Babes In The Jungle.docx
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Babes In The Jungle.docx
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BabesInTheJungle
BabesInTheJungle
MontagueSilver,thefineststreetmanandartgrafterintheWest,saystomeonceinLittleRock:
"Ifyoueverloseyourmind,Billy,andgettoooldtodohonestswindlingamonggrownmen,gotoNewYork.IntheWestasuckerisborneveryminute;butinNewYorktheyappearinchunksofroe-youcan'tcount'em!
"
TwoyearsafterwardIfoundthatIcouldn'trememberthenamesoftheRussianadmirals,andInoticedsomegrayhairsovermyleftear;soIknewthetimehadarrivedformetotakeSilver'sadvice.
IstruckNewYorkaboutnoononeday,andtookawalkupBroadway.AndIrunagainstSilverhimself,allencompassedupinaspaciouskindofhaberdashery,leaningagainstahotelandrubbingthehalf-moonsonhisnailswithasilkhandkerchief.
"Paresisorsuperannuated?
"Iaskshim.
"Hello,Billy,"saysSilver;"I'mgladtoseeyou.Yes,itseemedtomethattheWestwasaccumulatingalittletoomuchwiseness.I'vebeensavingNewYorkfordessert.Iknowit'salow-downtricktotakethingsfromthesepeople.Theyonlyknowthisandthatandpasstoandfroandthinkeverandanon.I'dhateformymothertoknowIwasskinningtheseweak-mindedones.Sheraisedmebetter."
"Isthereacrushalreadyinthewaitingroomsoftheolddoctorthatdoesskingrafting?
"Iasks.
"Well,no,"saysSilver;"youneedn'tbackEpidermistowintoday.I'veonlybeenhereamonth.ButI'mreadytobegin;andthemembersofWillieManhattan'sSundaySchoolclass,eachofwhomhasvolunteeredtocontributeaportionofcuticletowardthisrehabilitation,mayaswellsendtheirphotostotheEveningDaily.
"I'vebeenstudyingthetown,"saysSilver,"andreadingthepaperseveryday,andIknowitaswellasthecatintheCityHallknowsanO'Sullivan.Peoplehereliedownonthefloorandscreamandkickwhenyouaretheleastbitslowabouttakingmoneyfromthem.ComeupinmyroomandI'lltellyou.We'llworkthetowntogether,Billy,forthesakeofoldtimes."
Silvertakesmeupinahotel.Hehasaquantityofirrelevantobjectslyingabout.
"There'smorewaysofgettingmoneyfromthesemetropolitanhayseeds,"saysSilver,"thanthereisofcookingriceinCharleston,S.C.They'llbiteatanything.Thebrainsofmostof'emcommute.Thewisertheyareinintelligencethelessperceptionofcognizancetheyhave.Why,didin'tamantheotherdaysellJ.P.MorgananoilportraitofRockefeller,Jr.,forAndreadelSarto'scelebratedpaintingoftheyoungSaintJohn!
"Youseethatbundleofprintedstuffinthecorner,Billy?
That'sgoldminingstock.Istartedoutonedaytosellthat,butIquititintwohours.Why?
Gotarrestedforblockingthestreet.Peoplefoughttobuyit.Isoldthepolicemanablockofitonthewaytothestation-house,andthenItookitoffthemarket.Idon'twantpeopletogivemetheirmoney.Iwantsomelittleconsiderationconnectedwiththetransactiontokeepmypridefrombeinghurt.Iwant'emtoguessthemissingletterinChic-go,ordrawtoapairofninesbeforetheypaymeacentofmoney.
"Nowthere'sanotherlittleschemethatworkedsoeasyIhadtoquitit.Youseethatbottleofblueinkonthetable?
Itattooedananchoronthebackofmyhandandwenttoabankandtold'emIwasAdmiralDewey'snephew.Theyofferedtocashmydraftonhimforathousand,butIdidn'tknowmyuncle'sfirstname.Itshows,though,whataneasytownitis.Asforburglars,theywon'tgoinahousenowunlessthere'sahotsupperreadyandafewcollegestudentstowaiton'em.They'resluggingcitizensallovertheupperpartofthecityandIguess,takingthetownfromendtoend,it'saplaincaseofassaultandBattery."
"Monty,"saysI,whenSilverhadslacked,up,"youmayhaveManhattancorrectlydiscriminatedinyourperorative,butIdoubtit.I'veonlybeenintowntwohours,butitdon'tdawnuponmethatit'sourswithacherryinit.Thereain'tenoughrusinurbeaboutittosuitme.I'dbeagooddealmuchbettersatisfiedifthecitizenshadastrawormoreintheirhair,andrunmoretovelveteenvestsandbuckeyewatchcharms.Theydon'tlookeasytome."
"You'vegotit,Billy,"saysSilver."Allemigrantshaveit.NewYork'sbiggerthanLittleRockorEurope,anditfrightensaforeigner.You'llbeallright.ItellyouIfeellikeslappingthepeopleherebecausetheydon'tsendmealltheirmoneyinlaundrybaskets,withgermicidesprinkledoverit.Ihatetogodownonthestreettogetit.Whowearsthediamondsinthistown?
Why,Winnie,theWiretapper'swife,andBella,theBuncosteerer'sbride.NewYorkerscanbeworkedeasierthanablueroseonatidy.TheonlythingthatbothersmeisIknowI'llbreakthecigarsinmyvestpocketwhenIgetmyclothesallfulloftwenties."
"Ihopeyouareright,Monty,"saysI;"butIwishallthesameIhadbeensatisfiedwithasmallbusinessinLittleRock.Thecropoffarmersisneversoshortouttherebutwhatyoucangetafewof'emtosignapetitionforanewpostofficethatyoucandiscountfor$200atthecountybank.Thepeoplehearappeartopossessinstinctsofself-preservationandilliberality.Ifearmethatwearenotculturedenoughtotacklethisgame."
"Don'tworry,"saysSilver."I'vegotthisJayville-near-TarrytowncorrectlyestimatedassureasNorthRiveristheHudsonandEastRiverain'tariver.Why,therearepeoplelivinginfourblocksofBroadwaywhoneversawanykindofabuildingexceptaskyscraperintheirlives!
Agood,livehustlingWesternmanoughttogetconspicuousenoughhereinsideofthreemonthstoincureitherJerome'sclemencyorLawson'sdispleasure."
"Hyperboleaside,"saysI,"doyouknowofanyimmediatesystemofbuncoingthecommunityoutofadollarortwoexceptbyapplyingtotheSalvationArmyorhavingafitonMissHelenGould'sdoorsteps?
"
"Dozensof'em,"saysSilver."Howmuchcapitalhaveyougot,Billy?
"
"Athousand,"Itoldhim.
"I'vegot$1,200,"sayshe."We'llpoolanddoabigpieceofbusiness.There'ssomanywayswecanmakeamillionthatIdon'tknowhowtobegin."
ThenextmorningSilvermeetsmeatthehotelandheisallsonorousandstirredwithakindofsilentjoy.
"We'retomeetJ.P.Morganthisafternoon,"sayshe."AmanIknowinthehotelwantstointroduceus.He'safriendofhis.HesayshelikestomeetpeoplefromtheWest."
"Thatsoundsniceandplausible,"saysI."I'dliketoknowMr.Morgan."
"Itwon'thurtusabit,"saysSilver,"togetacquaintedwithafewfinancekings.IkindoflikethesocialwayNewYorkhaswithstrangers."
ThemanSilverknewwasnamedKlein.Atthreeo'clockKleinbroughthisWallStreetfriendtoseeusinSilver'sroom."Mr.Morgan"lookedsomelikehispictures,andhehadaTurkishtowelwrappedaroundhisleftfoot,andhewalkedwithacane.
"Mr.SilverandMr.Pescud,"saysKlein."Itsoundssuperfluous,"sayshe,"tomentionthenameofthegreatestfinancial-"
"Cutitout,Klein,"saysMr.Morgan."I'mgladtoknowyougents;ItakegreatinterestintheWest.Kleintellsmeyou'refromLittleRock.IthinkI'vearailroadortwoouttheresomewhere.IfeitherofyouguyswouldliketodealahandortwoofstudpokerI-"
"Now,Pierpont,"cutsinKlein,"youforget!
"
"Excuseme,gents!
"saysMorgan;"sinceI'vehadthegoutsobadIsometimesplayasocialgameofcardsatmyhouse.NeitherofyouneverknewOne-eyedPeters,didyou,whileyouwasaroundLittleRock?
HelivedinSeattle,NewMexico."
Beforewecouldanswer,Mr.Morganhammersonthefloorwithhiscanandbeginstowalkupanddown,swearinginaloudtoneofvoice.
"Theyhavebeenpoundingyourstocksto-dayontheStreet,Pierpont?
"asksKlein,smiling.
"Stocks!
No!
"roarsMr.Morgan."It'sthatpictureIsentanagenttoEuropetobuy.Ijustthoughtaboutit.Hecabledmeto-daythatitain'ttobefoundinallItaly.I'dpay$50,000to-morrowforthatpicture-yes,$75,000.Igivetheagentalacarteinpurchasingit.IcannotunderstandwhytheartgallerieswillallowaDeVinchyto-"
"Why,Mr.Morgan,"saysklein;"IthoughtyouownedalloftheDeVinchypaintings."
"Whatisthepicturelike,Mr.Morgan?
"asksSilver."ItmustbeasbigasthesideoftheFlatironBuilding."
"I'mafraidyourarteducationisonthebum,Mr.Silver,"saysMorgan."Thepictureis27inchesby42;anditiscalled'Love'sIdleHour.'Itrepresentsanumberofcloakmodelsdoingthetwo-steponthebankofapurpleriver.Thecablegramsaiditmighthavebeenbroughttothiscountry.Mycollectionwillneverbecompletewithoutthatpicture.Well,solong,gents;usfinanciersmustkeepearlyhours."
Mr.MorganandKleinwentawaytogetherinacab.MeandSilvertalkedabouthowsimpleandunsuspectinggreatpeoplewas;andSilversaidwhatashameitwouldbetotrytorobamanlikeMr.Morgan;andIsaidIthoughtitwouldberatherimprudent,myself.Kleinproposesastrollafterdinner;andmeandhimandSilverwalksdowntowardSeventhAvenuetoseethesights.Kleinseesapairofcufflinksthatinstigatehisadmirationinapawnshopwindow,andweallgoinwhilehebuys'em.
AfterwegotbacktothehotelandKleinhadgone,Silverjumpsatmeandwaveshishands.
"Didyouseeit?
"sayshe."Didyouseeit,Billy?
"
"What?
"Iasks.
"Why,thatpicturethatMorganwants.It'shanginginthatpawnshop,behindthedesk.Ididn'tsayanythingbecauseKleinwasthere.It'sthearticlesureasyoulive.
Thegirlsareasnaturalaspaintcanmakethem,allmeasuring36and25and42skirts,iftheyhadanyskirts,andthey'redoingabuck-and-wingonthebankofariverwiththeblues.WhatdidMr.Morgansayhe'dgiveforit?
Oh,don'tmakemetellyou.Theycan'tknowwhatitisinthatpawnshop."
Whenthepawnshopopenedthenex
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