SOUTH PARK 112.docx
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SOUTH PARK 112.docx
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SOUTHPARK112
"SOUTHPARK"Episode112
"MechaStriesand"
Writtenby
TreyParker,PhilipStark,andMattStone
ACTI
EXT.ARCHAEOLOGICALDIG-DAY
ThechildrenareallgatheredaroundasmallArchaeological
digsite.AplainlookingAnthropologisttalkstotheboys
andgirls.
ANTHROPOLOGIST
Andso,theseancientarrowheadsare
burieddeepdownintheEarth'scrust!
Wedig'emup,polish'emoffand
findovertwelvenewarrowheadsevery
month!
CARTMAN
Booorrrring.
Thekidsalllaugh.
MR.GARRISON
Eric,keepquiet!
I'mtryingtosleep!
Garrisonislyingonrockwithanewspaperoverhisface.
ANTHROPOLOGIST
Now,cananybodytellmeWHOleft
thesearrowheadshere?
STAN
(Handraised)
Isn'tthatYOURjob?
ANTHROPOLOGIST
Well,yes,butIwanttoseeifyou're
learninganything.
STAN
(Thisisnew)
Oh.
ANTHROPOLOGIST
Okay,Itellyouwhat,whydon'twe
allgrabourlittleanthropologypic
axesthatwerehandedout,andwe'll
digforourveryownIndian
Arrowheads!
!
Thekidsallcheerandstartdigging.
AsCartmanswingshispicaxe,heimmediatelystartstosing.
CARTMAN
(Singing)
Dayisneverfinished
Masagotmeworking
Somedaymasasetmefree...
STAN
Dude,shutup,Cartman!
PIP
OOH!
OOH!
IthinkIfoundone!
!
ButCartmanhasholdoftheotherend.
CARTMAN
No,Ifoundit!
CartmanandPipholdthelargearrowheadbyoppositeends.
PIP
Oh,IdobelieveIfounditfirst.
CARTMAN
No,Idid,Pip!
!
PIP
Oh,dear...
CARTMAN
Well,guesswe'llhavetoRoshambo
forit.
PIP
Whatdoyoumean?
CARTMAN
Well,firstIkickyouinthenuts
ashardasIcan.ThenyoukickME
inthenutsashardasYOUcan.And
wekeepgoingbackandforthuntil
somebodyfalls.Lastonestanding
getsthearrowhead.
PIP
Oh,my.Well,IsupposeifImust...
CARTMAN
Okay,ready?
I'llgofirst.
Cartmantakesastepandhaulsoff,kickingPipsquarein
theballs.Pipimmediatelyturnsblueandfallstotheground
coughing.
Cartmanlookspleased.
AfterPipstopscoughing,hefinallymanagestospeak.
PIP
Well,Iguessyouwin.
CARTMAN
Oh,Idon'tcare,youcanhavethe
stupidarrowhead.Idon'twantit.
CartmantossesthearrowheaddowntoPip,whoisstilllying
painfullyinthedirt.
Thekidsallgobacktodigging.
CARTMAN
Dayisneverfinished
Masagotmeworking...Oh,lookI
foundanotherone!
Cartmancleansoffthedirt,andseesthatheisactually
holdingalarge,stonetrianglewithancientsymbolsand
writingonit.
CARTMAN
Aw,thisisjustastupidtriangle!
Cartmantossesthetriangleoverhisshoulder.Ithitsthe
groundandKylepicksitup.
KYLE
Woa,checkitout,dude.It'sgot
littledrawingsonit.
Kyleholdsupthelarge,stonetrianglerevealingthatit
doeshaveastrangesymbolonit.
STAN
What'sisit?
KYLE
Idon'tknow.
Suddenly,thetriangleletsoutasmallyellowglow.
STAN
Woa!
KYLE
Thatwascool!
CARTMAN
Hey,givemethatback!
KYLE
Youthrewitaway,Cartman!
It's
MINEnow!
CARTMAN
We'llRoshamboforit.
KYLE
Noway,fatty!
It'smine!
!
CARTMAN
Anthropologist!
!
!
!
!
!
TheAnthropologistwalksover.
ANTHROPOLOGIST
How'sitgoing,boys?
CARTMAN
Ifoundamagictriangleandthis
greedysonofabitchtookitfrom
me!
!
KYLE
Youthrewitaway,fatso!
!
ANTHROPOLOGIST
Letmeseethat.
Kylegiveshimthetriangle.
ANTHROPOLOGIST
Why,thisisAnastasiwriting!
My
God,thismustmustbethousandsof
yearsold!
!
CARTMAN
Comeon!
Letmekickyouinthenuts
forit!
!
INT.TELEVISIONSET-NEWSSTUDIO
ANCHOR
Andfinallytonight,ayoungboy
fromSouthPark,Coloradofound
somethingveryinterestingduringa
fieldtriptoday.Herewithaspecial
reportisaquadriplegicSwissman
onapony.
EXT.ARCHAEOLOGICALDIG-DAY
AQuadriplegicSwissmansitsonaponywithanotherperson
holdingamicinfrontofhisface.
QUADRIPLEGICFIREMANONPONY
ThanksTom,thelittleeightyear
oldwasveryshockedindeedwhenhe
cameacrossaveryancienttriangular
object.
CUTTO:
CLOSEUPonKylewithamicinhisface.
KYLE
Well,Iwasjustdiggingaroundand
Iwasalllike'Dude,Ifoundthis
triangle'.Andmyfriendswereall
like,'dude'.AndIwasall'Dude'.
CUTTO:
CLOSEUPonCartmanwiththemiconhim.
CARTMAN
AndItoldhimIsaidKyle,Iwill
kickyouinthenuts.Buthedidn't
giveitbacktome.SoIkickedhim
squareinthenuts...Andhecried
likeNancyKerrigan.
KYLE(O.S.)
YOULIAR,CARTMAN!
!
!
CARTMAN
Screwyou,trianglethief!
!
QUADRIPLEGICFIREMANONPONY
Andsothelittleboywilltakehis
discoveryhome,andperhapsdonate
ittoscience...Alittlelater.
Backtoyou,Dave.
INT.TELEVISIONSET-NEWSSTUDIO
Backinthestudio,theguyisathisdesk,withaliveimage
ofthereporterbehindhim.
ANCHOR
Thanks,Tom.Thosearesomecute,
cutekids.Exceptforthatlastone,
he'salittletubby.
TheimageWHIPStoCartman.
CARTMAN
HEY!
!
EXT.KYLE'SHOUSE-DAY
Establishing.
INT.KYLE'SHOUSE-DAY
TheboyswalkintoKyle'shouse.
STAN
Whatareyougonnadowithit,dude?
KYLE
I'mgonnaputitinmyroom,where
Cartmancan'tfindit!
!
CARTMAN
OhI'llfindit,don'tworry!
!
Kylegoesintohisroomandslamsthedoor.Cartmantries
theknob,butthedoorislocked.
CARTMAN
Goddammit!
Givemytriangle!
Kyle!
Seriously!
STAN
YouDIDthrowitaway,Cartman.
CARTMAN
Iwasjustsettingitaside.
STAN
Well,youmightaswellletitgo.
CARTMAN
Never!
I'llgetthattriangleif
it'sthelastthingIdo!
!
INT.CAFETERIA-DAY
Chefisinthekitchen,stirringupalargebowlofsomething
indistinguishable.
CHEF
(Rap/Singing)
Gimmealittlebitofthatpepper.
Gimmealittlebitofthatsalt.Put
itintheskilletandcookit-
VOICE
Excuseme,sir...
Chefturnsaroundtoseeaplainlookingmanwithabeard.
CHEF
CanIhelp--Hey,you'rethatmovie
criticguyonTV!
LEONARDMALTIN
LeonardMaltin,yes.
CHEF
WellI'llbeateenagegirlbackstage
atanAerosmithconcert!
Leonard
MaltininMYcafeteria!
I'mChef.
LEONARDMALTIN
Iknowwhoyouare.Youmustlisten
tome,Chef.Wehavepreciouslittle
time.HaveyouseenBarbaraStreisand
recently?
CHEF
BarbaraStreisand?
Youmeanlike,
THEBarbaraStreisand?
LEONARDMALTIN
(Snapping)
HAVEYOUSEENHER?
!
?
!
CHEF
No!
NotsinceYentl!
LEONARDMALTIN
ThankGod,thenI'mnottoolate.
CHEF
Toolateforwhat?
LeonardstepsclosertoChef.
LEONARDMALTIN
Chef,itisoftheutmostimportance
thatyoutellmewherethoselittle
boysfromthenewsreportonTVare.
Chefthinks.
CHEF
Whydoyoucare?
EXT.BUSSTOP-DAY
Theboysarebuildingasnowman.
STAN
Ihaveabuttonwecanuseforhis
nose!
KENNY
Mphmmmrphmrphmmmph.
KYLE
Whatwouldyouuseamarblesack
for?
CARTMAN
Becarefulwhereyouputthatcarrot.
Kylemightstealit.
KYLE
Ididn'tSTEALanything.
CARTMAN
Stan,wouldyoutellKylethatI'm
notspeakingwithhim.
KYLE
GOOD!
!
AloudCHOPPINGsoundsurprisestheboys.Theylookaround.
CARTMAN
What'sthatnoise?
Suddenly,asifoutofnowhere,averylarge,blackhelicopter
dropsdownfromthesky.
STAN
Woa!
CARTMAN
AAGH!
!
ALIENS!
!
Thehelicopterlands,andafigurestepsoutfrominside.
Shewalksintothelight,itisBarbaraStreisand.
MS.STREISAND
WhoistheboyIsawontheNews
reporttonight?
TheotherboysallpointatKyle.
MS.STREISAND
Hellothere,littleboy.Doyouknow
whoIam?
KYLE
No.
Babslooksshocked.
MS.STREISAND
OhIbetyoudo-
(Singing)
I'mgoing...Wherethere'slucky
cloversinthesun...
KYLE
(Coveringhisears)
AGH!
Stopthat!
STAN
Yeah,thatsucks,dude.
NowBabslookspissedoff.
MS.STREISAND
I'mBarbaraStreisand!
STAN
So.
MS.STREISAND
So?
!
(Composingherself)
So...I'maVERYfamousandVERY
importantindividual.
STAN
LikeJohnElwayimportant?
MS.STREISAND
WHAT?
!
STAN
DoyouknowJohnElway?
MS.STREISAND
No!
STAN
(Totheboys)
Oh,soyou'rereallyfamousand
importantbutyoudon'tknowJohn
Elway.
Babslooksreadytokill.Butshetakesadeepbreathand
triesanotherapproach.
MS.STREISAND
Look,littleboy,Iunderstandthat
youfoundaneatlittletriangle
nearhere.YouknowwhatI'mtalking
about?
KYLE
(Suspicious)
Yeah...
CARTMAN
No,Ifoundit,HEstoleit!
KYLE
YOUTHREWITAWAY,CARTMAN!
!
!
CARTMAN
(ToStreisand)
I'mnottalkingtohim,becausehe's
adirtythief.
BabsignoresthisandkneelsdownnexttoKyle.
MS.STREISAND
(Excited)
Littleboy,doesthetrianglehavea
symboloftwosnakesjoinedatthe
middle?
KYLE
Yeah,how'dyouknow?
Bab'seyesgethuge.Shetakesinadeepbreath,andlooks
intoKyle'seyes.
MS.STREISAND
Okay,nowthisisVERYimportant...
WhereistheTriangleofZinthar
now?
KYLE
TriangleofZinthar?
STAN
Whydoyouwanttoknow,lady?
MS.STREISAND
I'MNOTTALKINGTOYOU,YOUPISSANT
LITTLEHICK!
!
!
STAN
Woa,dude!
Stanreelsback.BabsgrabsKyle'sarmsandshakeshim.
MS.STREISAND
WHEREISTHETRIANGLE,DAMMIT?
KYLE
AGHAGH!
!
JustthenOfficerBarbradystepsup.
OFFICERBARBRADY
Whatseemstobetheproblemo,here?
Babslet'sgoofKyle,standsupandfixesherhair.
MS.STREISAND
Problemo?
There'snoproblemo,
Officer.Iwasjustintroducingmyself
tothese...CHARMINGlittleboys.
CARTMAN
Nu-uh!
Shewasbeingatotalbitch!
Babsgetspissedagain,butcontains
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