparentssay,“Don’tfeelthatway,”Hebelievedthatwhilenotallbehaviorisacceptable,allfeelingsandwishesareacceptable.Therefore,parentsshouldsetlimitsonacts,butnotemotionsanddesires,becausecommunicationaboutemotionscanserveasawayforparentstoteachtheirchildrenvalues.
Authoritativeparentsalsoexpectmature,promoteindependenceandappropriatebehaviorofchildren.Theyteachchildrentocalmdownandfocusattention.Whentheycalmdown,theycanconcentrateinfindingwaystosolvetheproblems.Psychologistssaypeopleareveryeasytolosecontrolwhentheygetmad,soitisveryeasytodowrongthing.Forexample,mysonistenyearsold.Heisveryeasytogetmadorexcited.Whenhegetsmad,Idon’tblamehim.IknowIhavetocalmdownsothatIcanteachhimtodoso.Ialwaystellhimslowlyandtenderly:
“Canyoutellmewhat’sgoingon?
MaybeIcanhelpyou.Don’tworry.Mumisherewithyou.Letmehelpyoutofindagoodway.”SometimesIteachhimtodosomeexercisetorelax.Iteachhimtododeepbreathwhenheismad.Afterdeepandslowinhalationandbreathingforfivetosixtimes,hefeelspeacefulandrelaxes.
Itreallyworks.Learningtocalmdownandfocusattentionbecomeincreasinglyimportantasthechildrenmature.Learningtobecalmalsohelpsthechildtoconcentrateinlearningsituationsandtofocusontheachievementofspecifictasks.And,asachildgrows,it’sextremelyhelpfulforlearninghowtosharetoys.Thisskillcanmakeabigdifferenceinachild’sabilitytoenternewplaygroups,makenewfriends,andhandlerejectionwhenpeersturnaway.
Althoughsomepeoplethinkauthoritarianparentingisassociatedwithschoolsuccess,childrenfromthiskindfamilyareoftenaggressive,fearful,andanxiousandhaveweakcommunicationskills,becauseparentshavetoomanyrestrictive,punitivedisciplinesfortheirchildrentofollow.Theyarealsorejectingtochildren. Myparentsusedauthoritarianparentinginmyfamily.Therearethreechildreninmyfamily.Mymotherusedthesamestyletousall.Idon’tthinkitisbestforparentsorcaretakerstousethesamestyle,becausedifferentfamilieshavedifferentchildren,eveninthesamefamily,childrenaredifferentfromeachother.It’sbetterforthemtouseeclecticparentingstyle.Wedidn’tlikeauthoritarianparenting,becausewehadnoanyopportunitytotellourfeelingorargue.Whatwecoulddois“shutup”and“followmywords.”AccordingtoJohnGottman,“Familylifeisourfirstschoolforemotionallearning”(P20).It’strue.Allofushavedevelopedintodifficultemotionalpersons.Bothofmybrothersareoverfortynow. Theyarereallyaggressive.Theyhaveproblemsincommunicationskillsandfailtoinitiateactivity.Theyalsostillusethesameparentingtoeducatetheirchildrennow.Especiallymysecondelderbrother,hisfamilyhaslotsofproblemsjustbecauseofhistemper.Heoftenjellstohischildrenandfightwithhiswife.Iamtimid,fearfulandhaveweakcommunicationskill,too.Iamafraidtoexpressmyopinioninpublic.weareadultsnow,wearealllackofconfidence.Wearestillundertheshadowofthiskindofparentingandhaveinfluencetoourkids.AccordingtoGoleman,familieswithauthoritarianparents“seemunabletofunctionwelleitherbecausetheycannotsetguidelines,orbecausetheydonotpursueintereststhatinvolveplacesandpersonsoutsidethefamily"(P39).Thismakesitmoredifficultforchildrentodevelopself-knowledgeanddifferentiatetheirowncareergoalsfromtheirparents‘goals.
Goodparentingcanhelpparentstomakegoodemotionalkidsandhaveahappyfamily.Theauthoritativestylebalancesclear,highexpectationswithemotionalsupportandrecognitionofchildren‘sautonomy.Childrenassociatedwiththiskindoffamilyarehappy,cheerful,self-controlledandcopewithstress.Theyhavefewerbehaviorproblems,andarebetterabletobouncebackfromdistressingexperiences.Childrencandobetterintermsofacademicachievement,health,andpeerrelationships.Gottmanbelieves“thechildrenwholearntoacknowledgeandmastertheiremotionsaremoreself-confidentaswellasphysicallyhealthier.Theyalsodobetterinschoolandaremorelikelytogrowintoemotionallyhealthyadults”(50).
Pleaseuseauthoritativeparentingathome.Itisvery goodforyourchildren’smotionaldevelopment.
Bibliography:
Santrock,JohnLife–SpanPsychology
Ginott,HaimBetweenParentandChild
Goleman,DianielEmotionalIntelligence
Gottman,HohnandDanielGolemanTheHeartofParentingIntelligentChild
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